Get me on a smoother ride....need advice - part 3

[SueS]

Trying........

You know, it hurts when someone hits the nail on the head and to hear the truth. No offense to you whatsoever, but you did hit it on the head. My H does do whatever he wants and I'm the one that makes sure everything gets done. Not that H doesn't help out or do his share, but he sure does his own thing. It's strange though........I was thinking about this the other day. The past month, we've worked more as a team than we have in a long time. Talking more about schedules, D3....etc. Yesterday I said....okay D3, let's go get groceries.....I want to get back to finish the laundry. H said....since you're getting groceries, just sort things for me and I'll keep the laundry going. I cleaned all the salad fixins' and washed the dishes last night (not usually my "task"). H in turn, got our lunches ready. Just strange that we have unintentionally started this "working together" deal now when this A is going on. I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe us working together and communicating will help push the A out of our lives.

I've been trying to figure out how to do a 180 that wouldn't involve hurting my D3 at all. She hates it when I leave. Yesterday at one point I grabbed my shoes and my purse. H asked where I was going. I just told him that I needed to go grab a few things that I'd forgotten at the store. The questions came flying.....where are you going, does D3 know you're going without her.....etc. He always questions when I do something, but he doesn't like me asking the questions to him.

About telling him to tell her not to call, that's a tough one. I wasn't right there in the room with him when she called the other day. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I could see the nervous look on his face & his glance around the room to see if I was nearby. I'm not sure where to start with that. If I should wait a little while & ask if they're still communicating (which I know they are) or if I should stay back, GAL, 180 and hope that it fades. I told him that I don't want to sit back and hope things get better, but at the same time I also don't want to push him closer to her. Tough one!


Thanks- SueS

[tryingtoholdon]

It seems to me he worries a lot when you want to do something. That is why I think this would be a great opportunity for this to be a 180. Turn the tables on him just a little to add mystery for one and also to see what it feels like. But in a nice way. lol Because you don't have to be very nasty or anything about it. Just simply say honey you don't like me asking you about your whereabouts. Can't this go both ways, I just need some time for me.

You have to stop feeling bad about your daughter. You are a great mom. You can tell she is not used to you having time for yourself. Because you don't seem to take the time. All mom's need some time for themselves to unwind. I know how this situation is because I was guilty of it myself. I always always put everyone before myself.

That is great that he is starting to help out some. : ) Maybe there are even things you could suggest he do to help. Because men can't read our minds. I had to learn myself to start asking. I would sit an stew because he didn't just realize I needed help more. lol If you know for sure that the calls are taking place then maybe bring up that boundary. But that is a decision that is personal to you. We all have a different thresehold for what we can tolerate. You just have to decide what it is that is just to disrespectful and draw the line.

[fightingirish]

Hey Sues... Great wkend from the sound of it..

trying is right though, I do think you need so tset some boundaries with him, but I do it when things are open to conversation about it.. when d3 is not around.

You definately should go out, if he doesn't this frequently, then you need to take some time also, Im not a big fan of H going out all the time without me, so he doesn't, I don't think its righ if he has a wife and children home to be with. Not that going out once in awhile is a bad thing, but every night or 5xs a wk is excessive.

Good luck, you sound better too hun!

TAL

[Pamar]

SueS,

What would I get if I made you a sandwich LOL!

Listen to the advice, go out and enjoy yourself. H can't complain if he is also doing it. Get some of your friend's together and just have a nice enjoyable night. Doesn't have to be late, but its time for you. Just tell me where you are going and I'll hope on the nearest plane

[SueS]

Oh Pamar! You know just what to say to make me smile!! I love cheesecake! That might get you somewhere!

Tired & TAL........I do want to go out. It would have to be a weekend, or I guess a Friday night. H's schedule doesn't allow for me to just call him and ask him to pick D3 up from school. I have a friend that emailed me last night asking if she could see me soon. She lives about 2 hours away. We haven't seen each other in years! We were great friends and drifted apart. We might get together soon. I have another friend that told me we could get together soon too. The thing is that I need a "fun" friend to do it with. I need H to think I'm out with someone that could get me in some trouble!! D3 and I are going to my parent's house this weekend. H surprised me by asking when the next time would be that my parents would be here. My father has cancer & goes to the Mayo Clinic here in MN for his check ups. He's going back in Oct. H wanted to know so he wouldn't be scheduled to work the Sat. they are here.

