There's a lot going on in this thread that is really resonating with me right now. Lil your description of how a "stranger" might act around you at a party is exactly the way H acts.
RJ: your H and mine might be twins.
When he married me, he saw someone who could lead the way...until I didn't. (in my case the didn't was when I s8 was born, suddenly I was in mummy mode after 9 years of being in wife mode)
he got something out of thinking himself the martyr ( even though he was the one having the A). And that is very much his mother...the martyr. And it's weird, because as the betrayed spouse, I don't feel martyr-like, when maybe I should...it's just not my personality. ditto
He still is the martyr. I forgave him the A and we moved on. In the meantime he has said the odd thing here and there which makes me feel like thinks he was entitled to act out that way. He still thinks it was all my fault and none of his fault. Or maybe 50/50 between me and OW.
Like Karen I am currently in wait and see mode. Yes I know what happens when I do that. Nothing. But you DO get sick and tired of always being the initiator. Always feeling like the needy one. Being the one-down in the relationship. So I say to myself - I don't need this, I'm fine on my own, I have my friends I have a life I don't need to keep begging for sex. If I step back a little and get out of poor me mode I can see that H has got a lot on his mind right now. Our financial situation isn't great for one thing, also he is turning 40 on Friday and adamantly refuses to have ANY kind of party or celebration or even acknowledgement of it. So I guess he is finding it tough to face.
BTW call out to the Type 4s - how should I deal with H's refusal to acknowledge his birthday? Should I override it and celebrate anyway because I think I know what will happen if I go with what he's saying and ignore it.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
