If you speak to both spouses, you can firm up the issues at play plus also learn what one or the other's childhood was like, as far as emotional attachments, trauma or the like is concerned. <...> With my experience, our counselor stuck her neck out regarding my FOO with my mother. Part of her insight was based on what I said, on what my wife said, but a lot on how our marriage worked, what she saw in me, and ruling out other explanations. <...> I thought my life was normal. All children think this too. Those thoughts carry forward into adulthood and become the tinted lenses that we use to see others. So while I thought my mom was great, my counselor saw otherwise. Do you see what I mean?
What you aren't glomming onto is that many people, from their teens or early adult years *have* recognized many of their family's faults and strengths. They *do* recognize and acknowledge their parent's parenting failures. And they have made and continue to make changes in their own behaviors in an effort to not continue poor or unhealthy attitudes and choices.
Many of the participants here have been *self* examining for years. They are able to look back at their childhood and see how they were affected and impacted by their parents, for good and ill, AND THEN THEY WORKED AT NOT REPEATING THE SAME MISTAKES.
Off the top of my head, I recall Lil, Mojo, Fearless, Honeypot, NOP and I all posting about our parents and some of their parental shortcomings. I don't recall any of those posts seething with anger, nor did any of them excuse poor choices they were currently making because their childhood sucked. They used their awareness to make changes in themselves and to look out for their own unhealthy tendencies.
When people are posting about their situations or something that just occurred in their relationship - almost across the board *they examine their own contribution to the dynamic*. They continue to *self* examine. I don't see that in your posts. You are either examining your wife or the person you are posting to, but I can only recall one post in which you gave your own personal inventory. Your focus seldom seems to be on yourself.
I can look back on my parents, see where they didn't do a great job, see where they did do well, see what I can do not to repeat the bad. I can look back on them with some grace and understanding. I can talk about the fun times, their good attributes, their strengths and I can even laugh at their over-the-top behaviors. And if I do so, it isn't some deceptive or self-deceived attempt to present them as the "perfect" family.
I have read what Fearless has posted about her family and herself. It sounds like she has done what several of us have done - and that was to build on the good, learn from the bad. She didn't try to present them as perfect, she didn't try to present herself as perfect - I don't know why you continue to hear it in that way. You did the same with us by accusing us of presenting our marital recovery as "the way" or "the only way" - when in fact we had done nothing of the kind.
IMO, you haven't built on the good and learned from the bad in your foo. And because you haven't done so, you think none of the rest of us have.