I called H this afternoon just before his lunch (no, not pursuing) to ask him a D3 question. He didn't have much to say and told me that he was going to go out to dinner with some guys from work. I kind of let it go and told him I had to get back to work. H called back about 30 minutes later and apologized for being quiet. He said that he had 3 emails from other departments coming in when he was on the phone with me and he was having issues with a few loans. We talked about this weekend. He originally asked me if I was leaving on Fri. or Sat. & then said....you know what, you leave & come home when you want to, I don't want you to take more vaca. than you need or want to. He was originally supposed to go to a concert on Sun. night. I told him that I was tired of him having to go by himself & reminded him of how he just got done telling someone how he has to go alone because of us not having a babysitter. He told me that he was going to try to sell the tickets and if he absolutely couldn't get rid of them them he was going to take his buddy (who I know). Then we talked about where he was going to dinner tonight. That got us on to talking about some other restaurant that he said he wants us to try. When we were getting off the phone, he just sat there. I said....okay, I'll talk to you later. He said...okay hun and then he just sat there. I said...love you. He said love you too and we got off. It was like he was waiting to see if I'd say it.

I need to go and get D3 some dinner. It's raining here and our Direct TV is out AGAIN. Some fun!

SueS

[LL44]

I felt it was a good weekend and I just decided not to think about it for a few hours!!

That's great!!!

If I should wait a little while & ask if they're still communicating (which I know they are) or if I should stay back, GAL, 180 and hope that it fades

This is tough. For many weeks, I played this messed up game with H.

"Are you guys still talking"

"Yes".

Then I had nothing. I had tried to draw a line in their communication ending a long time ago and he didn't do this. Where do I go from there? I stopped asking for a couple weeks, and the one time I tried to talk about it after that, remember he blew up on me, raging about how unhappy HE is with ME, turning it around.

I guess what I am saying is, if he is going to talk to her, you asking him to stop probably won't help at this time. He knows you know, he knows you don't like it, now its up to him what to do about it. I know you can't go forever like this, waiting and not asking, but maybe give it some more time.

Is your H a person that would approach you with relationship talk, or would your marriage just start getting better on its own? Does that make sense?

[SueS]

lwb-

H is not the type that would approach me with R talk. The marriage would just start getting better. He would start doing things or saying things that would bring us closer together.

One thing I noticed about H this time is that he has not done the things I would expect from him, which tells me that he's not necessarily unhappy with me or being with me. My H can be/has been a big drinker. At times when he's been angry before, he would have the tendancy to either drink here at home or when he went out and then start in with the negative R talk. Not that this happened a lot or that it was horrible...I want to leave...type of talk, but that's when & how he let out his thoughts. He hasn't done that. Don't get me wrong, that's good for me, but the way he is this time is different.

I'm expecting that he's thinking I'll call him tonight while he's out. He just got off work about 10 minutes ago. Not going to call. We had a good convo. this afternoon when he called and I want to leave it there for now. No pursuing or checking up on him, right?

I'm really looking forward to going to my parent's house this weekend. I grew up in a VERY small rural town. The most kids in a class in my high school was about 30. I had 17 in my graduating class. I usually go home when there is some event happening. My nieces go to the school that I went to growing up, so I know a lot of the parents & I still have friends there. However, there is NOTHING happening this weekend. I get to spend it with family and just hang out. I promised my mom I would help her around her house & yard. I did that last year just before Christmas and helped them put up their decorations. My sister & her H live down the street, so I'll spend time with them too. My sister knows a little about what's going on, but no one else. Oh, and my last living grandparent (g'mother) lives there too. I told H that I was going to help my folks, but I also told H that I'd be checking out the new bar in town!

Well, I better get busy. D3 wants to play on the computer & I want to get her to bed early. One good thing about H being out is that if I get her to sleep, I can relax for a while too!

Have a good evening.

SueS

[LL44]

Enjoy your space tonight, do what you want, and NO calls to H. I would TRY to not be intimate tonight if possible, but without anger. I am NOT the person for advice in that area though.

Our H's sound a lot of alike. Our R talks usually occur after we both have had a few drinks to relax. But not always. And yes, if H comes back to me, there won't be any declaration.

NIGHT NIGHT and RELAX

[SueS]

Well, not a good morning!!

H went out last night for dinner with some friends. I saw a receipt for dinner and he was where he said he'd be. No problem with that.

H tried to get frisky when he got home, but I didn't really react (like I was sleeping) and he must have been tired/drunk, because he just rolled on his back & was asleep w/in seconds. I had turned toward him in my sleep, putting my arm over his chest. I decided that I'd initiate. It was close to time for me to get up anyway. I initiated & we were intimate.

