Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

Thanks, ladies. That's just it, MK. We are all part of this human condition. Like you said, if only these things were part of our education perhaps we could get beyond our primal tendencies.

I was thinkng of changing tactics with my H, just slughtly. I was thinking of e-mailing the following:

________

H,

I was wondering if you would be available to watch the kids one evening this week. Would you be available either Thursday or Saturday evening?

Thank you,

W

_________

I forget how long I'm supposed to try one tactic before switching... OK, 1-2 weeks. I't's been a couple weeks of being dark, but I have had a few backslides. I guess we've had some improvement...but not much. I don't know if it's the tactic or the inconsistency of the tactic.

Maybe I should just sit tight a little longer? I'm not really switching tactics, just throwing in a twist (like AndyV).

I need a night out, and I think we could use one positive experience. I'll feel more comfortable with him here than taking the kids who knows where, and he will witness me GAL. The last couple times he was here, he offered to watch the kids. He said just to let him know. I have been stubborn and refused not to ask him for "help". I thought, by asking as a request, I might be able to get him over here w/out being needy about it. I just don't know if I should take this step yet. I don't want to come off as pursuing.

Any thoughts?

[LL44]

I think that is a great idea, the email is good. But, if you want him to watch the kids IN the house, then put that somewhere in the email, how it would be easier for him to put the kids to bed (if you plan on being late. )

[mkultra]

It sounds like a great idea. Win/ win/win. You get to go out. The kids get to spend time with Dad. Dad gets to have a decent meal in a decent place.

I did do this for a while. Happy home and happy kids for reminders. But nothing I tried worked. I wish I could look back and see what worked and what did not work to offer you some foresight. The only thing I can say that would have made a difference is to absolutely do no persuing or snooping and to act like you are dating someone else. At least include men in the GAL even if they are just in the group. Even if you are not dating, date yourself. wear a different perfume, act interested in something new, act happy as if you found someone new and you could not care less about where he sleeps or what he does because you have already moved on with someone new-yourslf-shhh. It is not a game. It is acting as if you are really detached and it is psychology.

[LL44]

mk, awesome advice!!!!!

[mkultra]

OK so when are we going to get the nerve to do it!!!

[nephartiti]

Good morning, Ladies.

H called this morning at 8:00 AM. I used to be an early riser, but lately I've been sleeping in (probably b/c it takes so long to fall asleep). Anyway, I was still in bed and I answered the phone (the first time in a long time). Anyway, I almost blew my cover because he called the office line and I only answered "Good morning" instead of the usual script. He questioned me on it. Told him I was expecting someone else

Anyway, we talked for 45 minutes. I am so proud of myself. I did not talk about R at all!! I didn't question him on where he was except, when discussing seeing the kids I asked if he was still on vacation. I didn't question him about the elementary school or anything like that (big step for me) I tried to let him go a few times, but he started talking again.

Something is in the air because he started crying about how much he misses the kids. I wanted to say "well then do something about it." Instead, I tried to "validate" his feelings with an "I understand. This must be hard for you. I'm sorry you are struggling." Then he really started crying. I just gave him space to finish. He said he missed waking up next to them and reading to S2. I offered a night here while I go. He said it isn't just that. It's a lot of things. He just misses them so much.

He said he's planning to come see them Friday morning. I told him I would like to set up a regular schedule to build some consistency so everyone knows what to expect. He enthusiastically agreed, but we didn't actually set anything up. We were also talking about phone calls and I mentioned that S2 often wants to call. Sometimes we do, but he gets really upset when H doesn't answer, so we don't very often. He said, more than once that S2 can call ANY time. I told him to expect lots of phone calls then.

He also thanked me for the pictures, offered me his digital camera and said he would bring over the web cam for the computer. (He wants more pics). He asked how the grass we planted this year was doing. I reminded him we only did half the yard so half was muddy. I said I was hoping to plant more in the spring. He offered to help, at least financially b/c it was for the kids. He started choking up again and said he wants them to remember childhood as being happy. I told him I was trying to keep things happy here. He said thank you. I mentioned the apple picking. He was really excited. I got the feeling he wanted to go, but he said I should find someone to take to help with the kids. He said he was sure I was taking S9 (of course) so he couldn't go (I made an agreement with S9's dad when things got physically abusive towards me that I would keep a no contact policy with S9 and H for now). He also said he felt bad that S9 was caught up in the middle of all this (that was a shocker!)

I finally excused myself because there was someone at the door and let him know I would have the kids call when they got up.

We called about an hour later so S2 could say hi. He didn't answer and I had a feeling he wasn't going to call right back b/c I realized it was break time at school and he might be spending time w/OW. However, he called a few minutes later.

After he talked to S2 he let me know that S2 could call him again if he wanted, any time.

This was huge progress, however I'm not going to get overly excited about it. I'm going to continue to lay low. I won't initiate contact, but will be open if he wants to talk, but not too open. I will let S2 call him a little more often, but I'll try to stay off the phone as much as possible. I'm glad he wants to connect with his kids. Hopefully he continues to want to.

If things continue on this level and he starts to visit a little more, I'll try requesting a night off. Right now I'm going to let him lead until he feels a little more comfortable.

MK,
I'm keeping a journal of what I'm doing and the reactions I get. This way I can see things more clearly. Yes, I think that would be good. Especially now that he's saying how much he misses certain things.

lwb,
Good idea on the putting them to bed thing. I was trying to figure out a way to approach it w/out saying "I don't trust you to take the kids anywhere."

[Gingersnap]

This recent convo sounds really encouraging! Great job controlling your responses. It clearly worked because he continued on until you had to go.

Best of luck to you - I've been following your sitch.

~G

[SallyM]

nice conversation, neph.

one thing I'd recommend that is working for us is to have a set time when H calls, or when we call him. it helps the kids, because saves disappointment if h can't answer the phone at another time. they know he'll call around x time and y time. consistency is so key with little ones.

good luck!

[nephartiti]

Ginger, thanks for stopping by Yes it is encouraging. I hope, at the very least, we can maintain a working relationship in regards to the kids. I'm going to keep controlling myself

Morgan, thanks for the tip. I will suggest that to H. I have let S2 call twice today and both times H didn't answer, but he did call back. So that is a good thing. Still S2 is only 2 and he has a hard time understanding he has to wait.

[LL44]

Morgan is brilliant. As long as you know your H will call at the appropriate times, so you don't get him all excited and no call.

Good conversation. I loved loved loved that you did the ol' "I understand" thing instead of saying "Well, you could just come home, idiot". Great job. I know it was hard, but you did it. And no R talk? No question of where he is living? Nothing! I bet you get more calls from him since he doesn't feel cornered anymore.