Gingersnap-newly separated & bracing for the ride!

[Gingersnap]

Hi all,

I attempted an intro post a couple of months back but wasn't quite sure what was happening, so I waited it out. Now I suppose H is in a full blown MLC. So here's my story, hopefully in somewhat of a nutshell.

Married 12 years in November. Back in '02 H had an affair and rocked my world. S for 3 months and then R. I became a Christian through the trial (thank God!) and prayed for H's return. He returned saying he believed the Lord told him he needed to come home, repent, etc. Things went ok for awhile but lots of details about his A continued to surface during piecing, which made things very difficult for me.

Settled into life again and his detachment from me began to show again about a year ago. Very little affection, no ILY's unless I said it first, uncaring, distant, etc. Also stopped going to church with the family. I never pressured him about it, but noticed his behavior was getting darker. About 3 months ago I suspected another A. He shaved his private area (this still gives me the creeps), lied about going fishing for the day (I was suspicious and checked mileage...he only drove 15 mi that day and the lake was 2 hrs from our house one way), late from work, never home on days off etc. So I started with the confrontational behavior. He withdrew more, of course. And his anger...he flies into a rage at the drop of a hat, uses foul language and listens to hate music (literally, one song sounds like random screaming and the title is I f--king hate you!). He is full of hostility most of the time and clearly depressed.

Finally, about 2 weeks ago I decided to bluff my way into a confession. I called him at work and told him I knew all about him and his co-worker (I had reasons to suspect her) and I was done. He was furious. He came home and demanded to know what I *thought* I knew. I said someone had seen the 2 of them together. He was absolutely enraged. He got in my face and said "I did not have an affair with her and YOU KNOW I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!". He was telling the truth - looked me straight in the eye and didn't bat an eye or twitch a muscle. He called my bluff and I lost. Eventually I had to confess that I was bluffing because he kept demanding to know who said that and threatened to leave if I didn't tell him. So now, in addition to being distance, cold, aloof, etc. he has the *right* to think I've gone a little crazy.

So now....I don't believe there's an A. But there is still a LOT wrong. I tried to tell him that. I got smart quick and gave him space...no calls at work. No convo at home about R. Just cool.

As if this wasn't enough...last week his father, who abandoned him when he was 7 and whom he'd just been talking to again after being estranged for 10 years died suddenly. This came right after he went to Tenn. to help get him settled after being in the hospital (we are in GA). He spent the previous weekend up there nursing him and taking care of things because his dad had no one else. He had alienated his entire family. In the end he died a lonely old man in government assisted housing.

This sent H completely off the deep end, and I've read about the triggers in MLC. For this to happen DURING one....ugh. I just don't know what to think.

So...he started doing the "I don't know what I want...I need space" I asked him if we are done and he said he honestly didn't know. He said when he gets back from Tenn. he wants to move out to his own place. Very little communication other than that. I didn't even know what day he was leaving and when he would return except by hearing him talk on the phone to family members.

I have been lurking here for awhile and knew to go straight into DB'ing mode. I read DB and refer to it often. Right before he left I caved in a moment of weakness and cried on his shoulder...told him I loved him and didn't want this to be over. But I would support whatever he felt he had to do. He told me he loved me and didn't consider us done yet. He said "It's not over until we both sign on the dotted line". He told me to pray for him and he was off.

I have not called once and he's been gone since Saturday. He calls to talk to the kids at night and gives me simple how are the kids questions and a curt goodbye.

I am working on GAL (I'm a photographer and work is keeping me extremely busy, thank goodness) and detaching. So far so good. Last night was bad. His coolness on the phone hurts. I know that's just how it is going to be. It still hurts.

Just wanted to start journaling here and getting some support. I don't need links to newbie threads or DB books, as I've been here awhile (even before I joined).

Geez, this just isn't the place you want to introduce yourself, you know?

But well, here I am. That's life. But you know what? I choose joy. I choose peace. And I'm not willing to give either of those up for my selfish H.

~G