Here's where the bad morning comes in. H & I got up to take showers. H went in first. I went to shut D3's door and noticed that our computer was still on. H had forgotten to shut it off or log off his email. Yep, emails from OW. I opened one of them & it was from her at work. So, apparently, I'm wrong....she's not out of town this week. Not sure what it was all about, but he called her hun and she called him baby. I was irrate. I went back into our bedroom & started throwing some things around. H came out of the shower and noticed me and my actions. He went into the den & saw that I had the computer turned. He sat down at the computer. I walked back in the den & started what I'm sure will be considered a backslide.

Here are just some of the questions I can remember myself asking...

-How can you sit there and tell me that you're just talking when you're calling her hun (which is what you call me) and she's calling you baby?
-What is going on? H: What do you mean?
-Between the two of you? H: Nothing, we're just friends.
-Then why the emails, the phone calls so late & the pet names? H: It's just something no one will understand.
-WHAT??? H: What do you think people immediately think when a guy & a girl are friends and communicate often?....That they're having an affair.
-Yeah H, but communicating several times a week? You don't even talk to your BF's or your family that often. H: I don't talk to her every day.
-Then how often? H: Every couple of days.
-Well, how do you think I am supposed to feel when you're hiding your "friendship" from me and when your communication & affection toward me takes a nosedive at exactly the same time you start your "friendship" and phone calls to/from her?
-Does OW know that I know about you two? H: No.
-What do you talk about? H: Anything & everything.
-Do you talk about us? H: From time to time.
-What have you told her? H: That we've had our fair share of ups and downs.
-Does OW's H know that you two have this "friendship"? H: No.
-Is she happy? H: Not completely.
-Maybe OW should start talking to her H if she's not happy. H: What do you mean?
-Well, if OW is unhappy, don't you think her H deserves to know about it.....that OW should start talking to her H about why she's unhappy instead of talking to my H about her problems? Don't you think it's only fair to him?
-Now I understand why we haven't spent time with them in a couple of months. You wanted us to all be friends, but we haven't seen them in a long time.
-When was the last time you saw OW? H: A few weeks ago.
-Did you see her Friday when you went out? H: No.
-Did you see her last night? H: No.
-Were you supposed to see her this weekend when I'm gone? H: No.

I don't know how people will feel about this part, so I want your opinions. I then told H.....
I would like 2 things to happen.........
-I would like you to tell her that I know about all of this.
-Things were getting better with you and I and I only want them to continue to get better.....So the other thing I would like is for you and I to work on this marriage.....on our marriage.
-I don't know how far this has gone, and I hope it hasn't gone very far, but I told you last week that I WILL NOT give up this marriage or my H without a fight.
-Whether you want to hear it right now or not H, I still love you very much.

After that I went into take my shower. I came out and D3 was awake. I took her in to H and tried to be as "as if" as possible for her sake. I got ready for work, got our lunches ready, gave D3 a hug and kiss.....told H I was leaving, kissed his cheek & left.

It's weird. I want to cry, but at the same time I feel a little empowered. I had some tears in my eyes when I was talking to H this morning, but I was stronger than I expected I'd be. Probably because I was so mad.

The one thing I wanted to say to H that I wish I would have was for him to please just take some time to consider how his communication with her and his emotional attachment to her is taking away from us. Regardless of whatever kind of "friendship" he says they have, it's taking away from us.

Well, let me know what you think.

Thanks everyone. I know I haven't done my best in posting on everyone's threads like I should, but I truly, truly appreciate your helping me out.

And......I do still plan on going to my parent's place this weekend. I won't let this affect my plans. I deserve to get away and spend time with them. I miss our dog too. She's at my parent's house. She's the one that kept me sane & kept me going through the last A. I wish she was here now.

Thanks- SueS

[tryingtoholdon]

Good for you and the confronting. Way to go girl!! Because he is in the stage still of denying this I think. He left the confrontation wide open by leaving the evidence wide open for you to find. You started the process of setting some boundaries and that is very good and very brave. : )

Did you see anything between their e-mails that could give you any indication how far this has gone? I know one thing I would have asked him is how he would feel if you were calling someone hun and they were calling you baby? Would he consider that okay for you to do that? Maybe that will at least get him realizing how wrong this is. Did he say why her husband don't know if this is only a platonic relationship?

How did he act during his last affair? Did he deny ot? Did he show any remorse?

I am so sorry as I know this is hurting you. I feel for where you are right now Sue I do. Because that is where I am at. I suspect my husband is having an affair. Still looking for the concrete proof. He is being good at covering it. But when I seen him register on an adult dating site and write girls e-mails he told me he was only fiddling around! Like he didn't think it was wrong. Because he didn't mean anything by it.