Thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm sorry the thought of OW is still haunting you. I know how that can be. It stinks. It wasn't until I ended up living through more icky affairs, including my own, that I was able to really "get it". I really had a hard time accepting and letting go of the past before. It took a LOT of heartbreak and work. In my sitch, much of that was because my H still wasn't giving me what I needed. Our MC at the time was telling me that was more than likely the case, but I didn't have the guts to really stand up for MY needs at the time. You go girl... speak up, say what you want, own it, your H wants you to be happy with him as much as you want him to be happy with you.
You know, the EMDR therapy is actually an interesting idea CL. I think it'd be worth asking a professional about. Years ago I worked for a psychologist who used that therapy very successfully with some PTSD patients. Very cool technique. You and your M are so worth it.
That was really sweet of your H to write you that email. He really cares. Seems he wants to help and is trying to fix this. The fact he "hates himself" for that "contemplation"... that is what you have been wanting to hear, no?... that he DID in fact do wrong by you and your M. I think you have the right idea... hold onto where he is NOW. Try to keep your focus on the now and the future, while you work on accepting the past. Love the past, because that is what brought you HERE.
You have your own feelings and needs that are yours and yours alone. You will only shine brighter if you give yourself the energy and focus you deserve. What do you want? What does care need?
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Thanks F21. The thoughts of OW are thankfully becoming less intrusive. I am not sure if they will resurface as hockey season starts and I will see her on a regular basis again. Either way, I believe that in time, the 'hauntings' will diminish.
Just venting.... When I was a kid I would count down the days to my birthday, making sure everyone knew when it was (and usually what I wanted for a present). So I don't do that anymore but I still make a big deal out of birthdays, even for my H and my kids. It is their day. They get to pick the menu for the day, I bake a cake, singing, presents, parties the whole bit. Two years ago I made my own cake and was upset that H stayed at work until late and H didn't bother with a present. Last year, I was so distraught, I asked H not to say anything to the kids as I was in no mood to celebrate as the bomb had just gone off. So I went to the spa, saw a movie by myself, and then went to my brother/SIL for dinner. A very nice day even though I was crushed then because H wanted out.
Fast forward to yesterday, I turned 41. I leave for work before anyone else is awake. H doesn't call all day. The boys had a football scrimmage so I leave work and get them to that. While H does extend a birthday wish and gave me some workout stuff (unwrapped,left on counter), the boys never knew it was my birthday. D6 made me a card and after the kids were in bed, I asked H how D6 knew it was my birthday. He said that he had told the kids.
So part of me is wondering why tell them if you didn't do anything to celebrate. H asked why I hadn't gotten a cake. Ugh. I just said politely that I will not make a cake again for my own birthday and left it at that. H then said that he'd buy a cake over the weekend if I was mad about not having one. I didn't say anything. It isn't the cake I care about. It just would have been nice to have been celebrated for a day. I had thought that with all of the positive things happening that H would have done something. Damn expectations.
and I know, I could have told my kids and had a celebration with them. I don't know if it was some sort of test for H to see what he'd do.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
That sucks, I know, but one thing a friend of mine reminds me of often is that HE IS A GUY. They don't think about things like that the way we do, regardless of our sitch.
I totally understand how you feel, however, unfortunately they just don't get it sometimes. Hang in there, sweetie
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Oh sweets... this just pulls my heartstrings. Birthdays are so important to me and I think my H was just starting to get that. My motto honestly is "everyone needs a cake on their birthday" and I would bring cakes to his class for students whose families wouldn't send treats on their bday. Enough about me, I digress. I guess this just hits me b/c it is so wrong. You need better than that. I know, I know. Expectations are a bitch. But birthdays are SPECIAL to me. So I am sorry that it went that way. Hugs to you. I know you're ok. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry.
Awww Care I'm sorry your birthday didn't go better. Mine is coming up in September and I already feel myself setting up expectations - will have to work on NOT doing that.
