well, I'm up at 5:30 with a pounding headache. didn't sleep all that well...just lots of dreams/thoughts running thru my head all night. thinking more about H's and my conversation last night. a couple of things...he said that last week (his breaking down) must have been keeping me attached, so he will make sure not to do anything like that around me anymore. and that makes me sad. just another step apart for us, on that road to divorce. I hate that he will no longer be part of my life, and that i won't be in his, except where the kids are concerned. but at the same time, I can't stay attached to him, keep myself vulnerable to attachment, while all his choices are about being with her.
our whole separation was supposed to be about me figuring out myself, and him figuring out himself. he kept/keeps saying he is confused, doesn't know what he wants. when I asked him to move out, we talked about all of this and I really thought that's what he would be doing. but no, he went to her. so maybe he isn't as confused as he tries to tell me he is. maybe he isn't at all. he sure isn't acting like it, at least not most times.
I really don't know what else I can do at this point. I don't know if telling him the stuff I did was right or wrong. should I have acted more, "as if?" I didn't even realize I was coming off as in a mood at all...I was just preoccupied with some stuff on my mind. or maybe I wasn't coming off in a mood, maybe he just said that because I wasn't asking about vegas and such. or maybe he's just miserable because he's not with his old team and wanted to pick a fight with me. who knows.
enough about him. good day today...gym this morning, then have a playdate with some friends this afternoon. once again, will try to get the focus off of him and onto me. hard, that, at times.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
