new here and really worried

[cliffy]

Lost, I am glad you found your way here. I have been in the same house with my w and DB'ing for almost a year. I can honestly say if my w came back and said she would cut contact with OM and work to rebuild our M, I do not know how I would answer. I have gone so long not believing much of what she has said, or hearing what she said and then actions go against that it would take some time for my w to earn my trust back.
I would tend to think he is watching your actions from afar and isn't ready to jump back in. Maybe he hasn't seen enough? I don't know, but what I can tell you by the fact that he has sought help and made changes he has done lots of soul searching.
I am sure that neither of you want the old M. The EA he is in is unfortunate, but can be overcome. Try to take the lead, show him the person you have evolved into. A good start would be to cut ties with OM, don't make it a huge issue for starts, but after some time, drop it into conversation, or let him see it on his own.
He is in a period that he is uncertain, no different than where you were. He may very well have issues left to deal with. The only way is to keep showing him the person you have become. Hopefully that will be enough to draw him back.
I doubt he is trying to hurt you, but I don't know his side of the story, maybe he has become vindictive.
I am sure he has some trust issues, have you read the Shirley Glass book? This may help you understand what needs to happen to rebuild some trust after infidelity.
I think I am probably in similar shoes as your husband is at the time, I don't have an EA, but did have one indiscretion because it felt so good to be wanted by a woman after getting little attention from my w for so long. The indiscretion was not as bad as it could have been, because I stopped the physicality before it went to far, but pursued because I felt needy instead of being the caretaker for a change. Maybe this is some of what your H is feeling with his EA.

[littlebitlost]

See he was you. But now he isnt. I dont know where it was he started to give up. Where it was that he decided it wasnt worth the fight anymore. I have been out almost 6 months and slept on the couch for 5 or 6 before that. You haven't given up but he has. He says he has trust issues now and is working with a life coach. I wish I could make it all up to him...take away the pain i caused.

We had a great talk tonite before I went to french class and we REALLY talked and we REALLY listened. I told him how I was feeling about facing fears instead of running from them as he did ask me today what I would do the next time i was afraid or confused. We talked about all the things I said before I left taht were really hurtful. I explained taht they were wrong but at that point I was pulling 'away' and he was ;ushing so hard that I was saying things to get him to back off. I think he believes me but that does not take away from the pain that it caused him and I apologized for that.

I dont ever want to hurt anyone the way I hurt him again. At the same time I dont ever want to hurt like this again myself.

Thanks for responding to me goodguy. Either this is quieter board than I am used to, my story is boring or people hate me cause I am a walk away. LOL!!

[Gone Dancin']

Either this is quieter board than I am used to, my story is boring or people hate me cause I am a walk away.

I've seen you mention this quietness a few times. Have you been checking out other people's threads and giving them support and/or advice? That might help to gain more attention to your thread. It is a support group for ALL involved. No friend likes to constantly do things for their buddy and have their buddy never return the favor.

GD

[Forrest Gump]

This is tuff for me. Maybe this is part of my problem. I am gonna lay it out from my mindset and you point out the issues. Maybe I am still a DAM (Dumb A** Man) and I don't get it.

Breif synopsis coming.

You had "The man of your dreams". The caretaker. Time goes on everything ok... Then you decide that "there is something better" and roll out. "The something better" is still in your life as of a couple of days ago. "Man of you dreams" has now somehow gotten better. You really want it back. He has now become "The man all women dream of".

Think back on you leaving. What could he have done to "bomb" you? My answer, while it is coming slowly to me, is nothing. I have learned nothing. I don't have and neither do the other LBS here have a OW/OM. We have placed our value in guess what.. "someone else".

This EA is he a "Lay over" or does he "stand up"? I actually just answerd my own question. You already showed me the way. From my perception and what you have wrote he is. Please tell me if I am wrong.

I am sorry for asking what I was missing. I have had a really long weekend and the past few days have been hectic at work. I had to reread everything here to find it.