Happy belated birthday!!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I'm sorry your special day went like that. I wish it would've been better for you, and I think I know what you were feeling about wanting to be celebrated without having to be the initiator. It sounds like your H is not the type to do stuff like that, and yes, some guys are like that.... BUT they can learn, although it is partly our job to teach them how we want/need to be treated. I know that isn't as attractive as not having to ask for what we want.
I want to say that I think it would be good to teach the kids how YOU should be treated as well. I doubt your H realizes what might be happening. If he did, hopefully he would want to be more proactive. I look at my H's parents and see that as well-intentioned as they were they didn't teach their boys to treat their Mom with the level of love and respect they could have, and I've no doubt it has a lot to do with how ill-equipped my H has been as a spouse. I think much of it goes back to how poor we can be at putting ourselves first sometimes. Though I'm not a parent yet, I believe it teaches kids healthy self-esteem and boundaries when we do.
More hugs, care. I vote for letting your H celebrate your birthday with the kids this weekend. Have a great Friday, and happy belated birthday again.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Yes, Julie. I too feel like every birthday should be celebrated with a cake and some fanfare.
F21, you do have a point about teaching the kids how they should treat their mom.
On some level it does bother me that he didn't even try and perhaps he isn't even thinking it was a big deal since last year I told him not to say anything to the kids and that I did not want to celebrate. Maybe he thought that was the going forward plan.
And Nikki, perhaps the key is not about having expectations about your birthday but communicating with H up front about what the plans are. Part of me thinks that I set H up to fail because I sort of knew he'd do nothing, yet I at least wanted a celebration with my family.
And Cadesmom, maybe you're right. H isn't that kind of guy, but that doesn't mean that I can't say what I want.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
Wow. Didn't realize that it has been so long since I last posted. School, football/cheerleading and hockey have started and the schedule is crazy/busy, as in out of control, so free time is a distant memory or a goal once football ends.
The first week of September H and I went on a cruise to Alaska. We left the kids with a sitter and we were gone for 8 days. It was wonderful. H had to go for a convention and I tagged along. H had to work during the day on most days but we did many things together and had a good time and really reconnected. But reality comes back very quickly once we get home to our jobs,3 kids and trying to get the kids to all of the afterschool activities. I realize that this is how I had put H on the backburner and how our M/R got pushed aside. I try to talk to him about this and he says he understands but I can sense some build up of anger/resentment (?) when after being up since 5:30AM and it is 10-10:30PM and I want to go to bed, H is asking me to just sit with him for a bit. It all came to a bit of a head yesterday. H had an interview at the house and he made some comment about all of the papers that were piling up on the counter. It was all of the kids school stuff that had to be sifted through. I simply asked why is it my job to always do that? H got huffy and swept the stuff aside. When I tried to talk to him about it, he shut me down. This I think is part of our problem. We both tend to avoid conflict. H shuts me down and I don't attempt to bring it back up again because the conversations don't go anywhere. Some of it has to do with the way that I spew things at H. I have realized this and have tried to put a filter on when we talk so I don't overload H with details/info. This however, will take more time for me as it isn't easy.
Last night the boys had football and D cheerleading. S10 then has hockey practice after football. H is at hockey practice already for S9's team as he is the coach. After football, I drop s10 off at the rink and go home. H comes home an hour later and asks why S10 didn't make it to practice. I had dropped him off at the wrong rink and he was still there by himself!! Of course this was not good, I felt awful. I chalked it up to miscommunication as I had questioned where it was earlier but H didn't respond and I just assumed. Once again, H won't enter into a conversation about it with me. He shuts me down.
I don't know where this rant is going, just needed to get it off my chest. I have IC tonight so that should help. At least H knows that the schedule is insane right now and there is light at the end of the tunnel as football/cheerleading ends in 4 weeks then the kids only have hockey (including D6). So even though that will still be hectic to try and get three kids to practices/games, it will be more manageable.
And yes, somewhere in the midst of all of this, I still am working out everyday, I rejoined my yoga class for the fall. The biggest thing is making my M/R a priority and not falling into the same trap that got me here in the first place.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
