Now I've done it... again

[mkultra]

Re H and OW eating habits: When you mentioned your H trying to get the OW to try vegetarianism, it pulled my trigger because my H gave up meat for his OW and that peeved me to no end. I know it is healthier and better for the environment, plus the benefits of avoiding the ethical issues of slaughtering animals, but it just peeved me that he makes any lifestyle choices with someone I consider a stranger!!! Every time he takes my kids out to eat, my D6 gives me a full report on what her Daddy eats because it has become noticeable that," Daddy doesn't eat animals for his girlfriend because she loves animals!"
I reply, "What did you eat?"
D6, "Spaghetti and meatballs!"

[SallyM]

I read that, mk, and thought of you and your sitation.

you have watched coupling, right, mk? I think of you whenever I see the scene where jane brings her vegetarian therapist to dinner and starts carving up the lamb, baaaa-ing. lol.

neph, I don't know what to tell you about the flood of spam. more likely you just got on a list.

[nephartiti]

Breakthrough in therapy today:

The reason I accept blame for H's affair is because it allows me to justify wanting to hold on and fix the marriage. Why else would I accept so much abuse and still want to spend my life with this man.

Of course this is not the only reason. I also take my vows and commitment seriously. I realize that, even with D, we will still have to work out many of our issues for the sake of the children. We will always have to deal with eachother. The more people (new spouses) involved, the more complicated things get. I want my life as simple as possible. The most important-I want my kids to have the family they deserve. That's why, if he came to me tommorrow and said he wanted to come home b/c he missed the kids, I would accept it. It would be enough for me, as long as OW was out of the picture, I could work a lifetime to make myself a part of that package for my kids sake.

No contact from H today except there was a paypal withdrawal, even after I let him know the account was empty. Luckily, I had deposited a little cushion, but still. I'm irked.

[LL44]

He is really struggling for money, huh? I am so glad you took what you needed before this mess.

That is so true, about accepting blame on the A. I try to see it as I don't accept ANY blame on the actual A, but I will take blame (probably more than I should) for what led up to it. I can actually understand now how H got there, just can't understand why he let it happen. I don't think he can even understand that.

Have a good day.

[mkultra]

That is a very insightful breakthrough we can all learnfrom so thank you for sharing. I think it is important that you stay focused on thoughts of forgiveness and reconciliation. The big picture. The long run is that we all want happy intact families. Of course. That may take work, patience, trust, forgiveness, and sacrafice.

Boy, no one mentioed that in premarital counseling. They really should tell you how to deal with this before it happens because if it is this common then there are a lot of myths about marriage rolling around..

I am sorry about that money. Separation shows how fast money can fall through cracks. What do you get, who will pay for that, where will we get the money for this. Before every thing came into a pot and you did what you needd to do. Now it gets all political about how to spend each dollar.

[nephartiti]

lwb, I wouldn't say shopping on ebay is struggling for money, but I know he's going to need gas, food, etc. Actually, I was thinking about those big withdrawals last week. On Saturday I gave him his mail. In there (I snooped ) was a bill from the city for $134.00 for booking fees when he was arrested. That would explain the $140.00 withdrawal, anyway. I don't know if he took care of that bill, but I can try to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.

MK,

There should definitely be a discusion of these things as basic protocal before marriage. The Five Love Languages would be a good mandatory text. Then, maybe we could avoid all this mess.

I've been thinking about things, trying to understand where he's coming from. I realized something, I have experienced almost every role of infidelity. Here comes a confession. Sit down and try not to hate me. Many years ago, when I was young and stupid, I had a brief affair with an older married man. Now, looking back, I was stupid and he was clearly taking advantage of my naivete, but I still knew it wasn't right. Somehow, I justified that it was ok, because he always complained about his wife, how unhappy he was, how she was paranoid and nagging him all the time. Poor guy couldn't do anything without her looking over his shoulder (he was a repeat cheater). So now I have been the WAS, (although not married and there was no OP), the OW, and the LBS. Now I understand that man's W. I feel so horrible for what I helped put her through. I know that, as the OW, I tried desperately to hold on to him, to "win" him over. It was sick. At some point I realized it was craziness. It got so insane trying to hide and lie. She found out. He denied it. She tracked down who I was, somehow, and confronted me in an e-mail. You know what? I was afraid of her! She didn't threaten me. She didn't have to. The fear came from my knowledge that I had done something horribly wrong to this person and that I deserved to have the crap kicked out of me. Of course, at the time, I convinced myself I was scared because she was crazy! Then he called and told me that his wife wanted him to call with her there. He would be calling me and I was to deny everything, to answer all questions as if we were just friends. Do you see how much effort goes into this? I was going to lie for him, but they never called. I was scared enough of her (for him and myself) to not pursue him any longer.

Karma is a b!$^h, but the lessons learned from introspection are invaluable. I was hesitant to share this story because, frankly, I am ashamed. However, I felt the insight was worth sharing. Hopefully at least something good comes from my mistakes. Sometimes the OW isn't a mean conniving whore. Sometimes she just gets caught up in something because she is insecure and, well, stupid. They don't know what they are getting into. I have never been a cheating spouse, but I have a feeling, they didn't know what they were getting into either. It starts as just a little flirtation because you are sad and lonely and it feels good. Then it just snowballs and you are caught in an avalanche.

____

H sent a TM today asking for pics of the kids. I think this is the first time he has initiated contact. I figured pics of the kids were a doable thing. He did, after all, say please. Afterwards, he sent a Thank You TM too. It's not roses, but at least it's amicable contact.

[nephartiti]

There was a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw a sheriff's badge. My heart stopped and my stomach turned. I thought I was being served. Thank God they were just running a background check on one of my residents who applied to be a sheriff's deputy. Counting my blessings. Things could be worse.

[SallyM]

dear god, neph, I would have had a heart attack on the spot. although I don't think sherrifs are the ones to deliver divorce papers. still, I would have freaked.

[mkultra]

Neph, no one should hate you for being the OW when youwere young. I just told my good friend last night that I do not even blame my H's OW for her role in this affair. I am sure every side has their own story. It is extremely difficult when children are involved but our roles are quite typical, yes? The nagging wife, the disrespected aging husband, the younger naive OP, the small children. C'mon it is all so Lifetime Television mini series! I understand the Walk Away Wife Syndrome is quite predicatable also, alonh with the wayward husband. The ammunition we have is Divorce Remedy. And I am glad we are here for each other for this forum. I can see that the glass is half full and no matter what happens I am so glad to have someone who understands what it is like. Thank you for your insight into being the OW. I was alos once the OP and did not know until I was not invited to my "boyfreind's" birthday party. I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to meet the family and friends because the real girlfriend was there in my place. Ouch.

[LL44]

Oh my gosh, I gasped just reading your post. Phew!