He still is the martyr. I forgave him the A and we moved on. In the meantime he has said the odd thing here and there which makes me feel like thinks he was entitled to act out that way. He still thinks it was all my fault and none of his fault. Or maybe 50/50 between me and OW.
There is some sort of link between the martyrdom and the entitlement. It's like my H sat back and did nothing about our sex life til he felt entitled to have the A. The "cure" is for him to come forward with himself, just as the "cure" for me is to combat depression and come forward. These things are hard to do when you're clueless...the tendency is to blame the other person.
Tee hee hee and hee. Not to belittle your comments. I understand what my post may look like at first blush. I am not keeping myself from some marital bliss by not initiating. I am demonstrating some sense of personal self esteem and giving my H opportunity to accept some accountability in the R. I am taking the "feminine" role and leaving room for him to take the masculine.
Believe me lack of BC isn't stopping me from sex. If H demonstrated the slightest interest I would be the first to say - hey, let's use a condom, today sponge, charting or whatever and resume our happy SL. We have four children (two are from this M) and if I got preggo again on accident we would have 5 - no prob. I have been the one to press for sex throughout the length of this R - I have flirted, asked, pushed counseling (we went a few years ago), iniated Marriage Encounter, cried, gotten philosophical, written emails, snail mails, cards, romanced him, worn lingerie, given books, read books, discussed magazine articles and in the meantime kept my girlish figure except while pregnant, kept up my hair and makeup, clothes and pleasant disposition.
Am I in MLC? Not really. I am in midlife personal definition. It is time for me to define the parameters I live in and decide how to proceed. What I am gearing up for is to just ask H point blank (1) You haven't initiated sex for a year, your behavior inicates that you want to raise our children and share a partnership in a sexless M. Is that right? or (2)You haven't initiated sex for a year, your behavior indicates that perhaps you don't want to be married anymore. Is that the case? or (3) You haven't initiated sex for a year, perhaps you have an issue pesonal or marital that needs resolution in order for us to have a sex life. Is this the case? None of the three is necessarily a deal breaker and I don't intend to have an affair or do any other strange MLC behvior. It is just time to come to grips with what I am dealing with and THEN I can figure out how to proceed so that I can be happy and moving forward in my life. IOW - this isn't the time to greet him at the door in a trenchcoat this is the time to put the cards on the table.
Oh yeah - the "bigger issues" are that the reason we don't have sex is because he sidesteps it, doesn't initiate, doesn't care about it, won't discuss it etc.... The bigger issue is the "why" of that.
Also, I am not being deceitful by not initiating. I have said "I don't think it would be a good idea" several times in response to his "if it happens it happens". I don't know how he think it might "happen" if he doesn't do something. If he initiated we would have sex. If he showed an interest I might say - lets just go down on each other this time and discuss appropriate bc for next time. Your post inticates what would be the "normal" case for many women post childbirth. Not me. Not ever. I was ready at about 4-6 weeks post partum. Got home from the gyn and.........................................Nothing. Not even a "Hey hon, did your doc give you the go ahead?".
Your entire post makes sense to me. I'm not sure why it is the case. It is almost as if the intimate knowledge of the other through shared experiences demonstrates their "otherness" and the more shared experiences the more this becomes obvious. This is where you have to let go of any early courtship thoughts of "soul mates", being so incredibly compatible, sharing so much and recognize the other person's individuality. I guess it is to the extent that couple successfully negotiate this that makes it or doesn't.
Whew - sounds like there is a ways to go in healing for you and H. Radical honesty sounds like part of the equation and the concentrated building of good experiences is another. Have the two of you undertaken any special activities, hobbies, dates lately? It might be a good idea.
So, I see some signs of H noticing the gulf. Periodically during the year he has done this - said he "missed" me, sent flowers to my work to say the same, left me a wedding cd from a business associate this morning with love songs on it.
The really sad thing is that this stuff has no "juice" to it. It isn't followed with a passionate kiss at home, nor any at all unless it is a little peck. It is isn't followed by a suggestive whisper in the ear or even a straight out "How about we put the baby to bed and get to gettin?". There aren't compliments about my ravishing beauty or even the booty that I have been working out so hard lately.
We'll see what the recent signs of recognition bring........ Oh yeah, there is a family vacation coming up probably nothing will happen until then.
I'm not sticking up for your H, but it does sound to me like he is trying to reach out to you, and for whatever reason, doesn't feel safe within himself to proceed with you.
But to take what he IS giving you and say... 'eh... no juice.' Wow. That just doesn't sound like you.
Is there anything you can do to open the door, just a little for him... ??? Maybe bring home a bottle of wine and suggest you and he drink it later together while you listen to his CD?
Karen, Correct me if I am wrong, but I am getting the feeling that your marriage has this cordial, caring, formality to it. And maybe your H wants to delegate you to the role of cordial wife and nurturing mother, all the while keeping intimacy at arm's length. I am not sure how you manage to stay so in control.
Thanks for the suggestions about H and I planning "together" activites. That is just what we are doing.
Hi again Karen, glad to see that you took my posts in the spirit they were intended
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What I am gearing up for is to just ask H point blank (1) You haven't initiated sex for a year, ...
Good for you! I personally think that honest communication is always preferable to silent, hidden agendas
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THEN I can figure out how to proceed so that I can be happy and moving forward in my life.
What are you looking at, in the realms of "moving forward"? I ask this, because sometimes, seems like our plans for future agendas, sideline or blur responses from our spouse. ie: we "hear what we want to hear" in order to further our own agenda, rather than what they tell us... or, sometimes, what we need to hear "between the lines" of what they are telling us.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
