new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Thank you Ewe, Goodguy, the goodfight and forrest gump.

I am really very sad and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to make it up to him short of waiting for him to see the changes. I have always been about instant gratification and unfortuneately I know he is going to mkae me wait. I know he says it was 18 months plus the 5 I have been gone he sufferred. I have the feeling that I am going to be made to suffer for close to that. I just feel that it is not fair in terms of he knows how it feels, why would he want to do this to me. If he does not want me back then say it and I will mourn and get over it.

He just keeps saying he does not know. he wanted me to go to C so badly but wont even entertain the idea now. How is he even going to see the changes I am making when we hardly talk and dont hang out or really 'see' each other.

I am going to end my friendship becuase I know it is detrimental but is it fair that he will continue his? and i know he will.

I am so sad and frustrated. I am past the whole breaking down and crying though. I am positive and I ma making these changes for me (as well as for my family, I hope)

I hate the uncertainty and the not knowing. It hurts.

He made the changes. Was happy and positive and I saw it and that is also part of what brought me back, aside from the epiphany I had once out on my own. I wonder if he will even be willing to allow himself to see my changes.

I cant imagine how good we could be once we really understand ourselves and have such a high level of respect fo rthe other. It coudl be so good. Open communication, respect, understanding.....all the good stuff we lost over time.

[dadtotwo]

littlebitlost..Glad you are here and seeking some advice and support. I must agree that your post is very enlightening since many of us here have a WAS. What I am trying to understand is whether you shut down and made the choice to not love your H?

All I know is that a W wants a H she can depend on and be there for her. Yet, you have indicated that your H was always there for you and then you felt the need to leave!! Why not go to IC first before making such a drastic move and hurting the man who seems to have been a "giver".

I could only wish that my W wanted to make things work as much as you do but our sitch's are all different. Your need for independence has come at a great price to the H that loved you. You need to be patient and give him the opportunity to get to a place where he can decide where his heart belongs.

I know firsthand the pain he was experiencing. Being a LBS is so emotionally hurtful and at some point we just learn to accept the pain and go numb. He may or may not choose to give your M another try. I hope that he will really think about it because your marriage may turn out to be stronger if he was to try it again.

You have a unique opportunity to be seeing your M from both a WAW and a LBS(sort of). Consider this viewing to be a gift that will teach you more lessons about yourself and your M than you will learn in a lifetime.

[Gone Dancin']

I just feel that it is not fair in terms of he knows how it feels, why would he want to do this to me.

I'm sorry, but I see this to be relatively hypocritical. Was it fair that you left him to begin with? Was it fair that you started an EA? You are talking like he's hurting you emotionally on purpose. You both have an equal share of the blame in where you're currently at. Life is hard and we are dealt difficult hands to play from time to time in our lives -- how will you play your hand? You simply cannot be judging him and pointing fingers just because you're hurting. I know you're hurting, but he hurt (and likely is still hurting) too.

I am going to end my friendship becuase I know it is detrimental but is it fair that he will continue his?

It's not about whether it is "fair" or not. You have no control over his choices -- only your own. If you want him back as bad as you say you do, it should be a no-brainer that you need to end your EA if you want any chance at all. If you truly want him back, you should really care less about the fairness of it all. You should only care about what you need to do to make it right and have the best possible chance for reconciliation on your end. It isn't a competition. Your actions will help to influence his choices, and if he sees you end this EA for good, you can't say that he will continue his EA/PA too. You just don't know that, and making assumptions about what he will do will get you nowhere fast. You have to be confident and do what is right from your end, and simply hope that, in due time, your H will follow suit. You must get out of the funk of self pity and get strong for you and your M. Make the choice today!

Okay, so I gave you a few 2x4's just now, but I'm only doing it because I don't think you're taking enough responsibility for where you're at and what YOU have to do. I want you to succeed, but it has to start with you being strong and fixing things on YOUR end. I tend to like the coaching analogy for what I'm doing: when your coach is riding your $ss and getting on you for making mistakes, that's a good thing. It's when you continue making mistakes and he ignores you that you know you're in trouble, because that tells you he's given up on you.

GD

[littlebitlost]

ah markyb I know now how he felt. All I can say is that i was honestly very confused and now believe that there may have been some post partum depression as well as a very good friend of ours who kept pointing out to me how unhappy I was. He was my best friend of 10 years...before I even dated my H. They became very close and H and I have talked about the fact that that was a keep your enemies closer scenario as apparently he figured that H and I woudl break up and he could slide in there. How wrong he was. I have nto spoken to him in about 9 months.

