maybe I spent too much time on that other mb where they actually celebrate it, and drum-off anyone who dissents.
I don't think anyone here feels that way.
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just wanted to add, I tried Karen's strategy of "not bothering, just to see what would happen". got about the same results
That hasn't always been her strategy... after all, she DID just have a baby, and it came from SOMEWHERE. It has been her strategy recently.
Re gayness
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I think the sentiment is probably accurate. "if there was ever any question in your mind...that's your answer".
I wonder about this. I used to wonder if I was an alcoholic because I drank A LOT every single day-- alone. The high point of my day was that first glass of wine from a 1.5 liter bottle that I usually finished by myself in a day or two. I'd read those questionnaires "are you an alcoholic?" and I couldn't get a definitive answer for myself.
Now, having lived with a bonafide alcoholic, I can say I wasn't. I know what the real thing looks like. Some people just drink a lot at given times and in given circumstances. Now I don't drink at all and it's no hardship, I don't miss it, it doesn't appeal to me. (I just wish I could have all those calories back.)
So wondering if you're gay... I don't know. I think the definitive thing is not whether you ever got a little buzz from seeing or reading about a sexual act involving someone of your gender, but whether you feel driven to have sex with someone of your gender to the exclusion of the opposite sex.
(BTW, being "bi" is certainly a legitimate variation.)
Oh my goodness, Dom. Are you familiar with karen's story from the last few years? From what you wrote, I'm guessing not. Don't draw conclusions from what she has posted recently. There's a whole lot of history here...
nope, i'm not familiar with it. I just read her posts from this thread.
But sometimes, that can be an advantage. A certain person I've posted to a lot recently (cough) let a very looong history, get in the way of better relations with her husband. It is a not-too-uncommon phenomenon, it would seem, for dwelling on "history", to get in the way of a good "present". (to put it in "DB" terms... starting with a "beginner's mind", and all that)
Reguardless of history, seems like Karen is engaged in behaviour that is destructive to her own happiness in her marriage.
If she's posting here, then shouldnt she be interested in identifying, and then stopping, that sort of behaviour?
Last edited by Dom R; 09/24/0711:37 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Let’s say you go out on a date with a guy for the first time. You two hardly know each other. You go to a party given my mutual friends. He doesn’t know what you like to drink. He doesn’t know you have a weakness for New York Cheesecake. He doesn’t know that you love to hear football stories, AND a rehash of last night’s episode of Leno. So being with him is like being with a stranger, because he is a stranger. He doesn’t stand with his arm around you or signal you with his eyes that he’s ready to go.
BUT after dating this guy for years, AND possibly marrying him, when you go to a party, he still doesn’t put his arm around you. He stands around talking football and Leno and ignores you. He honestly doesn’t seem to register that Look from you that says you’re ready to go. It’s like you haven’t built up any common ground. Well, that’s too categorical a way of putting it… there’s some common ground, but it’s still a lot like being out with someone you’ve just met, instead of someone who supposedly knows you well.
This might be a bit of a pointless hijack but I have talked to GP for about 10 hours now about relationships. He used an example much like the one you describe above to explain how he thinks conflict resolution should happen in a relationship. He said his expectation would be that if we were at a party and anything he did made me uncomfortable, I should just tell him right away and he would say "Baby, I'm sorry you're upset and I promise you we will discuss and resolve this issue as soon as we leave the party so you just relax and let's have a good time." and then he would live up to his promise and discuss the issue as soon as we hit the car until it was resolved in a manner that left neither of us feeling like the "loser" so we could go to bed not angry - lol. (Yes, I am apparently already in an imaginary relationship with a man I haven't even kissed. He's pretty much worked out all the details. I just have to show up in high heels. It's quite relaxing.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Karen, I kind of got lost in all the "gay" talk that was going on. Does you H not respond to any flirtation from you at all?....or, is it that you have not given any signals to "come get me big boy"? Honey, if you've got the desire.....just go for it. Don't think of it as a "pity screw" and besides, if he should reject you....that will tell you there is a very serious problem and it will give you an open door to approach him and say, "Ok, we need to talk about you seeing a C".
Take it from one who doesn't have the desire to flirt or have sex with her H. I know it must be scary to think he may give some flimsy excuse not to ML to you, but I think if you got the HD......go for it and see what happens. This waiting game is "death" to the M. At least, it may get something moving....either him...or going to a C.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
He said his expectation would be that if we were at a party and anything he did made me uncomfortable, I should just tell him right away and he would say "Baby, I'm sorry you're upset and I promise you we will discuss and resolve this issue as soon as we leave the party so you just relax and let's have a good time." and then he would live up to his promise
There's a lot going on in this thread that is really resonating with me right now. Lil your description of how a "stranger" might act around you at a party is exactly the way H acts.
RJ: your H and mine might be twins.
When he married me, he saw someone who could lead the way...until I didn't. (in my case the didn't was when I s8 was born, suddenly I was in mummy mode after 9 years of being in wife mode)
he got something out of thinking himself the martyr ( even though he was the one having the A). And that is very much his mother...the martyr. And it's weird, because as the betrayed spouse, I don't feel martyr-like, when maybe I should...it's just not my personality. ditto
He still is the martyr. I forgave him the A and we moved on. In the meantime he has said the odd thing here and there which makes me feel like thinks he was entitled to act out that way. He still thinks it was all my fault and none of his fault. Or maybe 50/50 between me and OW.
Like Karen I am currently in wait and see mode. Yes I know what happens when I do that. Nothing. But you DO get sick and tired of always being the initiator. Always feeling like the needy one. Being the one-down in the relationship. So I say to myself - I don't need this, I'm fine on my own, I have my friends I have a life I don't need to keep begging for sex. If I step back a little and get out of poor me mode I can see that H has got a lot on his mind right now. Our financial situation isn't great for one thing, also he is turning 40 on Friday and adamantly refuses to have ANY kind of party or celebration or even acknowledgement of it. So I guess he is finding it tough to face.
BTW call out to the Type 4s - how should I deal with H's refusal to acknowledge his birthday? Should I override it and celebrate anyway because I think I know what will happen if I go with what he's saying and ignore it.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
(Yes, I am apparently already in an imaginary relationship with a man I haven't even kissed. He's pretty much worked out all the details. I just have to show up in high heels. It's quite relaxing.)
Do you remember a recent comment you made... I think to Blackfoot, where you said... "Yes, I want to be in love again. I just haven't worked out the details yet."
Our financial situation isn't great for one thing, also he is turning 40 on Friday and adamantly refuses to have ANY kind of party or celebration or even acknowledgement of it. So I guess he is finding it tough to face.
Let the kids do their thing for him at home. Maybe give him a private gift later in bed. Sometimes 40 can be quite overwhelming to some people.
Do you remember a recent comment you made... I think to Blackfoot, where you said... "Yes, I want to be in love again. I just haven't worked out the details yet."
Lol- Well, I'm not "in love" with GP yet. However, I am growing rather fond of him and, of course, getting the usual chase-induced ego-gratification though hopefully a mature self-aware version. The current situation is kind of funny because it's like GP is both the HD and the LD members of the relationship and I'm just kind of curious to see who will win and when.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
