I can't remember

[Dom R]

Sounds like you are in serious need of some joint couples therapy

Also sounds that he may very well be having an affair (or possibly a pornography issue). Seems like they often start during pregnancy, and are often covered up by "work issues".

But that being said.. i myself have also been in a position, for a few months, where things were so stressful that my sex drive basically turned off.
If that really is the only problem with your husband's drive.. then the additional problem, is that he is perpetuating that stressful situation.

Seems like there's more to it than that, though.

And it seemed to make the disparity wider and more apparent and made me appear needy, a pain in the neck and never satisfied. It made me less and less a person to be trusted in his life because I just wasn't getting that he was tired, stressed and whatever.

Here's the thing: you arent "appearing needy". you ARE needy.. with a valid need that should be met by your husband !!!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting that.
What's wrong, is that he apparently doesnt care about it.
He is the one letting you down.

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I dont think you can ever make him initiate.
I dont think you even have a right to try to change him, in that reguard.
However, as a married woman, i personally believe that you have a right to have your sexual needs met by your husband. [you'd just better be prepared to have them "met" by non-traditional intercourse means]

The "solvable" problem that I see, is not the one that you seem to be tackling.
You seem to be aiming for "he doesnt initiate".
I think that instead, you would be better served aiming for the "he is reluctant to have sexual relations with you, and even actively avoids it" problem.


A buncha questions then come up:

What does he value about marriage?
Whose opinion does he respect, on what a good marriage should be like?
Does he actually love you enough to change his work habits?


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A while back I wrote him a letter telling him why our SL was important to me, that I loved him,that I had aspirations for our R in general and that I was finished "policing" the sex in our R. He said, in essence "OK, great."

Yup. We have established that He Doesnt Want Sex already.

Seems like your letter was a good idea in general, but not so good content.
You basically said that you would stop bugging him, about something that isnt important to him.
So yeah, he just said "ok".

What I think would have been better, was something much more direct, about, "sex is an important part of marriage. you're not meeting my needs in this marriage".
This is a very clear cut issue: he is not meeting is marital responsabilities, TO YOU.

Sometimes, men have a filter on. I've unfortunately been guilty of this myself. but the filter goes something like,
"I hear my wife is concerned. she is unhappy. I dont like it that my wife is unhappy. but there are other, 'bigger' things to worry about right now".

it's not until things reach "crisis point", that we suddenly wake up, and realize "WHOA! I'd better FIX this!"

Unfortunately, some men dont wake up, until an affair, or divorce, looms.
If it's mainly just his filters in the way...
You might be able to save your marriage from the much nastier situation, by getting "in his face", and going nose to nose with him. Sounds like you're generally a very non-confrontational person. But I think you will have to "do a 180", and get really (male style) confrontational. Along the lines of,

"This is critical to me!. I want you to DO something about this, NOW! I want you to show me that our marriage actually MEANS something to you, and it means more than work to you!"

At that point, he will probably start making some excuses about how he "works for you, etc, etc."

Believe it or not.. that is not actually the end of things.
If you are forceful enough, and stick to your guns about your marriage being important than a job... you may actually succeed in convincing him that his priorities are wrong.

If you can do that.. you may be amazed at the sudden changes he is capable of making.


It basically comes down to two paired things:

1. getting him to understand just how important this really is to you

2. whether he cares enough to change his behaviour for you.


You cant really do much about #2. But you still have a ways to go, for #1.

It doesnt seem like you have truely gone to extreme measures, to make your point clear to him.
I think you will have to do so, to get his attention on this issue.
ie: if he still "doesnt get it", after you confront him; stop doing the various things you normally do for him around the house. Then if he still doesnt get it, stop being IN the house for most of the time that he is home.
This is presuming that you feel that he does actually value your company, and presence, and what you do for him in the home.



I hope it doesnt come to that: I hope that you manage to have an eye-opening talk with him, in your planned weekend talk with him.
However, I suspect this is the path you may have to walk.

Either way, I think you will do well by using a more direct, confrontational style of "conversation" with him, than you are used to using with him.