Gah. So sorry you have been juggling so much Whapu. Is this the same job your W wanted you to quit last spring?
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We sat and talked (when we could) about where we are at. It was good in the sense that I didnt hold anything back and just said what I felt without any personal attacks or demands. I told her how frustrating it is to still have the little one sleep with us EVERY night, how everything we do is for the children without any consideration to ourselves, how I need to resolve a lot of issues within myself.
I think it's important to get these things off your chest, and you need to be able to do this with your W. You tend to hold everything in until you feel like exploding (right?), so good job on opening up to her.
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I am not happy with myself in any way, any fashion. I am at a crossroads in my life where I need to make dramatic changes and receive some sort of clarity.
It's a big thing to understand that the responsibility for your happiness lies in you.
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you get out of anything what you put it in...I think I need to put more in apparently in everything
This is certainly true, but you can't pour in what you don't have. Quality is more important (mostly) than quantity. You're tired. You feel lost, and you don't know how to get your head and arms wrapped around the ever-growing mountain of responsibilities. Gosh, that sounds bleak. I guess I should get to my point. :P
I am a little bit fearful that what I'm about to say will sound really dumb, so if you don't like it, you can forget it.
The mountain is always there. It's always big, and we're all tired. Circumstances change, habits can change, but the mountain is there for all of us to climb. The difference between feeling overwhelmed/loaded down and peaceful/capable is attitude.
It's choosing to look at everything around you right now, today, and feel gratitude for them. Pick out some really ridiculous things to be grateful for, things that make you smile like a pair of new (or clean!) socks or the fact that your car starts this morning or that little smile on your toddler's face just before he melts down.
The glass will always be half-empty or half-full. There will always be more to do than time to do it. There will always be others making demands of your time and energy. The answers can only come from your choice to look at what makes you feel joy, no matter how small. This doesn't require more time to figure out. It doesn't require physical activity. All you have to do is notice the thoughts in your head that make you feel overwhelmed and muddled...and then look away from them to things that make you feel calm, successful, valued, joyful.
You are accomplishing a lot every day. Focus on that instead of what isn't getting done. FYI, this pep-talk is for me too: onward and upward to conquer the labors of the day! I'll be back later with the most off the wall thing I can find to be grateful for. Just see if you can trump me!
