Yes, I know exactly why I'm sitting where I'm at. I have no illusions of that. I don't want to move on; yet actually putting effort into repairing our relationship scares the living hell out of me. It's a lot like tricking myself into not acting crazy...because, technically, I have nothing to lose.
The biggest problem I've run into the last few months, is occasionally getting really angry with him. I either start thinking about old stuff (really horrible things he did) or I go snooping (I know) to justify my anger.
It finally occurred to me that I'm doing this when I feel closer to him. You know, the old pick a fight to prevent further emotional closeness so I won't get hurt again nonsense. So, lately, I've been trying to curb that urge to throw a big tantrum and cause a fight.
I figure if I work on my own contributions to the demise of our R, at least it's not wasted effort, no matter what the outcome.
I have no illusions of that. I don't want to move on; yet actually putting effort into repairing our relationship scares the living hell out of me. It's a lot like tricking myself into not acting crazy...because, technically, I have nothing to lose.
