I don't want to hijack your thread Lost, but since I've been here following I'd like to ask a piece of advice from everyone; Today I lost my job after 14 years, eliminated the position! The first thing I did was call my wife to tell her, I needed to tell her. She asked me why I lost it and the usual questions, then had to let me go, but she called me as soon as I got home. I told her that 2007 has been a really crappy year, since we broke up after 14 years married, I lost my job after 14 years, and I'll lose the (our) house next, also after 14 years. My wife said "Don't say that, the year isn't over yet". What does that mean? Does she mean I'll find another job and everything will be fine? Does she mean that 2007 isn't over yet, it could get better, ie: Us getting back together? As good as 1993 was (new wife / new house / new job), 2007 is the reverse, I try to believe that things are meant to be, but I feel really, really crappy today. Anyway, back to what my W said, she hasn't given me any hint of reconcilliation, we are kind to each other, but don't spend any time together, so is she just trying to sooth my feelings? Anyhow, I thought I couldn't get any lower what with my wife gone and my family broken up, and now I'm out of work too! Any advice or ideas would really be welcomed.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
I, too, lost my job 4 months after my separation (and 2 weeks after finding out my W had started dating a guy from her work). I've also lost all of my family over the last 7 yrs (except for my father, who I never grew up with).
This is what you might call hitting rock bottom.
You and I are basically in the same place (however, I have been lucky enough to be set financially, so I was able to avoid the financial strain of losing my job).
I don't really have any advice to give you (sorry). I can relate to your sitch, though, and I do feel for you a great deal. I think the best thing you can do is grieve this new loss and get back on that horse as soon as you can. Create a new resume, get some good recommendations from some high-up people in your old work place, and go out and get busy finding a new job that keeps you financially on track (and also keeps you busy and therefore keeps you from emotionally dwelling on your sitch and its current state).
Doing the above will show your W that you are strong, and that your are able to take the bull by the horns. Your W and the people around you will see and admire your courage and strength, and value this quality. This experience will make you stronger IF YOU LET IT. Grieve it, but respect it for what it can/will do for you emotionally and spiritually, and get back to business as soon as you can.
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My wife said "Don't say that, the year isn't over yet".
What does that mean? Does she mean I'll find another job and everything will be fine? Does she mean that 2007 isn't over yet, it could get better, ie: Us getting back together?
It's hard to say what that means, and you could drive yourself into the dirt analyzing what it means. One thing is for sure -- don't throw yourself a pity party WITH YOUR W. Don't show her weakness, hopelessness, despair, etc. You and I both know it is unattractive. You don't want her pity, you want her LOVE and RESPECT. You will gain the latter if you show her your ability to demonstrate grace under fire. And hopefully, you will regain her love for you by being constistent with this attitude, as well as your necessary changes that you've made (don't know if you've made changes or what they may be, but I'm speculating that you have made some).
Again, don't dwell on what she means. Also, now you've talked to her about it -- don't go to her anymore. Go to someone else: friends, family, this board, etc. But don't go to her about it anymore. Show her that you don't NEED her shoulder to lean on. If she brings it up to you, show her your strength -- but also show her your strength through you actions, not words.
Hope that helps -- post on your thread anything else that you would like to get feedback on or vent about, and I'll try to check on you there too.
GD Thanks, I know when I spoke to my W today I did feel emotional on the call, but you're right, I won't go to her with my problems, I'll try to get through this. One of the tough things is the financial strain, not that it matters at this point, but I had about 3 years left on my mortgage, and a very manageable one at that. Now my mortgage has doubled and it's now for 30 years, and I don't have a job!
just took a break to answer the phone.....it was my wife just calling me to see how I was doing, she told me everything will end up fine, we talked for about 10 minutes, longer than anytime since she moved out. I wish I had her optimism, perhaps after a nights sleep I will feel better. She thinks I should wait until I pick my son up on Friday to tell him that I've lost my job, so that I can reassure him everything will be fine, I thought the same thing, so thats what I'll do.
