I think you should get a tattoo of that reminder not to bring up OM -- LOL!
Good job on taking on the bday invite responsibilities. Well done lad! Also, great job validating about not calling before going to the house.
Regarding OM...
You're right -- she'll call him or she won't. Let go of thinking you can help the sitch by confronting her with it or even mentioning it. You know by now it only makes her uncomfortable and causes her to associate you with negative feelings. I'm posting the current sitch with W's BF soon on my thread, so if you want to see how the R's with OP's just need to run their course without you getting involved, come over and read up.
Hope your Saints get it together tonight -- I'll be dancing, but I'm Tivoing it and watching it when I'm done.
So, let me guess. You are scared OM is coming over to the house and that is why she reacted as she did about you going over there. Thus, you bring up OM because you are scared.
If that is accurate: (1) Very likely OM is coming over to the house, (2) if OM is coming over to the house, W will almost certainly lie about it if you ask her and she certainly will not volunteer the information, (3) your nosing around and heightening her feelings of guilt over it will bring them closer together and cause her to avoid you and intensify her negative feelings toward you.
Why not just operate from the assumption that her A is in full gear, a PA, and she is pretty excited about it right now? Then, you can stop worrying about it. Assume the worst so you don't have to obsess about it. Then, settle in to DB or not.
Why not just operate from the assumption that her A is in full gear, a PA, and she is pretty excited about it right now? Then, you can stop worrying about it. Assume the worst so you don't have to obsess about it. Then, settle in to DB or not.
I happen to disagree with this. No reason to give yourself false despair more than false hope. I'd say just accept that you can't control it, and try to focus on what you can control. It might be full blown. It might not. Doesn't matter much. You can't control your W or OM. Only Heim.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I'm actually more scared of emotional involvement than physical involvement. Whether he's at the house or not is irrelevant (they work together, so opportunity to see each other is ample if she wants it), she spent significant amounts of time on the phone with him recently, that's whats got my panties in a bunch. Scared doesn't encompass it. Borderline terrified does (not living my life in a huddled, cringing blob on the floor though). It stinks because were she not speaking to him, I've a good feeling we'd be able to get closer and I wouldn't have made all those damn mistakes the last few weeks.
Wasn't snooping, was just getting my stuff. Plus, she's too smart to leave a pack of condoms somewhere were I to decide to look through a drawer or something.
If the A is in full gear, and it may be, I'd just like to know the truth so I could deal with what is. If she was/is seeing him, knowing what I know about my role in making her feel as she does, I'm pretty sure I'd be OK (I understand why she talked to him over the summer, until June, I was suffering cranial-rectal inversion). However, if she is seeing him, I really don't see a chance for us. Regardless, I just do my best not to think about it, one way or the other, and just interact with her like I want to. As you've said, she's asked for space and I'm doing my best to give it to her.
She did say, and I've a feeling how you will regard this statement, that "I've got nothing to hide. I just thought we had agreed that you would call before going to the house." She said that she was worried that someone had gotten inside, and with the two girls and herself, was a little scared.
We were honest with each other for a long time, it's reflex to want to believe what she's saying.
Anyway.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
It stinks because were she not speaking to him, I've a good feeling we'd be able to get closer . . .
FWIW, this is not always true. I believe now that OM has been irrelevent in my sitch for quite some time. And yet my W is no closer to working on it than she was before. And I wasted lots of time, emotion and mental energy worrying about him and them.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Listen to Nomo. Obsessing about OM and worrying about the effects of that R on your R isn't going to help. The OM truly is not the source of your problems. What will give you a chance to get closer is for you to let go of the M so that she has freedom to figure out what she wants.
As for the level of A, the deal is you are no longer in a committed monogomous R, whether or not the A is going on or not or in what fashion it is if it is. (have fun parsing that sentence...)
You can't control that you are no longer in a committed monogomous R. It is a brute fact. You have a choice in how to respond to that fact: deny it, yet obsess about it, and drive yourself crazy and W farther away OR refuse any non-business contact until that fact changes OR DB for a set period of time and then reasses your options (recommended) OR file for D OR get a private eye to take snapshot of them together and send them to her email list OR.........
I'm sure you can come up with lots of other scenarios. The point is your choice about what to do right now is in your control. Focus on that.
As for reconcilliation and OM, pretty much any M saved on these boards happens on the other side of an A. I think the chances are pretty darn slim that you could reconcile without it being on the other side of W renewing her A to some level.
So, if you really want to save your M, the best thing to do, again, is to accept the facts, OWN your choices so you don't feel like a victim, and decide your W's involvement with any OM at this point in time is of no more concern to you than my neighbor's dating habits. It is up to you to either accept the risk of continuing to DB FOR YOUR OWN reasons or not.
