FLTC: from Iraq

[built4speed]

Hey, thanks for the post on my thread. Hope you are doing well. Very proud to know someone doing their duty for us. I do truly appreciate it. I'm glad I don't have to do it.

You asked what ex-Ws issue was. Well, it's along story but it goes something like this: W grew up in a family with poverty, alcoholism, severe (institutional-level) mental illness, divorce and general cluelessness about rearing children. She did remarkably well getting out of there, very successful in school, very athletic. Got an MBA, had a good job when I met her. We dated for two years, got married. I figured two smart people could work out anything. I had no concept of the way emotions interact with and govern behaviors. My C says it's 90% of the story and I was paying 0% of my attention to it. So, it's not just her.

She married me because I was stable, solid, smart, a good provider and (did I say) stable. I didn't drink to excess, roll my car, hit her, yell at her, or any of the myriad other negative behaviors she was used to. I was her rock. And I was emotionally unaware (think Mr. Spock), which, after her crazy family, fit her perfectly.

But I was not her passion. I was more like a roommate - with benefits. We had three kids, but sex was a constant problem - getting her going was problematic, but once she was going it was fine. The start up was the issue. It was extremely frustrating, and caused bad behaviors in me, like passive-agressiveness, and general loveless actions (if she didn't take care of me, I'm not taking care of her, etc). I couldn't figure it out - she married me, but didn't want to have sex with me. I guessed it was just the typical long-term marriage issue.

It got to the point where she rarely would agree to it unless we drank. I'm an engineer, it doesn't take me long to figure out correlations. So, if that's what it takes, fine. Nothing to excess, just a glass of wine or two - she even called our second our "wine club baby".

So, one night we went to friends, and I had a couple of glasses, she had a few more than that. She was pretty drunk, and when we got home I asked for sex, nothing different than the 50 times before - she agreed. Next morning, she asked if we'd had sex. I'm like, well, yeah, you were there. She says she has no memory of it, so I must have raped her!!! I didn't know what to say. Unfortunately, I was leaving 10 minutes later to take one of the boys to church camp: no phone, no electric, no contact for six days. She was so sick she crawled to the bathroom for two days (but what happened was all my fault: her black-out drinking had no contribution to the issue). By the time I got back, the fantasy in her head had been gelling for a week, and no amount of discussion would convince her that anything but the worst possible scenario had occurred. Even though she had no memory of the events, that was the only conclusion she would consider.

People put their own experiences into their interpretation of life. I chose someone who would always assume the worst, about people, situations, life. Given where she came from, not unreasonable. But what caused me to choose someone so different from me - and so f'ed up? I ignored the emotional side, and went for someone who fit all my requirements at the time, obviously missing a crucial variable. So I picked someone who, in a situation where she basically had to trust me, could not. The person I should have had would have said something like, "Well, I have no memory of it, but you're the love of my life and I trust that you would never do something terrible, so your story must be correct." Instead I got, "You bastard, how could you do this to me???", ignoring 18 years of never laying a hand on her, of taking care of her, of providing for the family, her parents, being the best father she'd ever seen (her words), etc.

Perhaps it was she had decided that with no passion, she just wanted out, and that event gave her the opening. After that, she never once tried to work out the issue, just slowly pushed the whole family off the D cliff. It took three years.

And the truly ironic part of this: so she trusts me so little that we can't stay married, but as we redo our wills after the D, guess who is going to be her trustee? Yep, me. Her quote: "You're the most trustworthy and reliable person I know." Just makes me sick to my stomach, what she did to the family.

I ran into a mutual friend recently who said exW never looks happy, and that his and others interactions with her have become, well, he just said she acts a bit off. I was "her rock" for the last 22 years, and now she gets to try it on her own.

As I get farther away, I notice a few things. I noticed that I was forced to close down a part of myself with her, because when we would fight, she had no concept of restraint: every weapon was available and used. She would be as mean as possible to gain an advantage. My parents, my problems, my faults, my dreams - all up for attack. So I found myself via self-preservation holding back emotionally. I'm sure that didn't help. But I need someone who knows there are things you don't bring up, that are off-limits. With her nothing was. And the always-picking-the-worst-scenario was finally too much for the R. Unfortunately, she has done nothing to address that, and is doomed to repeat it. It won't be with me.

So, that's todays rant. Sorry for the hi-jack. But you asked .