Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey SD,

Yes, I read DB and DR as soon as my situation happened. I have the PMA (not real good), the GAL, and I try to pe positive, supportive, affirmative, listen, validate, and all that. I try not to pursue her, but that is so hard for me. I try not to snoop, but when she stays out all night, I get insecure and start calling and demanding answers. Not exactly a 180 for me as I am a controlling husband who did not listen to her and now I am paying a price.

So tell me, what exactly is the benefit here of which you speak? As I understand, you are going to file for the D, correct? I am not sure what the benefit is there, I am missing something obviously!

Again, I am sorry about your sit. Our prediciments are remarkably similiar. There is another guy (Atlas) who has a wife that went cookoo. I think the three of us are in the running for craziest wife! Hang in there, brother. I try not to loose hope. I really want my W to straighten out and come back to reality. I love her, my family, our marriage and I want nothing but improvement, peace, harmony, and to fix the broken parts. I am DB'ing for the long haul.

Best,
--Chris

[SuperDad]

So tell me, what exactly is the benefit here of which you speak? As I understand, you are going to file for the D, correct? I am not sure what the benefit is there, I am missing something obviously!

The benefit (to me personally) is that I was going through life on auto-pilot, taking everything for granted and not really appreciating what I have. When she dropped the bomb, I was "given" the freedom to do whatever I wanted. This meant a lot of soul-searching, reading, counselling, etc. But after 6 months of it, I really am hitting my stride.

Maybe the most important thing I figured out is that my W's depression/negative attitude has been a huge drag on me. With her off in her own world, I have focussed 100% of my energy on me and my kids.

I am in better shape than anytime since I graduated college and am about to do my first triathlon in 20 years. I started playing my violin again (stopped when I was 15!) and my S8 is learning too. My career is still doing great and in fact I have turned down numerous offers in the time since they would all involve moving which is not really an option in the middle of all this!

I also have spent way more time alone with the kids than previously. We have been going on day trips together as well as on longer vacations.

Concerning the Big D. No I have not filed (yet). Two weekends ago, I gave her a choice: (a) work on our R or (b) work on a D. So far she has not said which way she is going, but my guess is (b). She will take a trip home to see her siblings (and to see OM) in early October. I expect to hear her decision after this trip. To be honest, I have mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, I do not believe that divorce is the solution to marital problems. On the other hand, I am having a lot more fun without her than we ever did together.

I am glad you still feel so much love for your wife. I don't feel that at all right now, only some pity/compassion that she is so lost, mixed in with a bit of revulsion over her actions. Most of the time, I don't even think about her at all.

Not sure if that answers your question, but hopefully you understand where I am coming from a bit better anyway!

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD,

OK, that does make sense. I see that you are happier (and perhaps healthier) so thoseare indeed benefits. From my perspective, I am neither happier or healthier without my W. I do hope she comes around, but it is not looking likely.

Best,
--Chris

[SuperDad]

OK, that does make sense. I see that you are happier (and perhaps healthier) so thoseare indeed benefits. From my perspective, I am neither happier or healthier without my W. I do hope she comes around, but it is not looking likely.

Chris,
This may sound a bit harsh, but I think most here will agree with it:

YOU are in charge of your happiness. Once you realize this and start acting upon it:

1. You will be happier (OK, circular logic, but true.)
2. You will be more attractive to other people (including your W and all the other women out there).

I read a great book called "Awakening at Midlife" by Kathleen Brehony. I think you could get a lot out of it. One of the things she recommends when looking for your "Path with Heart" is to ask two questions:

1. What did I love to do when I was 10 years old?
2. What would I do if I won the lottery?

The answers to these questions can point you in the direction of a meaningful 2nd half of life.

You have been awakened by your W's actions. Now is you chance to realign yourself to the path that will make you happy (or better yet, fulfilled). Once you find this path, you just may look back and see your W running down it yelling, "Chris, Chris, wait for me, I want to come too!!"

If not, then you will still be going down the right path for you.

SD.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Sound advice indeed. I am sure most would agree with it. I try hard to be happy, PMA, all of that. The truth is, I have been thrust into a situation that I hate. I am forced to be a single dad, My family went from a great, happy marriage and life to this craptacular mess. I know that my actions are resonsible for the WAW condition. I am really hoping she gives me a second chance once the aliens release her mind.

I try not to focus on her much. She is spinning out of her mind. She does not know what she wants (i.e., divorce versus reconcilliation) so we are all in a state of limbo. I think the unknown is the worst.

--Chris

[SuperDad]

I try not to focus on her much. She is spinning out of her mind. She does not know what she wants (i.e., divorce versus reconcilliation) so we are all in a state of limbo. I think the unknown is the worst.

Whilst she is in a state of limbo, you are not!!! At least not if you don't let her state of mind dictate your life.

What do you want out of life?

What would you be doing if your W disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow?......DO THAT!

OK, there are some limitations to what you can do, but I bet much less than you think.

In my sitch, the only thing that I am limited by right now is taking a job out of the city I currently live in and dating other women. Both of these are actually self imposed. Other than that, I can pursue all of my dreams. Actually much better now than before the bomb since I don't let her control me the way she used to!

Also, The Unknown is not the worst. Think about it, you live in the greatest, richest country there ever was at the peak of it's power and glory. You live with unfettered access to your kids... Need I go on? You (and I) have it better than we deserve in MANY, MANY ways. We just need to count our blessings more often and focus less on the negative!

Cliffy often advises to write a list of the things you have to be thankful for. Try it, I bet it will make you feel better!

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

Well, vacation is OK. This is the first time in 8 years I have taken a vacation with just the children and no W. I sure do miss her. She is still being crazy on myspace and going out to the bars still; just spinning out of control. Oh well, nothing I can do but try to ignore it. When we talk on the phone she is nice one day and then mean to me the next. I really don't get it, but I think she feels guilty for her behavior and takes it out on me. Time, patience, and understanding is all I can offer.

The kids are having a lot of fun. We are doing lots of stuff like zoo, go karts, pizza, fishing, and museums!

SD: You are right in many respects. I have much to be thankful for and much to appreciate. I do count my blessings and thank God for many things. Having said that, the thing I want the most is to put my family back together. That is what I pray for every day.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

Back from vacation so I can update a little more often. I think the time apart was good for W and I. She is a little more tolerant and easy to communicate with. However, as soon as we get together she does become quite angry and abrasive quickly.

The good news is that she is wanting to stay home more. She talked to her "friend" and decided she was partying too much and not being with her kids enough. I think this is progress. She still advises me not to push her or pressure her.

So, I set some goals to be back in the house. I have been there and that is good. I wish we could have one day of not fighting, but she is quite angry with me still. I am hoping that time and patience will pay off with respect to her anger.

She will not go to a C as she feels that is a waste of time and money and that "people should fix their own problems." I do not want to pressure her, only let her know that the option is on the table if she wants it.

All in all, we are not in a good place, but better than before. I don't think she wants a divorce but she threatens every day with one. I think she is as tired of our S as I am.

I am doing OK. I spend lots of time with the kids and try to do my own thing. W let me know her problems with me and I try to address them and just be aware of myself and what I say.

--Chris

[oldtimer]

Chris,

Are you going to a C? You can always go alone, after all.

[Heimlich]

Chris,
Takes two to fight. Drop the rope.
BD