Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

You have made it very clear to him what it is that you need. What he needs to work towards in order for you to be happy and grow with him. What has he done for you SD? How long do you wait for him to give a little bit?

The thing is you can only ask for so long before you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When do you decide that you have done your part and it is not being reciprocated in the appropriate manner?

So I have one question for you SD, what do you want to do now? How much more do you want to take? When does SD get to be loved the way that she deserves to be loved?

Ian

Ah, Ian, I'm not mad at all darling, not mad at all. One of the best things that has come out of DBing for me was the ability to listen to everybody with the aim to try to understand rather than to react and/or get pissy when I don't agree.

I'm glad you're asking these questions; they're the same questions I am asking myself. I am *tired*. Bone tired. And I just don't know how much fight I have in me. Probably this is the last round I'm willing to go...because the truth is, I'm lonely. At a soul level. Yeah, I have companionship, but I want more than that.

I had a talk with H tonight and told him just about what I wrote here tonight. That I'm tired, that I feel like it's not important to him to do what I ask, that he uses excuses. I told him he was free to go if he didn't want to work on giving me what I need or couldn't for whatever reason. I told him I knew I would be okay no matter what, but that I couldn't live in a passionless marriage.

He seemed a little freaked out. Speechless, really. Started with the work stress excuse, but I told him that if I was important, he'd make it important like he does with his other projects and such. He's getting what he wants from me, so it's time for him to step up and do it.

Don't know what the long term will be, but he at least stepped it up for tonight. Bleh. I'm just too tired at this point.

Thanks for chiming in, Ian. Your perspective is always valued.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

If memory serves me right...Michelle even says that at some point the person who has had the A HAS to apologize for it time and time again for true healing to happen. You don't need to carry that burden too SD. That is something he needs to give you in order to be with you in my opinion. He wronged you. What kind of a world are we living in where people who commit wrongs of this magnitude do not need to at least try and make up for them.

Ah...but he didn't actually have an A. He wrote letters he never sent her, bought her little presents, panted after her like a dog, but she never returned his feelings and never overtly knew his. Nothing physical, not even mutual....

Does it hurt? A lot less than it used to. I do realize that when I begin to believe I need someone other than me, I'm lost.

I *am* tossing around the idea of asking him to cease all non-work-related contact with her, i.e. nothing remotely social...no phone calls, no emails, none of that. But I kind of think that's pointless...because it wouldn't be hard to hide it and say you were doing what I asked.

At his core my H is a good man. I know this. That's not to say I'll stay with him if he continues to put me last on his list. Right now I choose to stay....

Thanks again Scotty!

SD

[swashy]

SD, I'm glad you had the talk and put it out there...and that he freaked a bit. I know I wish my W had done that for me years ago. If so, we wouldn't be here right now. Guaranteed. So good for you for really putting it on the line like that.

There has to be some sense in his head that if you stuck with him this far, then you will continue to. But we all know that we stick with our spouses in the hopes of MORE...not more of the same.

As for the EA or whatever you want to call it. I do remember that now that you mentioned it...but whatever. It's where his heart was at that matters. THAT hurts. He hurt you. And if he loves you, he should try and make up for hurting you. As my buddy says, it's not if we screw up because we all do...it is what we do to make up for that. He needs to make up for it. IMHO

Stay strong hun...but stand your ground and demand more out of life.

[inspiredjulie]

At his core my H is a good man. I know this. That's not to say I'll stay with him if he continues to put me last on his list. Right now I choose to stay....

This is good. You are not only aware of your needs, but you've let him know what they are numerous times. And this last time, you've told him you'd set him free if he can't put you in a position of priority. I have to love that. Because your feelings DO matter. Your needs ARE important. And you can't just settle with life. And I really respect that you've chosen to stay right now to give him the chance to make this right, while letting him know, gently, that things have to change.

One thing I've always done was put myself last... behind Xs work, behind the kids, behind whatever else could pull at my X. We deserve better. Our R's will be so much better. This is really great stuff, girl. So keep smilin'. Be gentle to yourself. And don't ever again discount your feelings or needs (I don't think you're in danger of this, just reminding).

[Concerned_Listener]

SDFGirl,
I'm not sure how much your
H's failure to connect with you physically is his unwillingness to try or he doesn't know what to do, and needs guidance. Is he able to connect with you in nonsexual ways? How is your platonic R?

Is the issue a lack of foreplay? He might benefit from sexual instruction DVD's. Would he be willing to look into it?

