I see your point and I have considered that. And my H (like many LDWs) has gotten angry at me for trying to push my need for sex. By push I mean mentioning it, saying how about Thursday?, sending cute notes etc... And he "wasn't receptive" - he would come to bed emitting a heavy sigh and saying how tired he was. And it seemed to make the disparity wider and more apparent and made me appear needy, a pain in the neck and never satisfied. It made me less and less a person to be trusted in his life because I just wasn't getting that he was tired, stressed and whatever.
I agree that in a balanced relationship both persons should be able to intiate. And that certainly if you are trying to punish someone then refusing to give them something they already aren't giving isn't punishment. I am not trying to punish H. In a way by backing off completely I am giving what he has at times indicated would improve our SL - that if I was "patient" and "let well enough alone" and "let him recuperate" that it would get better on its own. This was his reasoning as to why scheduled sex wouldn't be a good idea - not spontaneous etc... It doesn't. It hasn't.
For guys who have an LDW the absolute worst idea is totally backing off. Many are suprised when said LDW is actually having an affair because he "didn't care enough to chase me." FWIW - I won't be suprised if my H is having an affair or has some other horrendous issue that he is hiding. I don't think this because I have proof, gut feeling or anything else. It is simply that I don't believe that anyone can allow sex to go by the wayside that long without a very specific reason. I have a specific reason and I told him about it before I did it.
A while back I wrote him a letter telling him why our SL was important to me, that I loved him,that I had aspirations for our R in general and that I was finished "policing" the sex in our R. He said, in essence "OK, great." Then I went through a mourning period while he did little, I initiated sex occasionally but overall didn't bring it up as an issue or anything but inside I felt angry. It hit a fever pitch during my pregnancy and then I just...........let go. I decided that I couldn't fairly accuse him of doing nothing when I was such a seething pit of despair inside. For most of the last year I have truly let things happen or not happen. If he kisses me, I kiss him. If he takes my hand. I take his. If he rubs my rear end in bed I sigh and wiggle closer. If he does nothing. I do nothing. I quit having expectations, hopes and aspirations and decided to just let things be. Well, this is where we are and even he will have a hard time denying the data (I hope).
