uh...no. "This just in: Generalisimo Francisco Franco is still dead!"
(Corri:) I'm more headed towards "having all your eggs in one basket" as the root cause, rather than the specific pilot thing, but we had to go the 'pilot' route to get to the root.
Since all your eggs were in one basket, and you lost the eggs and the basket... kwis.
yep, thats apparent, in hindsite. didn't seem like that at the time. Didn't seem like there were eggs, OR a basket. There are many routes to that goal, and I had multiple contingency plans. I pursued opportunities in every branch of the military. there are many ways to get their via "civilian" routes, too...money is the big barrier there, but it is "doable", and like I said, I had contingencies. From the time of being a teenager, as a boy scout, to a private pilot, national guardsman, rotc candidate, airforce otc candidate, and eventual naval aviation candidate, I had more people poking at me with stethascopes more often than you can imagine. I was healthy as a horse, as confirmed many, many times over by all sorts of different doctors, for all sorts of different reasons. I'd never been "sickly", nor had anyone else in my family. I knew what all the typical barriers to this goal were, and was prepared to (and did) maneuver around them. "medical" was simply not a likely problem. I mean, sure, you could get run over by a bus, too, but its just not something that many of us worry about, kwim? But then, on top of this, I had other contingency plans, too, that didn't involve flying...but they did involve the military. (oops) But again...not an unfair assumtion that I would be medically qualified, as I was already IN the military, in that capacity. Under "normal" circumstances, I could have opted to do the same job on a full-time basis, at any time. anyway, the point is, I didn't think I had all my eggs in one basket. I had a plan a, plan b, and plan c. and they all got wiped out with a diagnosis of "cardio-what?????"
Every story you tell, every post you make, has that 'feeling' -- to me -- that colors you, your attitude, your life. I'm not saying I am right... it's just what I'm picking up on... seems like when we get close to 'it (the root)' you back out, back away... say, hey, it's okay, my life isn't that bad... I'm dealing... I'm happy, really. yeah, well...what are you supposed to do? sh!t happens. to alot of people. worse sh!t than this. Like I said, I got another path, I'm making the rent. but this thing isn't going to un-happen. it'll always be there.
GGB: CAC, Hang around the local airport...
yeah, yeah, I know I could do that. But you know, thats not really what's missing. I've done the general aviation thing. sure, its fun. but what I wanted (and lost) was to go to the top. I haven't been officially disqualified, but trust me, its "disqualifying". even for class III. and I am aware of the new "sport pilot" rule. there is some promise there. but like I said, its not really whats missing. Cac, with your statement about winning the lottery, it sounds a lot to me like you are making excuses why you can't yeah. damn good excuse, though, as you oughtta know. ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$). Flying is expensive, as are many other avocations (boating and skiing come to mind). understatement of the year, there. oh, and, I don't do those other things, either. It is simply impractical, for 99.999999% of the population.
The other examples of "losses" that have been given are not the same, because, as I stated before, what was lost was something that is known to only last for a limited time. They had something that they loved, but knew far ahead of time that it would end. Nobody spends 40 years flying fighters. Beauty fades. Here's another more common one: Many (most?) women mourn the loss of their fertility at some point, but it is a normal an expected passage. Women who have born multiple children, as many as they ever wanted, and absolutely, positively don't want to have any more, become depressed when they lose the mere ability to have more. But those people all "got to be" whatever it was that defined them, for whatever period it lasted. None of these people were "ripped off". They had a "loss" to mourn, but its a different kind of loss. Or, perhaps you could say that what they had is a "passage".
Cac,
What you wrote above and in the rest of your post was similar to what I've been thinking about with a loss. Feeling like you were "ripped off" must feel different than a "rite of passage."
One of my best friends has Stargartz and was diagnosed as legally blind by 24. So she had to give up her driver's license and by 34 gave up teaching to go on disability. Her H (now XH) did not understand why she "got" depression after going on disability. He thought that she would now be happier since she didn't have the "struggle" of teaching. He was angry that she didn't "appreciate" her time more. What he underestimated was the loss she felt of having teaching "ripped away" from her. (Imagine someone telling you to "appreciate" the fact that you didn't have to do all that work with flying.) It's not normal to have to give up teaching at 34 and the decision also came very quickly - less than 2 months and she had to walk away in the middle of a semester.
She's struggled a bit at first with opening up to people because she thought they would just see her as whining and ungrateful as her XH did. She judges herself fairly harshly (her FOO) as weak and her therapist has used CBT very effectively with her to deal with this. She now notices how she "talks" to herself and is working to change it.
I don't think teaching is like flying but I do think my friend loved teaching as much as you loved flying if that makes sense.
Anyway... all of that to say that I think you are right that it is a different kind of mourning that happens with these different losses. I don't think it's worth debating which is worse. To me it's similar to the mourning at funerals. The loss of a child and the loss of a grandparent can both be tough but the losses definitely feel different and are different.
sure, "how do you top walking on the moon"?
Well Neil Armstrong eventually became a farmer near where I grew up. Those d@mn pesky farmers show up everywhere!
Seriously, a lot of unfair things happen in life and being able to figure out how to deal with them is probably what sets a "happy" person apart from an "unhappy" one. I wish I understood how some people manage to cope better than others!!!!!!! I think a lot of it has to do with eventually feeling some compassion for yourself and understanding that you were dealt an unfair blow and then figuring a way to move forward. I am sure there are many different ways that people follow too.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Well Neil Armstrong eventually became a farmer near where I grew up. LOL! well, he moved to a "farm"...probably mostly for the isolation. don't know how much actual "farming" he's done. (just read his biography recently.) He doesn't like attention, and he can't get away from it. too bad, really.
for many years, he was an engineering prof. at Ohio state.
anyway, it reminds me of something I forgot to work in before. IRT "moving on", and stuff...we are all the sum of our experience. I don't see how any such bad experience can be "un-done". What reminded me of this is that Neil A lost a young child...and it just wrecked him..."colored" his whole life thereafter. People who knew him say that he was never the same again. (and understandably. what an awful, awful, awful thing!).
