Fran, re the birthday: regardless of what he says, I would not let the day go by without acknowledgment of some kind. Card, present, special dinner-- whatever. NO party with friends. Fours want to feel bad IN SPITE of what others do for them, so if you do something for him, you'll be holding up your end of things. I read somewhere that being a male 4 is really really difficult. (And being WITH a male 4 can be really really difficult-- ask Mojo.)

karen wrote
Quote:
Lil,

Your entire post makes sense to me. I'm not sure why it is the case. It is almost as if the intimate knowledge of the other through shared experiences demonstrates their "otherness" and the more shared experiences the more this becomes obvious. This is where you have to let go of any early courtship thoughts of "soul mates", being so incredibly compatible, sharing so much and recognize the other person's individuality. I guess it is to the extent that couple successfully negotiate this that makes it or doesn't.


I love the way you understand what I'm trying to say. \:\)

What I've bolded describes it very well. With these people, instead of shared knowledge and experience bring you closer and making them ACT PUBLICLY as if you're closer, they almost seem driven to act out their independency and prove they haven't fallen under the influence of the closeness.

See if this fits with you (and Fran): If there is to be a public expression of our "belongingness" to each other (i.e., the fact that we are a couple), that is also something that I must initiate. Walking up to him and taking his hand, putting his arm around me at the movies or at the synagogue, coming up to him while he's with a group and standing close to him-- this seems like "normal" (the dreaded n-word!) couple behavior to me. But he seems to need to assert through behavior that he will not behave like the typical member of a typical couple. As though he's saying, "I don't care how long we've been together, I'm still my own man, so don't expect me to act like we're a couple."

It's that old Glen Campbell song:


It's knowin' that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleepin' bag
Rolled up and stashed behind your couch
And it's knowin' I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line
That keeps you in the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

It's not clingin' to the rocks and ivy
Planted on their columns now that bind me
Or something that somebody said because
They thought we fit together walkin'
It's just knowing that the world
Will not be cursing or forgiving
When I walk along some railroad track and find
That you're movin' on the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
And for hours you're just gentle on my mind

Though the wheat fields and the clothes lines
And the junkyards and the highways come between us
And some other woman's cryin' to her mother
'cause she turned and I was gone
I still might run in silence
Tears of joy might stain my face
And the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind
But not to where I cannot see
You walkin' on the back roads
By the rivers flowin' gentle on my mind

I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin' cracklin' cauldron
In some train yard
My beard a rustlin' coal pile
And a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands 'round a tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you're waitin' from the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
Ever smilin', ever gentle on my mind



The trouble is, "gentle" on someone's mind is very passive-- it's not the state of a man who wants to jump your bones... the bolded parts indicate a man who is more comfortable with simply knowing you are there without having to deal with the reality of you.