How about you GD? Anything positive with you and your W lately? I just starting re-reading DR again, I should be reading "How to find a job" instead. You also told me to not throw myself a "Pity Party", I'll have to remember that, because right at this moment, I have a strong urge to do so, but I won't.
Thanks very much for being an unknown friend, I'll be back to ask more of your sound advice. Good luck to you.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Unfortunately I think the only solution is to be patient, wait it out as long as you can and accept the possibility it might never happen...
As a LBS (mostly, we still live together mainly because she can't afford to leave) I can relate to your H. While I know the years of neglect my wife has dealt with were really hard on her, I think the WAS fail to understand the intense hurt caused by a spouse actually giving up and leaving. It triggers powerful feelings of abandonment and completely destroys any trust that you had in your spouse to live up to their promise ("for better or worse"). That is not an easy thing to get over.
Imagine yourself in his position. Would you be willing to commit yourself to someone who has already demonstrated that when things get tough, they're going to leave? This is what you are working against.
What can you do? Stay present, give up any expectations, be the person he would want to be with. Whatever you do, do not give up and do not give any indication you will give up. He needs to trust that you are sincere, that you are committed to sticking around and working things out. That takes time to build.
I don't know if I'll ever get to that point with my W, but I do hope someday she comes to the same realization you did. It seems unlikely right now, but at least it demonstrates there is hope. However, if we get to that point, I will then have to deal with the same issues your H is dealing with and that is not something I look forward to...
If you want to see where I'm currently at w/ my sitch, check out my post from Monday on my thread under Newcomers (entitled: Dancin' Like Nobody's Watching). That should sum things up pretty well. I don't post on my sitch very often anymore because it is pretty much stagnant, but there are positives to be noted in my recent post.
Regarding the pity party comment, I said don't throw yourself one WITH YOUR W. Absolutely grieve your recent loss, but get back on track and back to business as soon as you can. Don't wallow in sadness and despair any longer than necessary to experience the pain. Once you've grieved enough, get back on that horse on move on.
Do you have a current thread for yourself? If not, get one started, and I will try to post more to you there (that way we can let lost have her thread back! ).
First to GD I was implying that you seem to have come around. You have become OK with yourself. You have walked through it and now can hold your head high. Alot of us just arent there yet.
Littlebitlost
I guess I need to explain myself a little bit more. My thoughts are random and come so fast I have a hard time getting them all in.
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Forrest...you do not have this right. I did not leave my H for anyone. I was not involved with this EA other than as a sounding board for my frustration. He has not been 'something better'. My H has made alot of changes, true, and yes they are very attractive to me. I have alot of respect for him standing up for himself instead of laying down and letting the world walk all over him...even with me.
Is this not the basic premise of a EA. You were telling this other man about why you were "frustrated" instead of telling your husband. I imagine you were explaining it to him alot better than you were your husband. I doubt that your husband ever felt you were walking over him while you were there. It is who he is/was. You rolled over him with a steamroller when you left. This begs the question.. What is your Love Language? If you do not know you can search for 5 love languages on google and there is a 30 sec assesment you can take.
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I dont need 'someone'....I need my husband. I know I have work to do and this is what I am doing now.
Maybe a bad choice of words on your part. Maybe its the truth. I said it was not gonna work for you and you said you "need" your husband. You have to not make him think you "need" him. You are saying it so I gotta think you are showing that to him. Your responce to Cliffy points it out again.
"In the Rain" yes it can mean vunerable. It can also mean carefree. In you husband "taking care" of you. He was showing you the way. Ever heard "Do unto others as you would have them do to you"? What was missing from your marriage? I have an idea but I will hold onto it. I once asked my wife "How many times have we sat each other down and said... This is what I need"? Her answer with alot of other stuff was "I thought you should know me" We have all made mistakes. Hence we are all "Here" together.
I hope I clarified my thoghts. If not just let me know and I will spin them some more. See even the way I describe my thoughts is chaotic.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
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