GF and X met during D's soccer game. It went well, it couldn't be a bad thing since GF and I are doing X a favor. It was civil and polite, the girls were excited to find out that GF was going to be watching them while I went to work.
Report from GF they were just perfect. They did what they were told and had a blast making dinner and crafts. I have to say my girls are very nice and behaved, I am proud to have them for my daughters.
The meeting of GF and X would usually make me worried and defensive towards X but I simply let those feelings roll right off my back and focused on the positive. The GF and X seemed to hit it off.
The bottom line for me is that I remained calm and had a smile on my face, I kept the grumpies away. I didn't ask about where she was going, why she would put herself before the girls, demanding to meet my GF, etc. I also did not play tit for tat, that is my cheeseless tunnel. For example, I was to meet and chat with the new babysitter before being hired by the X, the x agreed but in the end she hired by her without ever telling me a thing. My tit for tat attitude would have kept GF from meeting X, because I want the X to see what it is like to wear my shoes. I've been doing that since day one with the X and guess what? Itdoesn't work, ever but I keep chasing that cheeseless tunnel.
It was easy to do but I want to figure out a way to make it fair for me and not have her be so damn controlling. This part of X isn't about DBing, it has to do with her lack of control in her life, made up or not. I cannot help her in that department but I have a feeling that because her mother and I subsidize her income so much, she feels out of control. She choose to lead a certain lifestyle and she expects us to pay for it. I'd be happy to but then why don't the girls live with me since I can afford it? I wouldn't mind giving her the lifestyle she would like to live, but that was when she was my W.
Just some things I wanted to put down do cement the changes I've made toward X. She'll never see my side of the story or even empathize, but that is why I come here.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
So, I've been the cool calm collected person lately and it is all working for the better. I'm DBing, not to push X into my arms, it just works our better for me that way. I limmit calls, I don't ask to speak to X when she calls the girls and tell the girls I don't need so speak to mommy. I'm too busy to worrry about dealing with X.
Last weekend I had my girls Saturday through today, Tuesday. The girls spoke with the X and told her what we all did, etc. They told X that my GF spent the night, which was not true. I had an 8am business meeting Saturday and the GF came over at 7am when the girls where asleep. They woke up to the GF in the condo and me gone, my girls new I was at a meeting because we talked about it. The just assumed GF spent the night because they saw her at my place at night and then first thing in the morning. I have more respect for my girls and myself to have GF spend the night when they are there.
I emailed the X about some school stuff about the girls and church items to sync our schedules. The email was all business, to the point. She responded with the usual responses about what she will attend or won't attend, etc. Then there was this little comment that she made that I thought was very telling about her life and the way she raises the girls when they are with her.
She said that since my GF spends the night, that I shouldn't have a problem with her BF spending the night with her and the girls. I thought "My GF didn't spend the night and I sure as hell would not approve of her BF spending the night."
I wrote back, first going over some "school" items and then ended the email saying that my GF didn't spend the night, that I have more respect for the girls and myself, that our girls have gone through enough and do not deserve to see our private lives played out in front of them. I wrote that I will not allow my GF to spend the night, I accept the same from you but it is your choice and you have to live with that diceision.
She also wrote who her BF was, it is this used car salesman that is Muslim and has dumped her I believe 3 times. He leaves X for younger women, then somehow comes back to X. I could care less about him but something from a few years ago doesn't sit well with me and I'll tell you why.
When my youngest was 2, X and her BF were at former MIL's house drinking and shooting fireworks on the 4th of July. BF of X gives my then 2year old sparklers in each hand. She got scared and dropped one into the iinside of her elbow, closing ther arms togher, giving her 2nd and 3rd degree burns. She put bandages on her and sent her to daycare. When my dad and I picked up my girls the next day, the dayschool owner spoke to me and asked if I had seen my D's arms. I said no and she showed me the burns. She took pix and documented what happened.
X first told me that the X gave her the sparklers and then she changed her story and said she gave the sparklers to D. I was DBing at the time and remained cool. It was too late to do anything about the burns because they were 2 days old and treated by the school. There is a report on file at the school kept there until D turns 18.
The other part is that I am Catholic, my girls are Babtized Catholic and the oldest is studying for her first communion. I spoke with X and said since we both professed to God in church that we will raise our girls Catholic. We further spoke and agreed that the girls can do whatever they want when they are 18 but we will raise them Catholic. X is Lutheran, close enough to Catholosism and X's dad is very religous.
