Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

Good morning, Ladies.

H called this morning at 8:00 AM. I used to be an early riser, but lately I've been sleeping in (probably b/c it takes so long to fall asleep). Anyway, I was still in bed and I answered the phone (the first time in a long time). Anyway, I almost blew my cover because he called the office line and I only answered "Good morning" instead of the usual script. He questioned me on it. Told him I was expecting someone else

Anyway, we talked for 45 minutes. I am so proud of myself. I did not talk about R at all!! I didn't question him on where he was except, when discussing seeing the kids I asked if he was still on vacation. I didn't question him about the elementary school or anything like that (big step for me) I tried to let him go a few times, but he started talking again.

Something is in the air because he started crying about how much he misses the kids. I wanted to say "well then do something about it." Instead, I tried to "validate" his feelings with an "I understand. This must be hard for you. I'm sorry you are struggling." Then he really started crying. I just gave him space to finish. He said he missed waking up next to them and reading to S2. I offered a night here while I go. He said it isn't just that. It's a lot of things. He just misses them so much.

He said he's planning to come see them Friday morning. I told him I would like to set up a regular schedule to build some consistency so everyone knows what to expect. He enthusiastically agreed, but we didn't actually set anything up. We were also talking about phone calls and I mentioned that S2 often wants to call. Sometimes we do, but he gets really upset when H doesn't answer, so we don't very often. He said, more than once that S2 can call ANY time. I told him to expect lots of phone calls then.

He also thanked me for the pictures, offered me his digital camera and said he would bring over the web cam for the computer. (He wants more pics). He asked how the grass we planted this year was doing. I reminded him we only did half the yard so half was muddy. I said I was hoping to plant more in the spring. He offered to help, at least financially b/c it was for the kids. He started choking up again and said he wants them to remember childhood as being happy. I told him I was trying to keep things happy here. He said thank you. I mentioned the apple picking. He was really excited. I got the feeling he wanted to go, but he said I should find someone to take to help with the kids. He said he was sure I was taking S9 (of course) so he couldn't go (I made an agreement with S9's dad when things got physically abusive towards me that I would keep a no contact policy with S9 and H for now). He also said he felt bad that S9 was caught up in the middle of all this (that was a shocker!)

I finally excused myself because there was someone at the door and let him know I would have the kids call when they got up.

We called about an hour later so S2 could say hi. He didn't answer and I had a feeling he wasn't going to call right back b/c I realized it was break time at school and he might be spending time w/OW. However, he called a few minutes later.

After he talked to S2 he let me know that S2 could call him again if he wanted, any time.

This was huge progress, however I'm not going to get overly excited about it. I'm going to continue to lay low. I won't initiate contact, but will be open if he wants to talk, but not too open. I will let S2 call him a little more often, but I'll try to stay off the phone as much as possible. I'm glad he wants to connect with his kids. Hopefully he continues to want to.

If things continue on this level and he starts to visit a little more, I'll try requesting a night off. Right now I'm going to let him lead until he feels a little more comfortable.

MK,
I'm keeping a journal of what I'm doing and the reactions I get. This way I can see things more clearly. Yes, I think that would be good. Especially now that he's saying how much he misses certain things.

lwb,
Good idea on the putting them to bed thing. I was trying to figure out a way to approach it w/out saying "I don't trust you to take the kids anywhere."