I honestly worry about things less each day. And, in some ways, this does blow. Let me explain. Understanding and accepting how my actions got my W to where she is now (she shares in that as well) DOES blow. I have stopped beating myself up over it and am working on me and making me happy. For me, the verbal tick of occassionally saying "this stinks" helps me stay sane until I can totally stop thinking about things. That make any sense at all? (In my head, it makes perfect sense )
Acting 'as if' gets easier daily because I find that I'm not really acting, I am happier than I have been in years. The frustration of "why couldn't I wake up earlier" does bubble to the surface now and again, but less and less frequently. Getting out of the house, settling into my new place, beginning an exercise program again, planning activities with the girls, doing my job better are all helping me move from acting to being.
Regarding my W, I know that all of the above does two things -- one, and most important, make me happy; and, secondly, as a byblow of making me happy, may draw my W back to me. The first goal is predominant. The second is more hope than goal. I currently have no real expectations of my W though at the same time I do hold onto a hope that she'll decide to create a great M together with me.
That's kindof the best I can explain it at the moment. No expectations, but continued hope anyway.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
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