Catch 22 of Epic Proportions?

[mkultra]

You can DB. You must DB.

You may have a professional problem but marriage and divorce is made up of financial ties so I do not see how DB principles will not work unless you find letting go of control is a 180 that is beyond your power. If your R is the priority then the business is second no matter what. Let go of control or use a mediator for professional communication. If that seems too much of a conflict, let it go. If you divorce the business is lost anyways.

Many of us in DB land have financial binds with our spouses. That is the nature of legal marriages. We accrue equity, life insurance, tax breaks, college funds, retirement, together as a unit. I have heard of divorces being busted just based on these financial issues alone!

I feel your pain. My H was to take over our family business this year along with another house. He had trained for takeover for two years. It becomes an extremely codependent R when you co-own a family business. I am now taking over his previous job in this business. This is not what I went to college for!!

You are right. DB ing is a Catch 22 because something always feels like a sacrafice, like a lose/lose. But it is not. You must let go of a lot of control and have no expectations. In the long run, if you save your marriage whatever you sacrafice would have been lost in a divorce so why not roll up your sleeves and switch gears. Some people may have to do real 180's, like move or downsize, give up a certain lifestyle, do soul searching. I am sure she does want to lose the business either but sometimes codependency is like an addiction and we think we cannot live without something that is actually hurting us.

I know my H's role in our family business was one of the driving forces behind our separation. He felt like a slave to the business with no real say in how it was run. He was surrounded by people who he did not respect. The hours kept us apart most days. Plus, his affair was started at the business. People dissatisfied in their work place may find an emotional attachment to someone at work who "Understands them" better.

Be supportive of her 100%. I am sure she does care about you. She just needs to know you respect her and her role. Agree with everything she says. Practice parrot listening. Show her that you trust and value her work. Do it.