h came over to see the kids and I took off to the gym for some cardio. was good...although, bummer, cute running guy wasn't there. lol. I got home and the kids were still up, so I jumped in the shower quickly and helped H put them to bed.
after they were down, he started in on me. not yelling, just asking what was wrong. I guess I look preoccupied. I told him I just have a lot on my mind, but didn't want to elaborate. he asked why, I told him because it had nothing to do with him. if it did, I would talk to him about it. he couldn't believe that something in my life, apparently, had nothing to do with him. he kept pushing, I held firm. I didn't even realize I looked annoyed tonight...although I was fast getting annoyed because he wouldn't let it go.
he kept belittling me, saying why can't you just have a normal conversation, that he didn't understand why. I told him I was very clear on the fact that he didn't understand why I couldn't with him. more stuff was said, most of it the same stuff over and over again.
he can't understand why I can't just tell him what's on my mind, what's wrong with me that I can't just have a conversation with him like anyone else can have. I took a breath and said straight out, "because you aren't just anyone. you are my husband. and you have left me for another woman. and I am alone now, and I have no one to take care of me. I have to take care of myself. I have to protect myself. and in spite of everything I still love you, and I have to learn to not love you anymore. I can't open up to you, because every time I open up to you, it keeps me close to you, it keeps me attached to you. even if its stuff that really doesn't matter, it still keeps me attached. and I need to take care of myself. my personal life needs to stay personal." (oh, he did ask about the 14th, btw. I said nothing, just asked if it was a problem, and then went off about him asking was a normal conversation).
he then went on to say that the stuff that happened last week (when he was crying and such) must have been hard for me, keeping me attached to him and such. of course it was, dimwit. I did not say that, wanted to. I just looked at him. because really, everything keeps me attached to him. if he is here, if we talk on the phone, it all keeps me attached to him. its only when he isn't here, when he isn't around or I'm not on the phone with him that I can detach and gal and all that stuff.
he just doesn't get it. he doesn't get how freaking hard this is. he says its hard for him, but he doesn't get just how hard it is for me.
finally he left and I'm sitting here crying. well, I suppose that's better than hating myself for sleeping with him, right?
eta, the huge proud I have is that I stayed calm during all of this. very calm. no hysterics, no yelling, nothing, just calm. I had one moment where I started to tear up, but I checked it.
Last edited by morgan; 09/26/0712:03 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