The guy you left is not the guy you are coming back to. YOU effected a change in him. I will say the OW is likely a strong and independant woman. Everything he knew about changed the day you left. He by his own admission dosen't wanna be "that guy"

You have to be more strong and independant than her. That is your cross to bear. To me (again just a DAM) he has to see you standing on your own, naked in the pouring down rain. No outside help whatsoever. That will be his bomb.

On a positive note I will say I honestly belive he will tire of the strong woman quickly. He will feel smothered. I just gotta believe that the "role reversal" is a temporary thing. He can cover it up but he can't turn it off.

I will say this one more time. Please call me out if I am missing the mark. Don't go away thinking I am angry or pushing buttons. I wish I could point out all the positive things in your stitch. I see a lot in what you write. I will have to work on that. Its me. Read what you have posted. Get a glass of wine. Read what is here it took me a while to figure it out.

[Forrest Gump]

We are listening Mrs. Ineeditnow. Sorry just had to say that. Now I am being the "lay over". See you have enacted a responce in me and I don't even know you. You right now need to be standing in the rain!! I just have to say the "I need someone" aint gonna work for you. When he says you have some work. That is what he is pointing at. He will "care" for you in ways you never imagined. You just gotta be "in the rain".

[Forrest Gump]

And where did this Gone Dancin come from he is definately not a DAM. He may just be the "Man we ALL dream of"???

[cliffy]

Don't get discouraged, it takes a little while. I for one am glad you are here! It gives me a bit more hope and also a little look at how my M could potentially go. It is said a large number of these sitches go this way, where the WAW is finally ready to recommitt, but the LBS has moved on.
GD gives some good advice about how to get people over here.
I like forrest analogy about standing in the rain.
I too believe he has told you what he feels the problem is, and you are addressing it.
Keep the faith and lead the way. You are getting responses, you generated a life changing response in him. He has become the man you know desire, good for him. Now it is your job to win him back and hopefully reach a point many of us dream of.

[littlebitlost]

Maybe he hasn't seen enough? - Cliffy

Sorry don't know how to use the quote function yet. He has as much as said this. He said he sees it sometimes and then he sees the old me. I still think part of him is trying to see the old me. THats OK> I know that this is going to take ALOT of time.

We are listening Mrs. Ineeditnow. Sorry just had to say that. - Forrest GUmp
Sadly this is true. I have always been about instant gratification. Another thing I will learn in this process is patience. If it is worth it, it is worth working and WAITING for.

You had "The man of your dreams". The caretaker. Time goes on everything ok... Then you decide that "there is something better" and roll out. "The something better" is still in your life as of a couple of days ago. "Man of you dreams" has now somehow gotten better. You really want it back. He has now become "The man all women dream of". - FOrrest Gump

Forrest...you do not have this right. I did not leave my H for anyone. I was not involved with this EA other than as a sounding board for my frustration. He has not been 'something better'. My H has made alot of changes, true, and yes they are very attractive to me. I have alot of respect for him standing up for himself instead of laying down and letting the world walk all over him...even with me.

To me (again just a DAM) he has to see you standing on your own, naked in the pouring down rain. No outside help whatsoever. That will be his bomb. - FOrrest Gump

I left because I needed to learn to be independant. I always thought I was but realized that I depended on everyone around me for everything. I have a 4 year old 2 year old, full time job, part time job and I have not asked for a single thing. I have in fact given him money (have to point out here that he just got a new tattoo, has been down to the states for 3 seperate concerts in 5 weeks and gone on a week vacation with his EA) None of which I have done...(really need the vacation) I have not called on him to do anything for me. I am VERY independent now...BUT I DID HURT HIM and I AM NOT NEW.

I just have to say the "I need someone" aint gonna work for you. When he says you have some work. That is what he is pointing at. He will "care" for you in ways you never imagined. You just gotta be "in the rain". - Forrest Gump

I dont need 'someone'....I need my husband. I know I have work to do and this is what I am doing now.

It is a support group for ALL involved. No friend likes to constantly do things for their buddy and have their buddy never return the favor. - Gone Dancing

Got it. Thanks for the advice and I see it. I am new here and feel like I know nothing. I dont feel that I am in any position to give advice yet....but I am reading peoples threads. Guess perhaps letting them know I was there might be a good idea

Cliffy - thanks for your well wishes and standing in the rain naked- does that mean be vulnerable. Maybe I 'm thick but I need some clarification.

