new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Thanks goodguy. Please do not mistake my words for someone who does not take FULL resposibility for where I sit right now. I do. I made all the wrong choices and now I am going crazy trying to fix it.

I do want to point out that the last year was bad so I am not sure what he is gong to miss. THe bad times overshadow the good times in a big way now. He says he cannot remember a time that was good. How bad is that? God I cant imagine. I only look for the good memories and he is soooo stuck on the bad ones.

I wasnt saying I deserve anything but I would not wish the way I am feeling now on my worst enemy so what I was saying about how could he do this to me, I meant....he knows how much it hurts so if he does not want tthe marriage then end it...I dont want to play this game. It is too painful and he knows that. He has been here.


THere was some lawyer stuff today I wil talk about later....brutal. i asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said if he did he would have filed by now. What the hell? He does not want to work on us...no effort, no counselling....what does he want. Does he think he will suddenly fall in love iwth me again without any interaction other than picking up the kids? I dont see him anywhere socially. We dont do anything together. I dont understand how this is supposed to happen.

He says he still has a lot of work to do. I dont know why he thinks he has to do it alone. Does he realize he will never stop learning about himself and workin gon himself

He also said today that the last time I got scared...I ran....How does he knwo I wont do it again. I have dealt with alot of my fears. I dont run from them, I face them. I face them determined and with drive I never knew I had.

I wish I could make him understand that I will never run again!