How many details of OP did you get, want, need?

[runningoutoftime]

Cat,

You have gained so much wisdom. I know it's painful, but gosh working through challenges like this can a person so amazing and you seem like one who has done that. Sure, you break apart, but then you wrap the bandage over and seem to heal stronger and better than before.

I'll take a look for that movie. It sounds fascinating.

Yes, I know I shouldn't focus on the sex stuff. It's just too shallow. Although, honestly, and here I'm going to lay it on the table... okay... gosh here I feel so embarassed... what is a normal amount of time for a woman to orgasm? Very recently I have developed this weird "obsession" where I think maybe I take too long to orgasm and sex couldn't be "great" with me.. and OW was better because she didn't take so long. I understand timing could be the Celexa (AD) even though I take a very low dose. Gosh, I feel so embarassed to write about this! Me who generally talks so easily about sex!!!

[saffie]

Root,

What matters and what we need or want to know differs for each of us. The sex thing mattered to me. My H says exactly the same to me - that we have the best sex together and that OW just didn't compare. I did go into details on the board once - don't know whether you saw that? If you did then enough said. If you want to know more or email privately about this then send me an email. Quantity mattered to me to. 5 times H said and I believe him - we went through diaries.

If your H was drunk I bet the sex was awful. Jeeze alcohol is well known for it's effects that way!!!

Does your H complain about how long it takes? Mine seems to enjoy the time. I guess it depends on how long they want to go on for. I don't always O if I know he wants to obviously come sonner than me.

Email me if you want.

Thanks for the anniversary congrats. Hope fully we'll still be in touch at my 23 and your 25 anniversaries!!!

Saffie

[cat03]

You are right ROT, it's an obsession which has no grounds, you are still trying to compare yourself to OW in everyway. I also had an odd obsession like that one about how my v compared to hers (shaved,etc) I even asked my H, which really drove him crazy, I did go too far. It drove me nuts too, so I can sort of understand your obsession.
What really matters over all is: are you both satisfied? I hope you are not ruining that special time by fretting "omg, I'm taking too long!" and thus, stressing, and, prob making it harder on you to O.
If you guys are having a great time while you are trying to O, then that's quality sex. I hear that the average is 10 min, but go figure when do they start keeping track of time, foreplay? active sex?

I pretty much dont' take that much time, though there has been the odd time when I just didn't O at all (seldom) if we had some good foreplay it takes no time at all. So, go, play , have him caress you there before he starts onto the serious stuff.

Jeez, I hope I"m not blushing LoL, i'm at work!

[saffie]

I can understand why cat says it's not good maybe to know all the details; it hurts - but sometimes you maybe have to work thro' the pain if that is what is necessary for you.

How you are about Disney I am about my youngest D's birthday. It was on ehr birthday in June 06 that H was last intimate with OW. B'days are a big deal and this was the first time my H had been away fro any of our children's b'days - and then to know that he was with OW INSTEAD!!!!! This year my D was excired, as kids are, for a good month in the run up to her B Everytime she metioned what she wanted or what type of party she wanted I nearly threw up. NOT HER FAULT but it still hurt. Even so I would still rather know and my H rtied really hard to turn it back into a special day - for me aswell as my D.

For me it helps to know these things. I have to walk through the pain and gradually beat it.

Saffie

[runningoutoftime]

I think I have to know things... otherwise I just wonder and wonder. Thank you ladies for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences with me. Saffie, your husband has a diary or journal? Cat, I understand your V obsession. I also wonder if OW had fake boobs. I once asked my husband what those "felt like" since OW had them (total assumption on my part!). He just wouldn't answer me. He's used to me. But I do just wish he could be open about everything so I wouldn't just naturally come up with these tricky ways to try and pry out information. I don't even think about it! It just comes out of my mouth!!! I think if the information were laid out, I wouldn't do this. I'd just know and the information would rest there.

Now with the sex... he never has ever complained about time, but I seem to have grasped onto this idea that I take a long time. I think one reason is our timing is so different. My husband is quick and I take much longer. We are just so opposite in all ways.... without foreplay we'd never be a match, but I think I probably take too long with that too. I probably need to read more books on this. Early in piecing I told my husband I was going to grill other men about this topic to figure out what was "normal" in women, abnormal, what actually is "good" or "great"? How does one even compare about something like this? How can something so simple seem so difficult to understand?

Saffie, I know in time these triggers fade away and sort of disappear. At least the pain does. I remember with my husband's first A (over 10 years ago), there's a park where he ate lunch and "made out" with OW (how tacky!!!!). Anyhow, I remember long ago feeling enraged every time I thought about that or we drove by it on the freeway. Now if I drive by I do still think of it, but it has aboslutely no feelings or pain attached to it. The whole thing seems so extremely remote. So these things really can fade.

[saffie]

I am relieved to hear that some of these feelings fade. Actually my OW obsession is going with time - slooooowwwwwllllyyyy.

You know about the sex thing. Your H might be thinking that he is too quick!!!!! He may have a worry/complex about that....I think we all worry about compatibility to some extent and when they have cheated we wonder if that is why. We are all different and that's what makes us who we are!!

Saffie

[cat03]

foreplay... I think I probably take too long with that too.
========================
well, it's happened to me too that if we take too long there sometimes I get desencitized and can't O, so dont' goo too long there.
I dont' think there is anything normal as far as how long ML sessions are, everyone is different, and prob what I'd like in bed someone else woudlnt' care for much.

I remember grilling H about this last yr, and he'd say it was just sex, different but thing out of the ordinary, that that's all it was for him.

You have some valid questions, but some questions are just splitting hairs and keeping you miserable and your H wondering when things will ever be normal again.

[runningoutoftime]

Unfortunately it does take time to fade.... but on the good side eventually it does fade and it's really gone. With the affair 10+ years ago. My husband could tell me any detail about it and I have no feelings of upset, anger, nothing. So much life has happened since then that it seems a lifetime ago.

Cat, you are right about some of the questions being splitting hairs. I probably should make up a list and then think out what really might be helpful and what's nonsense.

[cat03]

remember what our dear toughlover used to say "is this the hill you want to die on" ?

[runningoutoftime]

Oh that's right.... great thought to hold onto for sooo many situations. Whatever happened to TL?

Honestly I've been doing really well. My H is out of town this week, and I have had no work lined up, so I'm mostly taking care of a recuperating puppy (and the kids). She was spayed on Monday, and now has to wear a funny looking cone collar on her head.

But my H has been great he has called every night. In the past he never used to do this. He even calls once a day, or every other day from work when he is in town, so I have to give him enormous credit for that. It really is a big change because this is a guy who in 20 years of marriage almost NEVER called from work!!! Maybe once a year he'd call!!!! And when he went out of town for a week he *might* call once.

So I definitely don't want to do anything harmful to my marriage. I just want to work out some of the negatives I've held on to.

By the way, Saffie's comment about the "too quick" thing. I don't have a lot to compare to but if I remember the few intimate relationships I had prior to meeting my husband (long long long ago!) I have to say... there's probably something to that. But I don't think my husband knows it, and I would never say anything. I don't think it's important. There's much more than that.... I guess we all do have some thoughts and ideas that are better left unsaid....