Cold Diff. cont.

[fearless]

And if you thought everything was great and strong and you were being all you could be... (even strong marriages are vulnerable)... there IS a part you played in it. For it takes two people to make a marriage, and two people to break it.

I think he is wondering what you think YOUR part in that was...

What I thought in the beginning and in the years leading up to the affair was that I was an imperfect woman and wife who was striving to constantly improve myself. Our first 5 years were incredible even though they were not perfect and I was not perfect. I felt like I was a better person at 5 years into our marriage. When things went "wrong," I owned up to my mistakes. I am not perfect but sometimes I get the feeling that the only way I could have kept my XH from straying would have been to be perfect and when people like you, Cobra and others take this tact it does bring up that feeling back up. Like I have to some how prove to ya'll that I am not a terrible person who DROVE my XH to seek refuge in another's arms. My counselor (and our MC) and my XH have stressed to me that I was NOT in any way the cause of my XH's affair.

The ONLY thing our counselor thought that I could have done is that 3 years previous when he had a very good woman friend (EA) I could have been willing to show how serious of a problem it was by separating and being willing to walk away from the marriage and he thinks that would have given my XH a clearer signal than all of my talking, crying, yelling, rational discussion, begging, etc. Maybe I am being foolish but I do not regret not leaving him because that was not my choice. My choice was to stay married because I married with the intention that it was for better or worse.

OTOH are you asking if I think I was as good as I could have been or if I never made mistakes, then I would have to say no. The trouble is that I am not as good as I can be now and I still make mistakes either. Will I ever be good enough for someone to marry and stay married to? What is required to be considered "good enough" to not "cause" my partner to have an affair? Do I have to have a perfect body, make lots of money at a job I love, smile all the time, never ask my spouse for ANYTHING, never ever complain about anything and somehow make my family perfect?

Since my XH did not take my feelings into consideration as much as I thought he should have in our marriage, would I have been justified to have an affair? What if he did not make enough money? What if he turned me down for sex?

Are all people in stable, long term marriages with no affairs perfect people and perfect spouses? I have yet to meet people who say their partners have no issues.

Is the theory that if your spouse does not have an affair or leave you, then you are an okay spouse? If they do have an affair or leave you, then you are the problem?

I do not see it as that easy to determine which spouse is the one with the problem but that is my opinion. I know I will always have to deal with the fact that I will be looked at as the one that was not perfect and the one that drove my XH away. I have to live with that. Thankfully I have friends and family to help me through this and counseling to remind me what the truth is.