Could be both. She is searching to see if the world of singledome is all its cracked up to be. In a strange sort of way this is good, she just may be searching. Get to work on you! WHo is the person you want to be? Your goal is to improve yourself, for yourself and with luck you will pull her back in. Kinda like a magnet.
just got back from our c session. not good at all. in first 5 minutes, she says shes in a totally different place than me and wants to end it all right now. she has been feeling this way for a long time and it cant be changed. the whole session was talking about divorce, what to do with the kids, etc. what a joke. I am so pissed.
Yes, seek a different therapist, although at this point she might not be game for that.
Before you even see a counselor you should make sure to talk to them on the phone for a few minutes. The question you need to ask is 'What do you see your role as being when one spouse does not want to work on the relationship, and at what point do you feel it is your job to recommend they both give up?'
If they say anything other than 'my job is to facilate improving the relationship and work with whichever partner is willing to make changes, and not to recommend divorce. That is up to a couple to decide.', keep looking.
I wish there was a list, it'd be great if this site had a list of counselors who subscribed to the ideas here, but I know of no such list...
Really all you can do is look up every marriage counselor you can find and call them up, tell them your wife has given up but you wish to save your marriage and ask them what their approach would be. Many will tell you that there's not point if your wife is not willing to work on the relationship. When you find the one that says that your best bet is to meet with them and work on what changes you can make to help draw her back, go see that person. And honestly, if your wife wants out, individual counseling is your best bet. I can't imagine anything good can come from joint counseling until she is at a point where she's at least willing to reconsider her decision...
This thing isnt coming back. I have decided to go ahead and move on with my life. I dont think I could wait for an MLC to end. Her thinking is totally irrational from normal. I love her but I cant drop myself into this state anymore. I have mentally convinced myself that this is over. My entire focus now is myself and my kids. I'll do everything I can for them.
I love her but I cant drop myself into this state anymore. I have mentally convinced myself that this is over. My entire focus now is myself and my kids. I'll do everything I can for them.
you just contradicted yourself. you are NOT doing "everything you can for them".
Get a grip on yourself. Calm down. Dont allow yourself to go to extremes. "I GOTTA FIX THIS RIGHT NOW!!!" is an extreme So is, "I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I'M BAILING OUT!!!"
Do something/get something nice for your wife's birthday. Something that doesnt require spending a lot of time with you, but something that shows that you definately care about her still.
Hold on to this thought: You are lucky, compared to many others. Your wife has talked a lot about divorce, but:
she hasnt filed
you are still living together
she isnt dating anyone
get a grip on yourself, calm down, and understand that the only way it is "all over" at this point, is if you just give up.
Dont be a coward. Stick to your marriage vows, and learn about what you can do (and NOT do) now.
know this: being separated/divorced, is the worst possible thing you will likely ever do against your kids. It will scar their current life, and their future relationships, forever.
Do not just give up on your children.
Last edited by Dom R; 09/24/0705:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Lots of people here have heard the exact same words you are hearing now. My wife also did everything you are describing. BTW, connecting with ones friends is not necessarily a bad thing. I found that after the bomb dropped, and to this day, to an extend, I am hyper-sensitive to many things my wife does. Might you have said, pre-bomb, hey, she's getting in touch with her friends...good for her.
Your wife might want to just get out of the house and away from the pressure cooker of you and the kids. She might want to FEEL single for a while. She may want to vent to her friends. My wife drank herself silly a few times and got nasty. They are hurting. They will do things they don't even understand. For now try to chill out, fix you where you can and wait and see what happens. Try not to stir the pot. Get and read The Divorce Remedy.
Stop pursueing, pushing, and lay low. Be pleasant and present, but not overbearing. Be the best father to your kids you can. With regards to your moving out, try NOT to make statements like "you will not leave and NEITHER WILL THE KIDS". That will just turn things into a pissing contest. There are different theories on leave/do not leave. I am not sure which is best. Being advesarial with your spouse is bad in all cases. Next time she brings up. Perhaps ask her for time to think about it or tell her she could leave if she wishes.
DON'T SNOOP. I got busted snooping. I learned a lot, what I learned caused so much stress I didn't sleep for months and I am still paying for the snooping. The violation that my snooping represents to her is now perhaps #2 on her list of issues with me. DON'T SNOOP! You will make yourself crazy. You will have to live with what you learn or confront her. Lose/Lose
Best of luck. You will probably endure much suckage but DB can work.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
O.K...so I'll get my wife a nice gift. this is what I want to do.
here's some latest updated info. We had a very nice dinner together last Thur. We talked about things we have never talked about before. We came home to our house, she slept in different room. In middle of night, she snuck into bed with me. Held my hand, cuddled, said she couldnt sleep. She even told me I'm stressing her out because I'm finally giving her everything she's asked for, but it's too late. She has also said 'why would you even love me?' Friday she had friends over and wanted me away. It was rough. I came home around 11:30 and she was in my bed in my slot waiting for me. yes...it was good, I was shocked at all this. In the morning she said it was to satisfy her needs and thats all it was. I dont believe it because shs never really had huge apetite for sex. Sat she really withdrew and was cold. She went to a work party by herself on Sat night, got so stressed, rented a hotel room watched tv and slept there until 1:30 am and came home bcause she felt bad about being there. Sunday she was really cold. in the morning I asked her how her night was and if 'it was worth it'...she said 'no'. I had assumed she was out drinking and dancing. I think I really baffled her on this question because she emailed me everything she did Sat night. She must have thought thats what I thought. But why clear it up if youre dumping me anyway? I guess the guilt had built. Though she did get mad at me for saying all the stress is chosen and if she took a different point of view of our relationship, it wouldnt be so stressful. She got upset over this and explained to me that I'm not listening to her and that she is 'DONE'....so...she's been pretty 'down' since Sat. We even told our kids about it last night. Of course, that didnt go over too well. I was hoping to delay this forever.
so...I need to do more of whats working and less of what doesnt I guess. what doesnt work is email's. what does seem to work is a nice dinner. not sure how to do more of that. we have another counseling session on Tue. I really dont want to go. It's too rough. Not sure what we can accomplish if she doesnt want to work on anything at all. But, maybe its better to be there than not.
I'll try to lay low, be patient, be very nice. I know the guilt is killing her, but she's so headstrong on her beliefs. I know what they say, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. If you believe her actions, I guess theirs hope. I'm considering writing a long letter. dont know if this is a good idea or not.