Since we go to church with my parents, we talk about Jesus, mass, why we Catholic, why we go to churhc, etc. Well, one day the girls tell me that mommy said Jesus isn't real, he is make believe. I thought "Great, here we go now."
I spoke to X and asked her about the commment, she said that Jesus never lived, he only lived in the Bible. I asked her why she would say such a thing when other religions refer to him as a Prophet? She went to Sunday school, she went to church, WTF?
Turns out the X is now an Athiest, she said so in front of my face. I said "This has nothing to do with the fact you are dating a Muslim guy, is it?" She wouldn't admit to it, but she was a Christian since she was born. I cannot figure this out but it does go with her M.O. When we first dated, she started taking Italian language classes and talked all the time about Italian this and Italian that. Just to let you know, I am Italian.
So, I thought this joker was gone, the BF. He is the one I have written about on this thread. It was he who burned my D, it was he who told the kids that the muslim religion is better than Chrisianity, it was he that tells my kids pork is bad for them and now it is he that X wants to have spend the night.
I don't know about all of you reading this because there are more things that meet the eye and much more to the story than I can stand to write. I am very grounded right now, not even irked but I think I might have to step in and do something about this. Maybe speak with X's BF directly, I don't know but I don't want him spending the night. All I can do is express my concerns with X and the rest is up to her.
I don't want something to happen because then it will be too late. This guy has been in and out of my X's life for 4 years now, dumping her and from what the girls say, treating X badly in front of them.
What are your thought?
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Your X's lovelife is none of your business. The courts are not going to prevent W from having her BF spend the night. W already knows you disapprove. So, unless you are going to pursue almost certainly fruitless legal remedies, DROP IT.
So there is nothing I can do unless (God forbid) something happens to the girls?
I'm just a little worried, that would be the third time something happened to my little one. Remember, X and MIL both had probation for 9 months for Child Abandonnment and Child Neglect from before with little one.
I really don't care who she dates, I would just rather people spend the night. I can only ask and I can only live MY life the best I can to raise my girls in the best possible way.
Don't get me wrong (OT) I am not pursuing and have not expressed my concern over this, that is why I come here. It seems the more I vent what is bothering me from my head to my fingers, the better I feel and that keeps me from wanting to speak to X about things that I don't want to talk about.
IF (and that is a big IF) something happens (which I pray doesn't) to my girls while this guy is around, that is strike three and I am going to Child Protective Services. My girls need to be safe and my X in the past has shown a pattern of not thinking in the best interest of the girls.
I'm not back peddling or taking steps back because there is nothing to move forward to. What I am saying is that I've always held out some hope that we'd work things out but I have been moving forward and with my posting here working as therapy, I'm on my way.
BTW OT, how the hell are ya? Did you get my response to you email?
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Thanks, just another reality check. You'd think after this many years, I would have grown by now but it seems as if I really haven't. Don't worry, I say this because you are not the only one saying that to me lately.
Things were moving quite well over the years but a few weeks ago, something happened. The same old Boo birds came back and he X loves to do the waltz with me. When I get these feelings, she's right there with me to stay in this quagmire (sp?). I really thought me posting here was just something to work out some minor kinks but it is more apparent that I'm stuck in the same old mess. I just have put more years between the outbreaks than when I first started here.
I am cutting the strings that keep me emotionally attached and am not going for the bait. There is so much going on in my life right now (just like everyone else) that I am thin skinned to deal with X's talons. GF is coming on strong too lately and I really like her. Can't keep spinning all the plates for much longer.
Hey.......................did you see that Raccoon? He just stole my sandwhich!
More to follow and more to write about soon.
TY everyone.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
And, I don't mean win W back, I mean win in the sense of proving her "wrong."
Tell GF I suggested she dump you until you leave your (nonexistent) M behind you.
OR, try on this for size. MAYBE you are avoiding deeper connection/intimacy with GF by becoming (re)newly obsessed with XW. So, maybe this isn't about your R with XW at all. Maybe it is about YOU and your problems with really becoming involved with someone at a deep level because of your own fear of intimacy.
Hmmmmm... I'm thinking that sounds right.
But, either way, tell GF it's not doing anyone any good for her to be more into the R than she is. It keeps her unhappy and you stuck because you don't have to do any work to maintain that R. She needs to STEP AWAY FROM THE R.
Then maybe you can figure out what you want. And, if it is her, IF you are lucky, maybe she will still be open to an R with you.
