Here we go 'round in circles...

[Rob1231]

Hi SD, The thing that really struck me about your post was this - the bomb is on the other foot now. I think back to when my own W bombed me - and saying "I can't stay in a passionless marriage" was a big part of that bomb. Now, I don't think you are going all MLC on us here, but in many ways, the reversal of roles is very important.

Suppose your H came to this web site and started a thread: My wife and I had some problems during the past year, but I really thought things were getting better, and now BLAMO! And yeah, I admit that I've been preoccupied with work, haven't met her needs, haven't paid enough attention at MC, etc.

It's been said by others, you've grown and changed and now you expect more out of life - and more out of H. He needs to step up to the plate and grow and change himself - sitting back and doing more of the same is not gonna cut it. Playing the same old games is not going to cut it. Assuming SD will forgive and forget again is not going to cut it.

My opinion is that we all, deep down, KNEW there were problems with our M's before the bombs dropped. But people are really good at only seeing what they want to see, and talking themselves into believing everything will work out fine while the train is careening off the tracks. How many people here (you and me included, I think) have said "I am glad this happened?"

Sometimes we have to have a little Fear of God put into us, to shake us out of our ruts and get our butts in gear. Now, I may be totally off base - but I think you are savvy enough to consider this idea and to reject it if it's a bad one. I think, now that you've dropped the bomb, you need to keep the pressure on. It seems like your H has mastered the art of making a token effort and then sliding back into his comfort zone. Don't let him. Make him believe it - this time you really do mean business.

And yes, one of the first things on my "Get your butt in gear" list for him would be to drop all non-work contact with LW. Give me a break - he knows what a big hot button this is for you. Even if she has never been interested in him, and she always has and always would view it as "just friends" - sometimes, you have to make a choice in life. Tell him you expect him to choose you.

The good news is, you can approach the bombing from a more caring and sensitive position than an alien-possessed MLC whack job. You can bomb with the honest intention of hoping it wakes H up and shows him it's time to get some skin in the game. And you can even point the way if he's willing to start down the road to growth and a better relationship.

I really hope he steps up to the plate. (If he doesn't, well, that man is a d@mned fool. You are one in a million.)