3 Days to go

[Psch1968]

So a long update mid week.... but critical developments.

After 7 days of complete NC, she sent me an email which basically read as follows ... "After all the weeks of recent deliberation and even more so in the past few days, I thought I would take a leaf out of your book and put together my thoughts in writing, since that may be the best way to put across my feelings and may also allow you sufficient time to digest what I intend to write here. I am also acutely aware that so far, I have seemed unable to convey my thoughts well enough during our actual conversations. The box that you put together was so incredibly thoughtful and touching, and I recognize that it must have taken a huge amount of emotion and effort on your part, I am glad that you encouraged me to look at it…even though it was very painful to do so. Added to that, the 3 dozen red roses were incredible - thank you again for the surprise delivery. They are still here in full bloom making the dining room look and smell beautiful. Your reactions and consideration of my feelings during the past few weeks have truly been nothing short of amazing, and were more than I had hoped for. During this time, I have certainly seen some changes in your outlook on life, and your willingness to expose your vulnerability in the quest for a better future relationship for us. After an extremely emotional few weeks, I have somehow managed to finally make one of the toughest decisions that I have ever had to make, and I wanted to share that with you immediately for both our sakes.

While I am incredibly sad to acknowledge this, and have no desire to be the source of anything that causes you pain, I have confirmed my previously indicated feeling that there is no way back for our relationship as husband and wife. I have no idea if you will even read beyond this point in my letter to you, but I hope that you will because it has seemed important to you to understand exactly why this has happened. Additionally, I would like to attempt again to explain why I feel this way, as I know that you have struggled to understand my reasoning so far.....and perhaps that's because I have somehow caused confusion, or poorly articulated my feelings.

When we married, I embarked upon that journey with you full of hope for our future. I knew that I was making some compromises on what I had originally hoped for in a relationship, but I also thought that I was being mature and realistic when I realized that we are not all perfect. Some of what has happened since is perhaps because I have learned that some of the differences between us are too fundamental in their nature. Mainly however, I have felt that your behaviour towards me and the way that you have viewed me, us, and our relationship has changed over the years……and unfortunately not for the better.

Naturally, I can only talk about my own perspective and feelings here, so I apologize in advance if any of this sounds one-sided or selfish. I have felt over time that I have increasingly been taken for granted – in a number of ways. From assuming that I will take care of the multitude of household related tasks/errands/bill paying to your taking control of our vacations without consulting me before finalizing flights and plans, to allowing the affection in our marriage to breakdown, even when I was initially making the lion's share of the effort in this regard (though I accept that we both let things slide in this regard later on). It just felt as though you didn’t want to be physically close and/or found me unattractive in some way. When I have attempted to discuss how any of these things have made me feel, I have been met with either a wall of silence, or general indifference. Sometimes, you have even told me to 'stop spoiling the weekend' – these are not the actions of someone who cares about how I feel, and whether or not I am upset.

There have been times when I have been spoken to so rudely, and so harshly, that I found it hard to believe that you actually loved me at all. I would even go so far as to say that it has felt spiteful and vicious with some of the retorts that have been aimed in my direction. You'll recall that I also shared with you how it has felt in the past to be on the receiving end of the most disdainful, disrespectful looks from you – I cannot understand how you can suddenly recover that respect and love for me that has seemed so lacking in the past.

Sadly, while I believe (and hope) that I refrained from showing you any similar lack of respect over the years, more recently I found myself feeling so resentful of what I perceived to be your unreasonable treatment of me, that I lost the desire to make our marriage work. Every time you were mean to me, even in the smallest way, it added to the stockpile of resentment that was growing every day, and gradually changed my feelings for you – especially as I felt that I had supported you in the best way I knew how, particularly in terms of your career and our relocation. Instead of loving you so much that I would tolerate most things, or wanting to work at making it better, I became preoccupied with thoughts of escape from this desperately unhappy situation. I don't think I'm a bad person, and I felt as though I had put in enough effort, that I deserved something more in return.

In more recent weeks and months however, I fully accept that I too, gave up trying. I had no desire to try to continue to persuade you to discuss our problems. I have always felt that I had a lot to offer, but your actions have made me feel as though my contribution was not worthwhile, and that it was lacking in some way. I was tired of fighting you to gain respect and I couldn't understand how if the person I loved knew that they were upsetting me with their actions, they could continue to do these things without any real attempt to make things better.

Whatever we may forgive of each other Gary, I cannot forget some of the things that you have said to me in anger, or even seemingly out of the blue sometimes when you’ve appeared impatient. Similarly, I cannot forget the awful way that you looked at me in the past, or the way that you completely blanked me sometimes (and I’m not referring to the times when you honestly hadn’t heard me). I can't be with someone who has looked at me that way, completely devoid of any loving feelings, who is seemingly capable of switching gears from that to your more recent declarations of love. I don't trust it.

you are a capable negotiator who is able to influence people and decisions in business all the time, but in affairs of the heart where emotions are involved, things cannot be rationalized or resolved as easily. I know that you have been making huge practical strides to effect significant changes in your life, and while I feel that these are positive steps and I am genuinely happy for you, I don't believe that people can fundamentally change their personalities and character in such an enormous way. Perhaps I left it too long to take such a serious step outside of our marriage, if I had done it sooner maybe the damage would not have been irreparable. I don't know. What I do know is that while I love and care for you very much, I no longer feel able to do the work and make the sacrifices necessary to continue in our marriage.

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult, but I have felt freer than I have in years. Sure, I'm lonely and sad right now, but I'm also not walking on egg shells or feeling that my contribution is not enough. My true personality is re-emerging and I am on the road to being happier with myself. I am so sorry that this transformation cannot be with you, but I think that our being together has shown that we ultimately manage to rub each other up the wrong way, instead of bringing out the best in each other and nurturing our good qualities.

With all of this said, and if you still feel that you wish to move quickly towards a more official resolution of our situation, then please let me know when you'd like to sit down together to discuss next steps. I realize that you are going to Boston this Sunday for a week, and I imagine that you will be busy leading up to that, so just let me know when is convenient for you – or not. I am in no immediate hurry after everything we’ve only just been through, and the rawness that is still there, but I will be guided by you"

There you have it - very painful. and I will post my response shortly....



I hope that my outpouring here has helped to make a little more sense of the circumstances leading up to our current situation, and I hope even more that it has not made things worse. I do care for you….