I've been separated for going on two months... typical story from what I've been reading... my H came home froma five week summer job training out of town having an EA/PA. Falling in love and all. could be MLC. asked for a divorce right off the bat. tried to deny the affair. Has been acting irrational, often cruel and has become a total stranger.
We have started counseling (with Michele!. we've been to one session. It was great. He's willing to go back, but remains firm on his course of destruction for our family. Married 10 yrs M 93 H 38 S 16 (mine) D 4 I am heart broken and searaching each day to behave in a proper fashion.
Wow you are 93? You've really pulled yourself a young buck there...sorry, I like to find humor where I can. Unless you really are 93.
Anyhoo, welcome to the club. Are you a reader? I wasn't until my married life passed before my eyes and I heard a pop. The pop was my head emerging from my a$$.
I'll probably never get to sit through a live session or even a phone consult with DB, must have been eye opening; funds just aren't there. I'd be worth every penny but the kids have to eat.
I'm sure you know the changes start with you. As with any relationship you both are responsible for your 100%. You can't change him but you can change the way he looks at you; by changing you.
May I assume you've read the DB book, if not do? I'd also like to suggest two others: How to heal a painful relationship and if necessary part as friends and The 5 Love Languages (LL).
The first of the two I read before I knew of DBing; it set me firmly on the path. The second taught me about my LL then how to discover my W's. My W and I are making progress toward healing and fixing and these books had a lot to do with that from my perspective.
I'll tell you the hardest part of all this DBing is patience. My W was a near WAW; so it's going to take her time to find her way back to me, but she's trying (and I know it). Your case will be similar. I've said this before and I'll say it again, "this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I pray it will be the most rewarding".
Good luck DBing; keep us posted.
Me36 W34 M13 K B10 B12 Bomb 06/07 Near WAW Me EA over W EA/PA over, contact with OM ended 08/07 W had to decide OM or Me; Still at home
she prob means they married in 1993, I doubt she had a child at 87.
I also went to C as soon as we separated. My H was prob just humoring me or something, he wouldn't cooperate, was quiet, didnt' answer questions. This is called the "anger" stage, they are angry at you and blame you for all, he needs at least a month or two to work the anger out of his system. This are the hardest first months of S. Keep to the DB book, don't be needy nor seem desperate, tell him you agree that you both need time. Whenever you see him, be the kind of wife he could be coming home to.
Dont' loose hope, focus on yourself and fill your time with activities to renew your spirit. You can do it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have to give a BIG SECOND to the angry stage. My H was deadset on D, he couldn't see past the anger he had let build up for literally years. Everything was my fault and at one point he said he could forgive certain things, but just couldn't forget. Patience is huge. I finally asked him one day what made him change his mind and decide to stay and he simply said "because I love you" and I had continually heard the I love you as a person and the mother of my children, but that's it. He had to get past the anger before he could think straight. The fact that he was willing to D and do that to our boys was mind-boggling to me -- he had to get back into a somewhat normal frame of mind to begin healing and accepting that we could get past our issues and work on making our M better than it had been.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm 39 not 93!! I could just cry having this support. I have friends and all, but they aren't going through this; so they just don't know what to do.
One of the really hard things (as if it all isn't hard) is my H won't admit to any love for me at all. It is so hard on my soul to hear that- even if others tell me (or I tell myself) that I know that's not true.
My kids are really beginning to show signs of suffering right now, and it just makes the burden seem so much bigger.
As for me, thankfully, I love my work, and I am a martial artist so I do have activities for me. It is hard each day to get up and go do them, but I try my best. succeed a lot fail some, too. Same with how I repsond around my H.
I don't even know how I should behave... I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels most of the time. Thanks for the book suggestions. I am almost throught the D Remedy book by Michele.
We all get that, our Ss denying they EVER loved us, my H told me our M was a sham for years and never was happy (much, much later on he admited he was happy). This is not him talking, it is anger, resentment, built up tension, he wants to peg his unhappiness on someone, and the closest person is you. Though you guys might've had the tipical M troubles and both of you prob needed to make some changes and treat each other better you are the wipping pole for now, he's too angry to remember being happy with you, and I bet he was.
As for the kids, try not to cry in front of them, dont' knowwhat they know now but the little one only needs to know that daddy needs to rest and be away for a while, the older one doesn't need to know all the gruesome details, it' s prob hard enought for her to see you suffer. Have your good cry alone and let it out, then get on out there and enjoy those kids, I know that my kids were my driving force in the morning to put a smile on my face when otherwise I'd be sulking in bed.
Right now you are the only responsible parent they got, your H is in la-land right now, so the kids are counting on you, you are their pillar.
Back then (2yrs ago) I told my H that I understood he needed time and he all of a sudden relax a bit, wasn't as angry and didn't seem as negative with me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Reading DR will help a lot. I used to read, reread and reread it (and write helpful reminders in my dayplanner!). Also read the threads on this site. There's a huge amount of very helpful information here and lots of great people too.
Your situation is like a boilerplate. They all seem to say and do the same things. I remember my husband being in that angry phase as you described. It was like an alien invaded his body! Anyhow, detach, give space and validate what you husband says so there's less chance of argument. If he says, "I don't love you and our marriage has been terrible," say, "Yes, I hear what you're saying." Even if you don't fully agree don't argue. Just agree or confirm that you are listening to his words. This will help defuse him. It may take time to do this. They can hold onto anger for a long time, but just try to be calm, and friend-like. Think of yourself as being with a crazy person (a toddler!) who cannot reason so you need to stay calm and detached. Try to avoid relationship talk and if possible create positive interactions. Do a lot of listening.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I heard over & over "I only love you as a person and the mother of my children and that's it." I said bullsh*t. Stubborn redhead that I am
I know how much it hurts though. It's absolutely unbelievable at times, I know.
Hang in there. Show him the woman he married and still truly loves and the woman he would never want to leave. Do it for yourself -- figure out what changes you could be making that are positive for you. As hard as it is, no R talk, it will just push him away.
I know reading & reading threads around here helped me a lot.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you all SO much for replying. I am really sad right now, but this is all helping. I was actually looking forward to being around my H tonight just so I could implement some of this stuff. Acting as if is starting to get just a tiny bit easier, but is quite challenging for me. Patience is not a virtue I have a lot of... And I am still so sad when he walks out the door, and has barely even said good night! He came to spend some time with our little girl. I was making some dinner which he shared with me- that made me feel good, though sometimes it doesn't, when I know I just give and give and it feels like I'm giving to a bottomless, thankless pit... It felt all right just to offer since I was getting ready to eat- not begging for an opportunity to spend time together.
We have our second counseling session with Michele tomorrow. I hope it is a good one, and that he'll keep going with me!
He won't even really look at me which is jarring in and of itself!
