I had gone back to look at your thread where I gave you all sorts of (what I thought was useful) advice only to find out you had already done it all before!! Anyway what I did notice is that you posted in February that you and your H had sex twice on a weekend trip to Ocean City. Just thought I'd remind you:)) Interesting the way the mind can block things out.
It's also where you posted about your H's odd way of "initiating" on vacation - "I'm going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and then I'd like to have sex." it made me laugh at the time but now it does make me kind of wonder why he takes that approach???
Anyway regardless of what is up with him, you continue to impress and amaze me as a person. You are so gracious and open. Your children are very lucky.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I am so glad that you mentioned that. I was trying to remember exactly when that trip was. Somehow I was thinking that it was in the fall. However, I believe that was the only time during the entire pregnancy and there has been no other time since. So, I guess I was a little pre-mature on the year thing but what the h*ll another few months and we'll be there.
Oh -ya know - all the "useful advice" we offer here - we never know what might stick and what might work. Some of it does.
I think H's version of initiating is his whole Alpha male listmaker vibe - Like, "OK, I'm in charge and here's how it will be... I will brush my teeth, we will have sex and then we will go eat our breakfast, do chores followed by watching college football. I don't even mind his weird initiation. I would rather he bite the back of my neck while running a hand down my leg and say "I'm going to brush my teeth then I will be back to bed to sink them into you" but............not his way.
In my heart of hearts I am still feeling that there are specifics to this that I am just missing. I lack real information and therefore have little chance to effect change. I mean there is part of me that feels as if I am just failing to hear the message. It seems that H's message is, "Umm, I like you enough to stay married and I think we are good parents and partners. However, you just don't float my boat sexually so I will boink you a few times a year when I am totally relaxed, you are totally relaxed and the spirit moves me. Otherwise when under daily stress I will wrap myself in a comfortable bubble where I will mb as necessary and sexually ignore you until the spirit moves again. OK?" And I realize that my current behavior is saying that it is ok. Maybe if he actually said it out loud then I could figure out a way to accept it otherwise I am trying to accept his past statements that he loves me, that I am a priority and that he cares about our intimate life and reconcile them with his lack of action.
It is nice to have someone see my good points. I wonder sometimes. Lately, I often feel like a used up old hag before my time.
"Umm, I like you enough to stay married and I think we are good parents and partners. However, you just don't float my boat sexually so I will boink you a few times a year when I am totally relaxed, you are totally relaxed and the spirit moves me. Otherwise when under daily stress I will wrap myself in a comfortable bubble where I will mb as necessary and sexually ignore you until the spirit moves again. OK?"
I truly don't think this is about you. I'd rewrite the above to read:
"Umm, I like you enough to stay married and I think we are good parents and partners. However, I'm not willing to think about what floats my boat sexually for reasons I'm too uncomfortable to delve into, so I will boink you a few times a year when I am not too scared, you are not too demanding, and there seems no way to avoid it. This is the way I want us to live and you'll have to do it (or not do it) my way until something changes in me, which I hope you aren't holding your breath for, but which is not totally out of the question. Meanwhile I will wrap myself in a comfortable bubble where I will mb as necessary, quickly and alone, run my life, go to work, play with the kids, and sexually hide from you except on those not-too-often occasions when I can't put you off."
Sounds like you are in serious need of some joint couples therapy
Also sounds that he may very well be having an affair (or possibly a pornography issue). Seems like they often start during pregnancy, and are often covered up by "work issues".
But that being said.. i myself have also been in a position, for a few months, where things were so stressful that my sex drive basically turned off. If that really is the only problem with your husband's drive.. then the additional problem, is that he is perpetuating that stressful situation.
Seems like there's more to it than that, though.
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And it seemed to make the disparity wider and more apparent and made me appear needy, a pain in the neck and never satisfied. It made me less and less a person to be trusted in his life because I just wasn't getting that he was tired, stressed and whatever.
Here's the thing: you arent "appearing needy". you ARE needy.. with a valid need that should be met by your husband !!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting that. What's wrong, is that he apparently doesnt care about it. He is the one letting you down.
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I dont think you can ever make him initiate. I dont think you even have a right to try to change him, in that reguard. However, as a married woman, i personally believe that you have a right to have your sexual needs met by your husband. [you'd just better be prepared to have them "met" by non-traditional intercourse means]
The "solvable" problem that I see, is not the one that you seem to be tackling. You seem to be aiming for "he doesnt initiate". I think that instead, you would be better served aiming for the "he is reluctant to have sexual relations with you, and even actively avoids it" problem.
A buncha questions then come up:
What does he value about marriage? Whose opinion does he respect, on what a good marriage should be like? Does he actually love you enough to change his work habits?
