Listen to Nomo. Obsessing about OM and worrying about the effects of that R on your R isn't going to help. The OM truly is not the source of your problems. What will give you a chance to get closer is for you to let go of the M so that she has freedom to figure out what she wants.
As for the level of A, the deal is you are no longer in a committed monogomous R, whether or not the A is going on or not or in what fashion it is if it is. (have fun parsing that sentence...)
You can't control that you are no longer in a committed monogomous R. It is a brute fact. You have a choice in how to respond to that fact: deny it, yet obsess about it, and drive yourself crazy and W farther away OR refuse any non-business contact until that fact changes OR DB for a set period of time and then reasses your options (recommended) OR file for D OR get a private eye to take snapshot of them together and send them to her email list OR.........
I'm sure you can come up with lots of other scenarios. The point is your choice about what to do right now is in your control. Focus on that.
As for reconcilliation and OM, pretty much any M saved on these boards happens on the other side of an A. I think the chances are pretty darn slim that you could reconcile without it being on the other side of W renewing her A to some level.
So, if you really want to save your M, the best thing to do, again, is to accept the facts, OWN your choices so you don't feel like a victim, and decide your W's involvement with any OM at this point in time is of no more concern to you than my neighbor's dating habits. It is up to you to either accept the risk of continuing to DB FOR YOUR OWN reasons or not.