My W has the same complaint about me that you describe. I went and bought some sexual instruction DVD's that my therapist recommended. Our sexual R has been dormant due to distance in the R, but now that connection is increasing I know that I will have to approach sex differently.

I'm at work, and the DVD's are at home, so I'd have to check the name of the company.

CL

[Jen_Jam]

Hey SD - quick one before I go to bed. I've been through this - check out my post of 9th June in my thread.

I hope Rob checks in soon - he'll likely say your H has backslid, but don't mistake a backslide for a new bomb.

Take care me dear xx

[Rob1231]

Hi SD, The thing that really struck me about your post was this - the bomb is on the other foot now. I think back to when my own W bombed me - and saying "I can't stay in a passionless marriage" was a big part of that bomb. Now, I don't think you are going all MLC on us here, but in many ways, the reversal of roles is very important.

Suppose your H came to this web site and started a thread: My wife and I had some problems during the past year, but I really thought things were getting better, and now BLAMO! And yeah, I admit that I've been preoccupied with work, haven't met her needs, haven't paid enough attention at MC, etc.

It's been said by others, you've grown and changed and now you expect more out of life - and more out of H. He needs to step up to the plate and grow and change himself - sitting back and doing more of the same is not gonna cut it. Playing the same old games is not going to cut it. Assuming SD will forgive and forget again is not going to cut it.

My opinion is that we all, deep down, KNEW there were problems with our M's before the bombs dropped. But people are really good at only seeing what they want to see, and talking themselves into believing everything will work out fine while the train is careening off the tracks. How many people here (you and me included, I think) have said "I am glad this happened?"

Sometimes we have to have a little Fear of God put into us, to shake us out of our ruts and get our butts in gear. Now, I may be totally off base - but I think you are savvy enough to consider this idea and to reject it if it's a bad one. I think, now that you've dropped the bomb, you need to keep the pressure on. It seems like your H has mastered the art of making a token effort and then sliding back into his comfort zone. Don't let him. Make him believe it - this time you really do mean business.

And yes, one of the first things on my "Get your butt in gear" list for him would be to drop all non-work contact with LW. Give me a break - he knows what a big hot button this is for you. Even if she has never been interested in him, and she always has and always would view it as "just friends" - sometimes, you have to make a choice in life. Tell him you expect him to choose you.

The good news is, you can approach the bombing from a more caring and sensitive position than an alien-possessed MLC whack job. You can bomb with the honest intention of hoping it wakes H up and shows him it's time to get some skin in the game. And you can even point the way if he's willing to start down the road to growth and a better relationship.

I really hope he steps up to the plate. (If he doesn't, well, that man is a d@mned fool. You are one in a million.)

[Jen_Jam]

Talk of the sly old devil and he appears

[Rob1231]

Talk of the sly old devil and he appears

Kinda like what my wife calls the "seagull managers" at her office.

Swoops in out of a clear blue sky, craps all over everything, and disappears again.

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Scotty & Julie....

Yeah, I used to sit back and say nothing, just get mad on the inside. I have learned how to calmly ask for what I want and state my opinion. I feel so much stronger now...it's a much happier, calmer, less angry SD post-bomb. I am *so* not the pleaser type either...so it's been good to develop a little of that.

You know, Scott, I don't know if there's anything H can do to "make up" for what he did. I really don't want to punish him or for him to punish himself. However, I do think it's reasonable to expect there to be no socializing. I do think I was trying to be "big" about it and "understanding", like I could handle it because I was so enlightened and all that cr@p, so I haven't stated strongly that I think that's unacceptable. I *did* say I would in no uncertain terms have any contact with her... I've got to say, I am just tired of her dumb @ss.

Julie...one of the benefits of the bomb for me was finally believing I DID matter. I spent so many years hating myself...criticizing myself, judging, focusing on all the things I hated about me. I really like who I am, and I like my personal power. Thanks for reminding me to keep my own best interests first...I truly believe that if I take care of ME, then all will be well.

I've been surprisingly non-emotional through this. It's funny, taking a page from Scott's post on his thread, a year ago I would be on the floor having full-blown panic attacks. This time I've had minor anxiety and managed to work it all out through meditation and exercise. I had a really fantastic day with my students...there is such joy with them.

So, I'm doing well. H is out until later, working late, so I'm going to fix some New Orleans style chipotle shrimp and pour a fine glass of red. Plan what the heck I'm going to do tomorrow in class. Celebrate my life.

Thanks for being so wonderful!!!

SD