Yes I can open the door but I guess I wonder a little if I am letting in a wolf in sheeps clothing. Like what if my suspicions of a big sexual secret are what really keeps H at arms length and not a simple performance anxiety kinda issue? I wonder if I open the door and get a tepid, not very sexy vibe if it won't just throw me right over the edge. KWIM??? In part I am not offering to fill in the void because I feel like there is a "truth" that I am missing. Maybe I am totally wrong and being paranoid.
RJ,
Yep - we are the King and Queen of appropriate, cordial interaction and H seems to also want cordial sex when he wants it. I would really like a much less cordial, dirtier sex life and I can even live with a less cordial, more "real" homelife.
Dom,
What I am looking for in terms of moving forward is moving forward with the reality that is my marriage. Maybe I can agree to a companion marriage if my H were gay or otherwise not interested in me (grasping at straws for an HDW,I know). If I knew that he had a problem (physical or emotional) or was disentangling himself from an affair but wanted to work on the marriage I would know what to do. I feel as if I don't know how to work on the conundrum that is my marriage and that maybe whatever is wrong is something I can't fix and that my shots in the dark really make me a continuous fool. If I knew that there was something that was inherently "him" and not "me" or "us" then I guess I could focus on other areas of my life and consider him a friend. BTW - I know how crazy this sounds.
