What is reasonable and what is not?

[JAK58]

SO2,

My suggestion would be to not answer his texts or calls for a time.

Let him wonder what you are thinking.

As far as the perason in your phone is concerned, if he had looked more at it he would have seen that it was old(before you two atarted talking again). He has no right to even bring the person up to you and get mad givin the circumstances.

Stay dark for a while. Right now he is trying to cake-eat still and it should stop!

JAK

[Startingover2]

I just had my counseling appointment...good timing.

I told her the situation and she honestly felt that if I don't put up some boundaries that I will stick with that this will continue to be a disaster. That exh will stroll in and out of my life, do whatever he pleases, be a parent when he wants and the rest be a spoiled frat boy.

We talked about my fears and why I am not able to stick with my boundaries. Came to the conclusion that I get scared that I will be alone and that he won't choose me so I feel that 80% of him is better than none and I back down. She said I have put him in the most powerful place and that I am leaving it all up to him to make the decision.

Even if he came back and said he was sorry and would do better I cannot believe him anymore...how many times has he said he wouldn't contact OW? Many. My trust for him has been blown and he should be standing on his head trying to rebuild. But he's not.....still cake eating.

Thanks again for letting me vent....I do check here all the time for your advice and support.

[cpolk]

SO2,
If I may; I'd like to suggest a book I read 'Healling a Painful Relationship and If Necessary Part As Friends'. Within this book are some suggestions on how to 'release' him. I may have already suggested this read to you not sure; to lazy to search your thread.

I did worlds for me; it was my first read before I knew of DBing. Helped as much as the DBing book. Just helped in a different direction. I think I had to pick it up from Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Keep pressing forward; we've no time to get bogged down. If they want to keep us they'll keep up.

[Startingover2]

Hes texting and apologizing for drinking so much and texing with that woman. He said he knows he ruined a great weekend.

So what now? How do I get him to see I am serious? I told him to keep in mind that these other people have nothing to lose when they contact and don't really care that we do. Nothing or nobody is worth putting my family at risk.

I want to believe he is sorry. I want to believe he has changed...but it only lasts until the next time.

I did hear about that book and plan to go to Barnes and Noble when I go to town later this week. I love those kinds of books.

[cpolk]

SO2,
Sounds like you've got some thinkin' to do.

I suppose you can look at it one of two ways. 1. you continue on with the highs and lows of the roller coaster that you are on; going for a few days then slumping over and over. 2. distance yourself until he figures out what he's doing; that initial emptiness will pass then you'll be back on an even keel until he figures it out.

I guess it just depends on how much BS you are able to stomach in the name of reconcilling.

[JAK58]

[/quote]
He said he knows he ruined a great weekend. [quote]

SO2,

A great weekend, what about the whole R? Your C is right he is cake-eating and will keep doing it if he is allowed.

Time to Feel the Fear and do it anyway. That is set the boundry.

May I suggest that you tell him that he has choices to make. That you won't force him to do anything he doesn't want but , as long as he is contacting Ow's then you have made your choice also. No contact with you. that you want him but, not as things are now and, that you can live without him and be happy.

Something to that effect.

Your C sounded good from what you have said. Did you like your C?

How much and what kind of contact has there been since the Ow incident?

You really need to decide for you what you are willing to put up with as far as Xh's antics go. Your getting there, remember detach, and take care of you and your children.

JAK

[JAK58]

How do you gat him to see you are serious?

SET THOSE BOUNDRIES AND STICK TO EM!!!!!!!!!

JAK

[cat03]

Go dark, honestly, if he really wants to work it out with you he'll try to win you back and cut all ties with other women, if not, you haven't loss much, you dont' deserve this kind of treatment.

[runningoutoftime]

SO2,

I'm curious why his first marriage ended...

I agree with others here who have written that since you are divorced, you probably shouldn't be having sex with him. There really is no commitment whatsoever and I wouldn't expect one from him until he gives you a ring and sets a date.

I don't know how helpful it is to set boundries when there is no committment. Also, it seems like you keep trying to set them and he keeps ignoring them or bending them. He says he wants a family, but he's not acting like he wants one. If he did he'd marry you tomorrow.

If I were you I wouldn't pursue whatsoever, I'd create a great family, a wonderful place to be, I'd be cordial and friends with him (for the baby's sake), but I wouldn't expect or ask anything from him. And I'd create my own distance to work on me, GAL GAL GAL!!!! It's okay to give a hug and a kiss on the cheek (especially in front of OW!), but I'd think of him more as a friend than anything else.

Create a great family, create a wonderful place to be, create a woman any man would want to be married to, and hopefully he'll eventually be smart enough to realize he'd be an idiot not to embrace you and this great family he could have. And if he's not smart enough, well.... some other guy may eventually come along who does understand this and wisks his family away.

[Startingover2]

Thanks so much for the replies. I think I have mentioned it before but I cannot tell my friends IRL about this. The only one that knows is my counselor. My friends already think I am crazy for even talking to my exh after the hell he has put me through in the past year. I just smile and say things are working how they should.

I don't know if I am just exhausted mentally from all of this, but I didn't sleep last night and woke up not feeling well. Normally I would load up on Nyquil and go back to bed, but can't take much being pregnant.

Had some texts back and forth with exh...nothing R related. He did come over for a bit last night and I was so tired and starting not to feel well that I had him leave after about an hour. It was akward. Like we didn't know what to say to eachother.

Call me strange...but yesterday I overheard someone talking about OW's father and how they found that his cancer is really bad and not much hope. For a few seconds I almost felt sympathy for her. Why? My own father died of cancer 22 years ago and know the pain, but why would I care about a woman who is trying to mess with my R? It did really hit me and made me feel for her......under normal circumstances I would have maybe reached out to her, but not now that she is involved with my exh.

I will continue to go dark on exh. Let him call me, etc. I just at times feel so bad for this child we are bringing into the world. I want to do whatever I can to insure a great life for him/her (we find out next week). In a perfect world exh and I would be married again and welcome this child into the world in an intact family. I really am fearful of joint custody with an infant. My other kids were much older when my first exh and I split up and there was no emotion left anyway.

That is another strange thing I think about......this is my second marriage. I was married to my first ex for 13 years but by the time we split up there was no feelings or emotions or even anger. He is now actually a great friend to me. Easiest divorce ever. This divorce with exh after only one year has been so painful and agonizing. Go figure.