What is reasonable and what is not?

[JAK58]

[/quote]This divorce with exh after only one year has been so painful and agonizing. Go figure.
[quote]

Thats because there is unfinished business in the R.

IMHO it is hard to blame OW for what is going on because you and H are not married. She is not going after a married man and you don't know3 what line of crap he may be giving her either.(or do you)?

It sounds like you are dealing with someone who does not want to grow up.

GO dark and stay focused on you!!! That means no texting back and forth also. You need to do this so that he starts to miss what he doesn't have at his finger tips anymore.

JAK

[runningoutoftime]

This is my guess. I could be wrong.... but I think it may be that his ego is boosted by having lots of women desiring him, and ultimately that's something he doesn't want to lose. There's probably a part of him that likes the idea of a family and the new baby seems like an "exciting new thing," but the reality of a family and marriage may be too much for him. I don't think he really wants it. If he did he would remarry (no excuses) and completely devote himself to his family and refuse any OW's phone calls (regardless of what disasters are occuring in their lives). He is a divorced and single guy, and seems to be happy with that.

[Startingover2]

[quote=jak58IMHO it is hard to blame OW for what is going on because you and H are not married. She is not going after a married man and you don't know3 what line of crap he may be giving her either.(or do you)?

It sounds like you are dealing with someone who does not want to grow up.

[/quote]

You are right, I can't blame OW....but seems to me that if a guy told me his exwife was pregnant with his child and he spends nights and days with her, I would run for the hills. Also, out of respect for an unborn child and as a woman I would back the heck off.

I don't know what he tells her. I know at one point I did see a text telling her that this was the way it had to be... whatever that meant.

People say that relationships can be addictions. When we were separated and exh was a schmuck I was hanging on for whatever reason when I should have been running. My counselor thought I was addicted to him. Why can't I be addicted to a guy with some integrity?

[JAK58]

I would havwe run for the hills too But, some people are just so needy.

Your Xh is saying and doing everything you want to hear and see and im'e sure he is OW too.
If she's needy she'll bite, just as you have been doing (until now because you are going dark right).

There is probobly some integrity in there some where that you can see a glimpse of H just has to grow up and start living it.

JAK

[runningoutoftime]

Your Xh is saying and doing everything you want to hear and see and im'e sure he is OW too.

Also, her father is dying and it sounds like he may be a big support for her during this difficult time in her life. This will only make her rely on him and want him more. Since he is divorced she doesn't see him as "offlimits." I personally would run for the hills too and would never be interested in anyone carrying that kind of baggage (who needs the drama?!!!), but there are a lot of needy, dependent people out there. She sounds like she may be that way.

[Startingover2]

Just wanted to put some stuff down and talk about the week. Weekdays seem to be better than weekends. Exh is attentive and really on his game. Weekends come and he starts to have a few beers and that's when the crap starts.

This weekend is a bbq fundraiser for a 4H club that both of our kids are in. The dad's pretty much do the day and there is coolers of beer and they all drink. Last year (we were separated) I understand that exh got so drunk he had to be driven home.

My mind starts to play games with me.....who is he going to call....is he going to want to go out with his buddies? Is he going to feel weak and call OW? None of this stuff I have control over.

This week I have been GAL. Not on purpose really....just been really busy with my kids and sports. He had his kids last night and finally he text messaged me around 9:30 asking how my evening was. I told him great....how was his? He said 'long and tiring'. He is exhausted by his children. They are actually great kids, but for some reason its a real struggle for him. I did say I listened to the baby's heartbeat and it was awesome. He said 'thanks for calling'. Hey, he has choices to live seprately and not be 100% trustworthy. He has choices to put us all back together once and for all in a healthy way, but he isn't. I do have to say I can see effort and change in him in a big way. In the way he acts towards me and all, but the ego calls to OW put a damper on my saftey feelings towards him.

[Startingover2]

Hmmmmm.....question is: Do you believe the behaviors?

We have had a great week since our blowup. I went dark for a few days and brought DH back around. We had a great weekend. He spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday here and just left this morning. He may come for dinner tonight, but I have my kids and don't like him to stay over if they are here.

Saturday he was telling me how happy he was....happier than he ever has in the history of our relationship. He sees huge changes in me and hopes that I see them in him. I asked him if he was scared and he said no. I told him I was still scared and so afraid of going thru what I did before when he left. It was a great moment. I had left to run some errands Saturday and he was texting me saying how much he loves me and this baby and how our life will be great.

So, I only peeked at his phone once all weekend. Nothing from OW. I know its way too soon to believe him yet, but its a start.

I honestly don't think I will ever feel 100% secure ever again. I did before and he blew me out of the water.

[JAK58]

[/quote]I honestly don't think I will ever feel 100% secure ever again. I did before and he blew me out of the water.
[quote]

SO2,

I think that comes with time. It also depends on your H's actions.

You are doing well just keep detaching and making him want you. It seems to be working. Every time you back off he comes running,so don't stop, keep it up.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Thanks Jak...I have been following your stich as well. I feel bad because I have no real advice for people. This whole situation has me at a loss. I have no idea what to do in most situations.

Things are still good. He seems happy and content. Real close. I am trying to GAL and still be good to him. I haven't been sleeping well now that I am getting bigger with this pregnancy. Exh came home with a body pillow. Not normally like him to do that kind of stuff. I am usually the caregiver. He brings me food and treats every day (not what I need!!), and generally is here alot. He seems to be turning back into the man I married....but so scared to bank on that.

We have our big ultrasound and amniocentesis this Friday. I know we both are excited and a bit nervous. There are some risks involved but they are minimal and until we hear 'healthy baby' I think we will both be on edge. I have to stay in bed for a couple of days after and he will be here to help with the other kids.

Interesting conversation with his exwife...who is my friend. She called me yesterday to calm my nerves about the amnio. She said exh had been talking with her about it and how nervous I was. She told him he needed to cater to me...she also said that about 2 weeks ago they were talking and he said he has changed and there was no way he was going to blow this again. Nice to hear those words from someone else.

Anyway, thats my update. Things are well, but I still keep my eyes open.

[JAK58]

Im'e glad to hear these good things from you SO2. Just please remember to keep doing things for you. This willl also help keep him on his toes.

I think when you are piecing and trying to put the M back together GAL tends to go by the wayside. I know it did with me and then I find out from H thet he is still somewhat disconnected. Not that it's bad I think it was to be expected but, it still sent me for a loop and lets me know that he still has work to do on him not just us.

SO wwhat im'e trying to say is keep GAL and be mysterious it keeps am wondering and helps them to see that they might just want you ans not OW.

JAK