Fran, re the birthday: regardless of what he says, I would not let the day go by without acknowledgment of some kind
Thanks Lil - that's what I thought. I'd pretty much decided to go with Corri's idea and let the kids do their thing in the morning, then do something else just between the two of us. His folks might come down and surprise him. His mum's chocolate cake is the best so I guess he'll appreciate that.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
The trouble is, "gentle" on someone's mind is very passive-- it's not the state of a man who wants to jump your bones... the bolded parts indicate a man who is more comfortable with simply knowing you are there without having to deal with the reality of you.
Exactly. H has actually stated that his preference is to be alone in the house with people in it. He doesn't seem to understand how selfish this is. How much taking and not giving is involved in sharing a life with someone that you just want "around the house" without interacting with them. But I guess if he lived with someone that was just like him that would be fine.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
OMG Fran ... it's like they were separated at birth in some ways ... quote: "It's enough for me just to be in the same room with you .... I feel no difference in intimacy between touching you and just being with you." And he really meant it ....
Things have changed for the moment ... I'll try to chime back in later. But I feel ya ..... (((((((( Fran )))))))))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
If you want to keep the birthday a small kid/family celebration....ok, I wouldn't just ignore it. However, if he is really having a hard time turning 40 and he is telling you with no joking aside that he doesn't want a "party".....then I would heed the warning b/c I think that is just what it is.....a warning.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm thinking that if he really behaves like an a$$ and reacts ungraciously to any little celebration you put together, don't take the bait and get mad-- just say you didn't do it for him, you did it for YOU... you wanted to celebrate his birthday because it felt good to you to do it. Don't argue with him or defend yourself. Don't jump in to the mud pit. Gosh, I hope he's grownup enough to react nicely...
I do think that it is important to honor the spirit of the "no party" kind of thought but also still celebrate the day. Your plan sounds about right. If I had my druthers I would celebrate my 40th (coming in November) in one of 2 way. Preference #1 (not gonna happen) with a relationship renaissance where my H professes undying love and devotion, explains whatever the h*ll has been going on and follow up by plastering me to the sheets a gazillion times. OK, failing that I would love a day to myself to contemplate my navel, where I've been and where I am going with no calls, no expectations, no making nice with family/friends. If my best friend lived here I could do all of that with her but she is out of state.
Karen, Maybe then you should go visit your best friend or get her to your house for your B-day. Even better if H did it (got you and your BF together, or even better pressed the sheets with you) for you as a surprise. What better way to celebrate your B-day than with your best friend.
That would be really nice. Busy lives, kids, school etc... but it might be able to be done. She is terrific and has always been someone that I could tell the truth to and who would tell the truth to me.
Some more thoughts about your sex disparity situation, Karen:
It is claimed by some, that typically, women are 'sexually receptive', whereas men are more 'sexually active', or something like that.
What is your response to HD men, who complain, "My wife never initiates sex... I'm always the one who starts. Once I do, she seems to 'get into it', but I'm so tired of always being the one to start things off. It's like she has no desire for me. She says 'we dont have a problem' since she usually participates whenever I start things"
What if such a guy said, "I'm going to teach my wife a lesson by not initiating for a year. Even if it means we don't have sex for a year".
Do you think that, if his wife is naturally one of those "low drive, 'sexually receptive' rather than active" women... that his doing that, will change anything? Is it going to make his wife suddenly sexually driven?
I understand that your situation has additional factors in it, because your husband is deliberately putting his work, ahead of your marriage, in his priorities. (being "always tired" is a priority choice. He is tired, based on his choice of where to put his time and energies into. it is not out of his control)
Yet, I still think that the above might be something for you to consider. What if your husband has, for whatever reason, transitioned into a 'sexually receptive' only person?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I see your point and I have considered that. And my H (like many LDWs) has gotten angry at me for trying to push my need for sex. By push I mean mentioning it, saying how about Thursday?, sending cute notes etc... And he "wasn't receptive" - he would come to bed emitting a heavy sigh and saying how tired he was. And it seemed to make the disparity wider and more apparent and made me appear needy, a pain in the neck and never satisfied. It made me less and less a person to be trusted in his life because I just wasn't getting that he was tired, stressed and whatever.
I agree that in a balanced relationship both persons should be able to intiate. And that certainly if you are trying to punish someone then refusing to give them something they already aren't giving isn't punishment. I am not trying to punish H. In a way by backing off completely I am giving what he has at times indicated would improve our SL - that if I was "patient" and "let well enough alone" and "let him recuperate" that it would get better on its own. This was his reasoning as to why scheduled sex wouldn't be a good idea - not spontaneous etc... It doesn't. It hasn't.
For guys who have an LDW the absolute worst idea is totally backing off. Many are suprised when said LDW is actually having an affair because he "didn't care enough to chase me." FWIW - I won't be suprised if my H is having an affair or has some other horrendous issue that he is hiding. I don't think this because I have proof, gut feeling or anything else. It is simply that I don't believe that anyone can allow sex to go by the wayside that long without a very specific reason. I have a specific reason and I told him about it before I did it.
A while back I wrote him a letter telling him why our SL was important to me, that I loved him,that I had aspirations for our R in general and that I was finished "policing" the sex in our R. He said, in essence "OK, great." Then I went through a mourning period while he did little, I initiated sex occasionally but overall didn't bring it up as an issue or anything but inside I felt angry. It hit a fever pitch during my pregnancy and then I just...........let go. I decided that I couldn't fairly accuse him of doing nothing when I was such a seething pit of despair inside. For most of the last year I have truly let things happen or not happen. If he kisses me, I kiss him. If he takes my hand. I take his. If he rubs my rear end in bed I sigh and wiggle closer. If he does nothing. I do nothing. I quit having expectations, hopes and aspirations and decided to just let things be. Well, this is where we are and even he will have a hard time denying the data (I hope).
