My brother is a blessing in disguise for sure. It's been a tough couple of months with my brother being in hospital, now living with us and H and I going through all this crap
His appointment with the new therapist was supposed to be tomorrow but he has to work overtime and had to put it off until next Friday. It was either that or miss his doctor's appointment today and I didn't want him doing that because he had to go see about his prostrate. His PSA test was high and this has happened before. The doctor is sending him for a biopsy in November - does it ever end?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The doctor is sending him for a biopsy in November - does it ever end? No
BTW, I had one of those biopsies. No problem-O. A bit embarrassing but little discomfort. He might experience a little blood in his urine afterwards. I thought I got my period after my biopsy.
Oh, so it was because of the biopsy? Ok I see that now. J/k
HW, I hope next Friday’s appointment will calm things down for you and cause you to feel like he is working on his issues.
In the mean time don’t detach too much from your H. Some guys get that feeling if the W doesn’t care, why should he do the work.
Its good to hear your brother is some support to you. I hope your brother and H have some things in common to share with eachother.
H says he is "not concerned" about the biopsy but I know different. I am there for him, and he knows that
Dr. has already given him a prescription for antibiotics for a day before and several days after the biopsy
As much as I haven't been on the boards much, I have been working very hard to get through this mess, as has my H - with a tremendous amount of help from GEL - bless her heart
One step forward and two back sometimes but I will get there - whereever "there" might be
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I have been working very hard to get through this mess, as has my H - with a tremendous amount of help from GEL - bless her heart. I am glad you are working with GEL, and bless her heart, mind, and soul too. Thanks GEL.
Yes, GEL has been a real lifesaver through all of this. I owe a big part of my sanity to her for sure
For the most part, I am staying put in this R because of my brother (is that like staying together for the sake of the children? - lol) It is something both my H and I came to an agreement about. My brother needs our support right now and H is beneficial in that he can relate to the emotional position he is in because he has been there (and still is to some degree)
I think I would have been gone by now but my brother's situation put a hold on that for a while yet. I am guessing he might be here 6-12 months. H goes to his new therapist this coming Friday. He was supposed to go last week but had to cancel due to work demands.
H has been looking and talking about buying a classic car but I told him I would appreciate if he would hold off on that decision for a while until we got our personal life back on track - he seemed surprised. I still don't think it has sunk in that I/we are walking a fine line here. I told him classic cars don't pay the bills and until we know where we are going to be 6-12 months from now, it's best he hold off. I have to admit he is a whole heck of a lot better than he was but there are definite deal-breaker issues that still need to be addressed.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
H is beneficial in that he can relate to the emotional position he is in because he has been there (and still is to some degree) Something to add to a "what to talk about in therapy" list. I assume your H will tell the therapist, your brother is living with you and about your brothers history.
For the most part, I am staying put in this R because of my brother (is that like staying together for the sake of the children? - lol) Maybe it is, but you have other reasons to stay. Who knows what help the new therapist might bring.
HW, inertia, small signs of improvements, and hope are big things that keep LTR's. going. You know the alternative, leaving will be rough.
If you stayed through 2 A’s and all that mess, give the R some time and see what the C does for your H and the M.
I know I have a lot to lose if I leave this R - IMHO more than what I have to gain, so I am staying put for the time being, regardless of the fact there have been other "things" going on that I am NOT pleased about (more of the same old crap basically)
But, I have decided to give it a little while longer to see what this new therapist has up her sleeve. H seems open to the idea that a woman therapist might be able to help him more than the males have (he has always been more respectful and accepting of a woman's point of view/opinion that a man's and thinks women should have more positions of power so perhaps this will be beneficial)
Had my brother not come to stay with us, I would have been separated by now as there were a LOT of things that had just happened (in addition to what I have previously posted) but my circumstances changed instantly when my brother ended up in hospital and perhaps it was "someone's" way of saying "hold on here, you aren't finished with this R yet"
As much as our R is still very much strained and I am having difficulties with a lot of what is still going on (which I don't want to get into right now) I know I am in this for the longhaul for the time being. However, for some reason, I have been able to detach myself and, for the most part, look at it from a different prospective, which has helped tremendously
The new therapist has spoke with the old one, and she has contacted me several times already. One of the things she has assured me of is that she will be addressing the issue of honesty right from the get-go (something the others did not do clearly enough, IMO) and including me in some of the sessions down the road to ensure that honesty is being upheld.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The new therapist has spoke with the old one, and she has contacted me several times already. One of the things she has assured me of is that she will be addressing the issue of honesty right from the get-go (something the others did not do clearly enough, IMO) and including me in some of the sessions down the road to ensure that honesty is being upheld. WOW, I am impressed with her already.
Too many people (my opinion) get behind the confidentiality bandwagon, and hold some things back from the non-direct client.
H seems open to the idea that a woman therapist might be able to help him more than the males have (he has always been more respectful and accepting of a woman's point of view/opinion that a man's and thinks women should have more positions of power so perhaps this will be beneficial) Sometimes I am like that too.
I know when BB and I were in individual then group sessions, I seemed to understand other women in the group more than BB sometimes. Sometimes the guys made more sense than the therapist/group leaders (1 male and 1 female group leader as a team).
(in addition to what I have previously posted) Ouch, more? I understand why some things go un-said.
Some posters on the SSM forum didn't spill all of the beans for 3 years.
I have been able to detach myself and, for the most part, look at it from a different prospective, which has helped tremendously. Yes, I had to detach before doing some of my own work/things I needed to do or say to BB.
I suppose as long as you detach and remain considerate of the OP's feelings, and do things with a "best intentions mind" detaching is what needs to happen sometimes. BTDT to a degree myself.
(in addition to what I have previously posted) Ouch, more? I understand why some things go un-said.
Yes, there has been A LOT more. That was primarily the reason I was ready to walk, before my brother ended up in hospital.
Quote:
Some posters on the SSM forum didn't spill all of the beans for 3 years.
I doubt I will ever be in that position. As far as I am concerned it is water under the bridge and will do nothing more than bring more bad memories to the surface for me
Yes, I have detached and have still remained considerate of H's feelings. As much as I detest what he has done, and how he continues to sabotage our R, regardless of the consequences we face, I also don't think he is consciously doing a lot of it - some would say different for sure but I think after 19 years of being together, I know him pretty well. That is the primary reason I am holding out until he sees this new therapist. It seems like she has a totally different approach altogether. As a matter of fact, when H called last week to cancel the appointment, she wanted to talk to him directly and he mentioned to me how impressed he was with her in the way she spoke (already?) Regardless of what his reasons are for seeming to be "impressed" with this new therapist, I don't really care. If he thinks it will work, that's half the battle won right there.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