Just curious. Have you ever asked Mrs. Cac how the two of you might work together for you to save $$$$ to you can fly? She has to know what it means to you. I bet she'd like to know even more. Maybe you could talk about that when you get home from work.
You writing a bit more about all this -- your back ups, etc., leaves me to believe that you actually aren't done with dreaming. Perhaps you are just afraid to... 'hope.'
Perhaps Mrs. Cac will back you up into looking into this sports pilot thing. First step, kwis? If that is feasible... look into the next step. Plot it out. To the dime/time/distance/travel. Start a friggin' 'Cac Pilot Fund.' I'll contribute.
And then go do it. You may have to wait awhile... all kinds of things might come up... but if you see that 'glimmer' in your son's eye... dunno... see what you can do to help him, at least, by not ever giving up yourself. Modeling, kwis?
You've obviously got the discipline. I think maybe you need a bit of faith, some shoving... some prodding... another plan... and maybe lose your fear to hope... that's a big one. I know.
But you're military. Fck it, kwis? Calculated risk and all... (I'm a girl trying to sound like a macho guy and I'm sure I'm failing miserably. I think I need NHS to show up and translate for me...)
LOL! well, he moved to a "farm"...probably mostly for the isolation. don't know how much actual "farming" he's done. (just read his biography recently.) He doesn't like attention, and he can't get away from it. too bad, really.
for many years, he was an engineering prof. at Ohio state.
Wasn't it UC??
Yeah the farmer thing was an exaggeration. He owned land next to us and my dad did talk to him in our driveway a couple of times. Nice guy. What reminded me of this is that Neil A lost a young child...and it just wrecked him..."colored" his whole life thereafter.
I would guess that he would trade walking on the moon in an instant for his child back.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Perhaps Mrs. Cac will back you up into looking into this sports pilot thing. First step, kwis? If that is feasible... its not. perhaps you don't understand just how expensive a pursuit this is. One would have to be extremely wealthy for such a selfish indulgance to not be taking away from the family. anyway, like I said before, that consolation prize wouldn't change anything.
Perhaps Mrs. Cac will back you up into looking into this sports pilot thing. First step, kwis? If that is feasible... its not.
perhaps you don't understand just how expensive a pursuit this is. One would have to be extremely wealthy for such a selfish indulgance to not be taking away from the family. anyway, like I said before, that consolation prize wouldn't change anything.
Ah.... ah... ah.... Bwllsheeeetttttt!!!!!
Scuze me, I sneezed.
What the fck ever, Cac. THIS is the sticking point.
What an azzhole you are being to your entire family with this attitude.... sorry.
What an azzhole you are being to your entire family with this attitude.... sorry.
oh really????
hey, you know what's different during this year's re-hashing vs. last years? my wife is here now! lets ask her!!
Hey honey, tell Corri and the gang that I can have a few thousand bucks/year to go play airplanes. She says it'll solve all my problems!!! I know, J will just have to join the army and go to state-school, but it was good enough for his old man, right??
Perhaps Mrs. Cac will back you up into looking into this sports pilot thing. First step, kwis? If that is feasible... its not.
perhaps you don't understand just how expensive a pursuit this is. One would have to be extremely wealthy for such a selfish indulgance to not be taking away from the family. anyway, like I said before, that consolation prize wouldn't change anything.
Ah.... ah... ah.... Bwllsheeeetttttt!!!!!
Scuze me, I sneezed.
What the fck ever, Cac. THIS is the sticking point.
What an azzhole you are being to your entire family with this attitude.... sorry.
Corri
Ouch. I cringed when I read that last statement. I don't think he's being an azzhole at all! I thought we were supposed be be HELPING him, not attacking!
There are a couple of different things being discussed here. One, is the fact that cac has suffered a huge loss and perhaps has not grieved it so he can move on. He stated to me not too long ago that he would "never get over it." I believe that this is the reason that his world is negatively colored now.
The second topic, whether or not cac could or should pursue flying for which he is medically qualified, is a whole other animal. It will not take the place of the original loss. It could be a potential source of fulfillment in his mid-life and later years, but not if he never gets over the original loss. It will just be a consolation prize. So to even discuss having him fly again is just skirting the problem, IMO. That's putting the cart before the horse.
Now I've gone back and seen cac's latest reply:
hey, you know what's different during this year's re-hashing vs. last years? my wife is here now! lets ask her!!
Hey honey, tell Corri and the gang that I can have a few thousand bucks/year to go play airplanes. She says it'll solve all my problems!!! I know, J will just have to join the army and go to state-school, but it was good enough for his old man, right??
I was not thrilled back in '89-'90 when cac's father was trying to figure out a way for him to fly without the military. It would have cost a lot of $$ and I didn't think it was a risk worth taking. cac knew I felt this way and he agreed. Whether or not he was just placating, I'll never know unless he tells me that. But the situation at the time was that cac had this scary medical condition we didn't know much about, he had been laid off from his job 4 months after his diagnosis, we were living on my not great salary in my grandparents' house where we were both miserable. That was not the future I saw for us. Maybe I was just afraid. I wanted the white picket fence with 2 kids and a dog. I wanted security, not the unknown.
Today, no, we don't have a few thousand dollars to pay for cac to pursue flying. It doesn't mean that we never would, but that we don't have it this year. I'm still a SAHM and S4 is in private preschool. I do plan to go back to work in a couple of years and would be happy to discuss it and try to figure out a way for him to do it, if he wanted to.