[cliffy]

Lost,
I meant it to reiterate what gump said and add a tad. Standing on your own, no outside assistance, knowing that you don't need his help, but at some point want it. Heck, maybe even do something for him. If something comes up that he normally would handle, do it yourself. I would think his love language is "acts of service". If he normally pays for dinner when you get together, take care of it. If he normally cooks, you offer. I know this will be hard considering the living arrangements and only getting together with d there. Get what I am saying?
From what you have described you have become much more attractive person! It will take an extreme amount of patience now.
Start looking at the positive interactions you have had with him, what works?
I can't remember, but have you read DR or 5 Love Languages (Chapman)?
Again, you seem to be taking the right steps, don't pressure him about going to C. Does he know you are going? When you find a solutions based C, maybe put the request on C.
You are right, he does understand the "strategy". This is not only a way to win you H back, it is a way of life, a way for self improvement. More times than not a person becomes a much stronger individual and realizes they don't need their M back, but lots of times wants it. He has to want it now. And that my friend, will take lots of work on your part and a ton of patience.
Also, it is great that you realize you "need" your H. Unfortunatley, you have to come to the realization that you don't need him or anyone else to make you happy, but would prefer them to be in your life.

[Gone Dancin']

lost,

Sorry don't know how to use the quote function yet.

If you click "Reply" at the bottom of a post, it will direct you to a box where you can begin typing a reply. At the top of this box, you will see many tool options, such as Bolding, Italicizing, Underlining, etc. You will also see a box with quotation marks in it (looks like: ["] -- that is the box you click on to make a quote box around a person's post. You first highlight the section of the post you want to quote, then go up and click on the ["] box, and voila! You've created a quote for which you can respond to!

Was that easy to follow or utterly confusing?

I dont need 'someone'....I need my husband.

This will be difficult, but you don't need anyone but YOURSELF -- and to have a good R with YOURSELF. Be content and happy with who you are and just being with you FIRST. When you get there, you will find that you don't NEED anyone else (including your H). You NEED to get to the point where you only WANT your H, but you will be okay (better than okay -- great!) without him. You must have a strong, independent, and healthy R with YOU before you can have a strong and healthy R with HIM.

I'm an only child raised by a single mom, and growing up I can remember having A LOT of time to myself -- and I actually relished much of that time as a teenager. I worked in the woods during the summer fighting fire, and after work I would spend much of my evening reading, batting rocks or pine cones with a stick, walking around woods, etc, and just enjoying time with ME -- and I really enjoyed that time to myself! After my W left me in November, I couldn't get back to that person. It had been ten years + since I'd been that person I was when I was fighting fire. I NEEDED my W! However, 10 months later I'm finally getting used to just being with myself again, and getting to know me and enjoy my own company again. I'm still not there, but I'm getting there, and this is what is necessary for all of us. You will get there too, if you resolve to do so and stick with it.

I am new here and feel like I know nothing. I dont feel that I am in any position to give advice yet....but I am reading peoples threads. Guess perhaps letting them know I was there might be a good idea

Yes! Excellent idea! You don't have to know a lot or give advice on other threads. Just give support for people that seem to need it. It is especially easy to do so with people who are about as new to this as you are because you are both in the same place, more or less. Also, when you read a thread that you can relate to and identify with, you will find you have more to say to that person than others. Read Divorce Remedy -- it will make you feel much better, more empowered, and more knowledgeable for others who are here.

Wow! I think I made it through here without any 2x4s! Sorry -- I felt that I was maybe being too hard on you early on. I think what I had to say was necessary, but didn't want you to get discouraged either. Glad you're still around, and hope you continue growing on this journey and on this board!

Oh, and Forrest:

And where did this Gone Dancin come from he is definately not a DAM. He may just be the "Man we ALL dream of"???

I'm going to go ahead with the safe play and guess that this was sarcastic (esp since you're a dude). And what do you mean where did I come from? Don't you know how babies are born?

GD