I am referred to on the board we share as the WAS turned LBS. My H finds that very amusing and thinks its bunk. Says he is still the LBS.

I know that it will take alot of time to get his trust back and I am willing to do what ever it takes. He is just so cold to me now that seeing any future with him in terms of M seems unrealistic. He cant even hug me without being stiff.

I love him so much. i want to work towards us being 'in love' again. We have to do it together. I know I cant make him 'see' by telling him and showing is sooooo slow. Things take time...this I know.

[littlebitlost]

I appreciate the 2x4's gonedancing....honestly I do. Sometimes I am selfish!!

[Forrest Gump]

I am sorry I cannot post that much tonight. I really wanted to get into this one. Am I the only one that feels they are missing part of the story. Littlebitlost If I am just call me out on it. I just really have this nagging felling I am missing something.

[littlebitlost]

I dont know what you think you are missing. The story is really long. If there is something you want to ask....go ahead. I have nothing to lose by spilling the beans.

His history (being raised by grandparents, no father, mother dies when he is 18 and was very sick all his life = abandonment issues) very giving , caring, to a fault. People have always walked all over him.

He feels I have commitment issues from our relationship right down to hobbies I have taken up in the past.

2 great kids.

I will answer openly and honestly.

[GoodGuy]

Lost,
Gone Dancin' hit the nail on the head. Re-read his post, then read it again until it has sunk in deeply. It is not a competition, you did start all of this for whatever reasons. I have some selfish issues of my own, and it is very obvious you do too.
Leave him alone, let him miss you, he feels like the LBS because he is! He would have carried on in the marriage with you forever, you jumped ship and he is afraid to get back onboard with you, give it time, be very nice to him, kind, no pressure, no questions, look your best, go to the gym, eat sensibly, do something different, change your hair style, wear a dress, you get the idea. He may take notice, he will miss the good times, the OW is new, she will show her other side, believe me.

Time does make it easier, we are all here for you, as you feel better, you will start to help others who hurt more than you, it's a cycle we all go through, but it will get better.
Good luck.

[littlebitlost]

Thanks goodguy. Please do not mistake my words for someone who does not take FULL resposibility for where I sit right now. I do. I made all the wrong choices and now I am going crazy trying to fix it.

I do want to point out that the last year was bad so I am not sure what he is gong to miss. THe bad times overshadow the good times in a big way now. He says he cannot remember a time that was good. How bad is that? God I cant imagine. I only look for the good memories and he is soooo stuck on the bad ones.

I wasnt saying I deserve anything but I would not wish the way I am feeling now on my worst enemy so what I was saying about how could he do this to me, I meant....he knows how much it hurts so if he does not want tthe marriage then end it...I dont want to play this game. It is too painful and he knows that. He has been here.


THere was some lawyer stuff today I wil talk about later....brutal. i asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said if he did he would have filed by now. What the hell? He does not want to work on us...no effort, no counselling....what does he want. Does he think he will suddenly fall in love iwth me again without any interaction other than picking up the kids? I dont see him anywhere socially. We dont do anything together. I dont understand how this is supposed to happen.

He says he still has a lot of work to do. I dont know why he thinks he has to do it alone. Does he realize he will never stop learning about himself and workin gon himself

He also said today that the last time I got scared...I ran....How does he knwo I wont do it again. I have dealt with alot of my fears. I dont run from them, I face them. I face them determined and with drive I never knew I had.

I wish I could make him understand that I will never run again!

[GoodGuy]

Lost,
My W hasn't filed for D either. We have been separated (she moved out) for 3 months, plus 5 more months living in separate bedrooms and very distant. I came here and read, I read Micheles books, I asked questions, I felt desparate, I didn't know how I could go on without her. Here I sit after 5 months still missing my wife very much. I have joint custody of my 10 year old son, so I don't see him for days at a time, I am financially in a bind because I bought her out of the house and split all assets. Pretty grim huh? But she has not filed for divorce, I hang onto that, and you should too.
But, having said that, I was told by the good people here to GAL (Get A Life), so I did. I work out with weights 5 days a week and I look great, I play hockey and coach my sons football team, I work fulltime of course and take care of my house and all that goes with it, and I feel better. My wife might never come back, and if she doesn't I can now say it was her loss. But if I tried to tell myself that 3 months ago, I would have said I will be depressed forever. You need to work on yourself, I know it seems like such an empty suggestion right now, but do it anyway.
Find a fun thing you enjoy, work out, whatever.
Time will ease up on your pain, but don't give up, just be a nice, kind person, do a 180!