I was almost a WAW (and still am-- in my heart?)

[sandi2]

The one question that came to mind was, when you were having the EA, were you feeling better physically as well? I remember something about you feeling really good about yourself that one day, walking out to the mailbox or something? Did you seem to have more energy more almost "will to live," etc. Could you at least try to put that same energy into your H? Or is that completely gone?

That last question is almost the very thing my D asked me when she told me she found the IM on the computer between me and the OM.

Yes, I did have more energy, but as everyone on the board tells me, it was those "chemicals" that was deceiving me. Maybe I would have been out of a "flare" from the fibromyalgia anyway....who knows? But, as soon as I made up my mind to stay with my H and get rid of the OM....the flare returned.

I know how I must sound to everyone on the board. I sound like I am just not trying and if I would only put a little effort into my M then it would all be fine. I wished it was that easy. I wished I could think of a word picture or something to compare it to....but right now I can't. To fight the physical problems is about more than I can deal with and some days I just don't think I can handle much more. Yesterday was such an awful day. I have been sick the past two week-ends straight and the people at church that depend on me for certain jobs have been let down b/c I wasn't there to do my job. That depresses me and drains the energy even more. I try to talk to myself and tell myself that I can't help being sick and to stop beating myself to death, but somehow I seem to do it anyway.

I have said this before, but apparently nobody believes me.....I want to have a good R with my H. I'm just so tired and feel so crappy that I can't get motivated. I have no energy to do anything. How can life have much meaning when it takes all you've got to just try to make it through the work day?

Maybe it was "false chemicals" or whatever that was happening to me during the EA with OM. Whatever it was, it worked and now I don't even have that. I'm not saying that it was right! I'm just saying I had something then that I can't seem to get now.

I reading Michelle's SSM book and she says to "do it anyway". That is so very, very hard for me. My H knows me so well and he would know instantly if my heart was not in it. I don't think he would do it (have sex). I have already told about that in past thread.

Anyway, thanks for showing you care. As you can tell, I'm not on top of the world today. I feel rotten and just trying to hang in here. I appreciate you talking to me.