Yes, the pain runs deep, IMO. It started with FOO and then the icing on the cake was the diagnosis of the heart defect.

I think I understand in part what "getting to the top" in flying meant to cac, and I believe that part has FOO connections. Read through the thread that Lil linked yesterday, and you'll see some clues there.

cac admitted that his father was bullyish. I know he could be a real azzhole sometimes because I've seen it first-hand. He grew up in a shame-filled home, where he was blamed for plenty of things that weren't his fault. He mother didn't protect him because she was ducking herself. He was often compared to his older sister and appeared (to his parents) to fall short most of the time. He wrote on that thread last year that he apparently still does fall short.

Then came flying. His father became interested, got his license, and bought an airplane when cac was about 10, I believe. cac became interested in flying too, and of course his father approved, which I'm sure was HUGE to cac. Now he finally had a chance to prove himself to his father.

cac received his private pilot's license on the very first day he was allowed to, by law: his 17th birthday. He had his pilot's license before he had his driver's license. He went off to college the next year. He chose to major in music because playing music in the military was one of his backup plans, should he not get a pilot slot for some reason. His father disapproved of his choice of major and the music he played. His mother, a former music teacher, simply dismissed his music (jazz) as "noodling," implying that it wasn't legitimate music like the classical music she favored. What she didn't realize was that he got all her training and then some. Learning to play jazz is taking it beyond classical to the next level. It always made/makes me angry that they didn't give him any support with his music.

I asked cac awhile back about what it meant to him to be a pilot. He replied that pilots are respected. Respect. That's what being a commercial pilot meant to him. Respect. Something that he probably never felt before. Something that even his father, who was never satisfied with anything else he did, would respect. Yes, if cac was a commercial pilot and made it to "the top," his father, and all the other naysayers, would respect him. He'd show 'em where the bear sh!ts in the buckwheat, as his grandpa used to say. And perhaps cac would respect himself. (This is my assumption, anyway.) cac had a talent for flying and had developed an impressive skill set of which he could be proud.

Fast forward to today. Yes, he can fly now. He knows that. He continued to fly his father's plane for many years after his diagnosis. Even if his medical certificate was officially pulled he could still fly with another pilot with medical cert., which would essentially turn cac's pilot's license into a learner's permit. A tough pill to swallow, though, for someone who aspired to fly Navy and commercial and would have done it if not for a cruel twist of fate. GGB said as much yesterday:

Quote:
You are not ultimately responsible for the flight, and when the chips are down you can be sure that I'm going to take the airplane if things start going badly (it is my airplane, and my ticket after all). So yeah, sort of like going on the kiddie ride after being allowed to run the place.


But that is not the whole issue, and not the purpose of the thread, or so I thought. The purpose was to get at the root of the problem, the perceived unhappiness and anger. And I think that the problem is, at least in part, that cac's self-respect was tied to an aviation career that went "poof" that day in Pensacola when the doctor put his stethoscope to cac's chest.