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A while back I wrote him a letter telling him why our SL was important to me, that I loved him,that I had aspirations for our R in general and that I was finished "policing" the sex in our R. He said, in essence "OK, great."
Yup. We have established that He Doesnt Want Sex already.
Seems like your letter was a good idea in general, but not so good content. You basically said that you would stop bugging him, about something that isnt important to him. So yeah, he just said "ok".
What I think would have been better, was something much more direct, about, "sex is an important part of marriage. you're not meeting my needs in this marriage". This is a very clear cut issue: he is not meeting is marital responsabilities, TO YOU.
Sometimes, men have a filter on. I've unfortunately been guilty of this myself. but the filter goes something like, "I hear my wife is concerned. she is unhappy. I dont like it that my wife is unhappy. but there are other, 'bigger' things to worry about right now".
it's not until things reach "crisis point", that we suddenly wake up, and realize "WHOA! I'd better FIX this!"
Unfortunately, some men dont wake up, until an affair, or divorce, looms. If it's mainly just his filters in the way... You might be able to save your marriage from the much nastier situation, by getting "in his face", and going nose to nose with him. Sounds like you're generally a very non-confrontational person. But I think you will have to "do a 180", and get really (male style) confrontational. Along the lines of,
"This is critical to me!. I want you to DO something about this, NOW! I want you to show me that our marriage actually MEANS something to you, and it means more than work to you!"
At that point, he will probably start making some excuses about how he "works for you, etc, etc."
Believe it or not.. that is not actually the end of things. If you are forceful enough, and stick to your guns about your marriage being important than a job... you may actually succeed in convincing him that his priorities are wrong.
If you can do that.. you may be amazed at the sudden changes he is capable of making.
It basically comes down to two paired things:
1. getting him to understand just how important this really is to you
2. whether he cares enough to change his behaviour for you.
You cant really do much about #2. But you still have a ways to go, for #1.
It doesnt seem like you have truely gone to extreme measures, to make your point clear to him. I think you will have to do so, to get his attention on this issue. ie: if he still "doesnt get it", after you confront him; stop doing the various things you normally do for him around the house. Then if he still doesnt get it, stop being IN the house for most of the time that he is home. This is presuming that you feel that he does actually value your company, and presence, and what you do for him in the home.
I hope it doesnt come to that: I hope that you manage to have an eye-opening talk with him, in your planned weekend talk with him. However, I suspect this is the path you may have to walk.
Either way, I think you will do well by using a more direct, confrontational style of "conversation" with him, than you are used to using with him.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Karen, you are so gracious, but you know, everyone has a breaking point, even you. I don't want you to get to that desperate place. Personally, I think YOU are the one who is vulnerable to an affair, but I know you are too self aware to compromise yourself and you are very respectful and caring of your H as well.
I know you have been down confrontation road, but you have to keep going back there ( confronting) until you get some sort of change or until you reach a place of acceptance with the situation as is.
Personally, I don't think your H is having an affair. You may be stirred up by my situation, but you have to remember that I was very LD for years in my marriage. My H didn't confront, but stewed in resntment and martyrdom all the while. I don't see your H this way. I think he has issues with intimacy and is trying to control his world in a way that makes him feel safe, but which disregards your needs. He needs a wake-up call.
Karen1 I would rather he bite the back of my neck while running a hand down my leg and say "I'm going to brush my teeth then I will be back to bed to sink them into you" Wish I could do that and get away with it with BB. We must think/have wishes that are similar.
It is nice to have someone see my good points. I wonder sometimes. Lately, I often feel like a used up old hag before my time. Karen1, GEE, I don’t see you as used up but I can understand why you see yourself that way.
I am with Fearless you continue to impress and amaze me as a person. You are so gracious and open. Your children are very lucky. Add in your H is lucky too.
Lil’s version I will MB as necessary, quickly and alone, That is probably how it happens.
Haphazard Karen is being way too polite about this; she needs to start screaming and throwing dishes. I was thinking Karen1 should tell her H, if that is what he wants to do (MB), he needs to MB her first.
Dear Mr. K. Most people have some type of sex drive and an outlet for that drive. We haven’t had sex in almost a year. I assume you have found a way to satisfy your needs. I still have not found a suitable outlet for my sex drive. If you don’t have sex with me and you MB, from now on, you need to come to me and do me first or we can do each other.
Dom/anyone, in case you didn’t know, Mr. K’s position during sex was always on the bottom and he was relative passive when they did have sex.
Karen1/LFL and other women have said they prefer a man to be more aggressive and for a man to be the more active partner when having sex.
I only wish I could be more active without hearing a complaint.
karen, another thing re why I'm sure this isn't about you... because you seem to be thinking that if he were with someone else, he would be boinking her all the time?
Isn't this the guy who didn't marry til he was 40 and had been with only one woman before you? Don't you think that says something about his lifelong level of drive?
