WAW1978-Part 4

[Nomopo]

Ok, a few more thoughts (in an effort to help). I do not recall all the details/history of your sitch, but I do recall that at one point you hoped us other LBS could help you see where your H might be coming from, and that is my main objective with the some of the comments I am about to make.

Only that I have been asking H for MC for several years to deal with the deep issues we had. I felt like I had not other choice than to leave. Whether to make him see just how badly I was hurting or to force him into dealing with reality. Get his head of the sand. I don't think of this as manipulative. Maybe it is and I just don't recongnize that but as a WAS with an H that had refused to acknowledge out M was trouble I felt this was the only way to get through to him.

I understand all of that.

I am still willing to work on the M but if he is not and he had decided to move on and I have been suffering in a loveless union for years...how much longer should I bail water out of sinking ship? Thats how I feel. I feel like H has abandoned ship and is reaching for the life boat going by. Should I let my self drown or swim to shore and start my own life laying on the beach with coconuts and run?

I've started my own life recently (the next chapter anyway). If my W comes back ever, well we will see where I am. I honestly don't know how I would react. What I do know is I have made every effort to this point to save the M, and to focus on my role on this mess, own it and address it, and my W simply doesn not want to (or cannot) work on the M. So I am moving on with my life. I am stopping the chase, and focusing on me. That doesn't mean I won't be willing to try again if she wants, but I honestly don't know if I will or won't. We will just have to see if and when we ever get to that point. Until then, I am focusing on what I want and need, and on my role as a father.

I guess from the WAS pov if you have an H who just doesn't get it, doesn't seem to want to get it, doesn't want to take any responsibility for how we got here...Its just not very encouraging.

This can be true from the LBS side too. Maybe you are more like an LBS than I wanted to admit before. You are working on it; he is not.

But if I have a spouse that is DATING othe women when he didn't want to date me I feel compelled to chuck the thing in the garbage.

Well, here is one of those comments from his view. Not to justify it, but just to show what he might be thinking/feeling, didn't you want to stop the "dating" between you for a while? Didn't you need time and space away, a break so to speak? I recall a concert where you really didn't want to go with him, and did so reluctantly. And you moved out. I know why you moved out, and even encouraged you to move out. I'm just saying that from his perspective, you don't want to be with him. You don't. So that may be why he is dating.

I can tell you that recently I have started dating. W knows this theoretically, cause I told her, but I don't think she knows any actual details. But in my mind I have justified this because my W doesn't want to be with me (on a date, for fun, with our kids, sexually, anything), she is not attracted to me, she insituted a separation, and she hasn't been willing to work on our M since January. So I eventually said fine, there are LOTS of women very enthused about being with me, and that feels damn good. And it's nice to go to dinner, or a movie, or to sit on a couch and be affectionate, so I am not going to wait around for the rest of my life to see if my WAS wakes up. I'm moving on. His frame of mind might be similar to this, even if all the facts and justifications don't really fit your sitch.

You all might forget I haven't had any "gratification" in years...you can only watch so many movies with British men before one becomes restless.

I can so relate to this. Years for me too. Hence the dating. I am happy with my decision, and happy withg where I am. My ego/PMA are soaring.

I am staring to feel like i am entitled to go shop at Target and head out a pun crawl. I know negative talk but its been a tough few days and really eye opening about where H is heading with his life. Time to start living mine you know?

Not negative. Yes you are entitled. Yes you should start living yours irrespective of what, if anything, H does.

Maybe, as Nomo alludes to, he's doing this out of pain and fear of losing you.

My sentiments exactly -- he's doing it because he has no other control over your choices and emotions. He's doing it in an attempt to win you back. Horrible tactic, of course, but it is definitely getting your attention. I've said this before -- once he sees that this has only pushed you further away or caused you to have more resentment, he may actually hit rock bottom, let go of his pride, and begin taking a hard look at himself. That's my perspective, anyway. Maybe he's moving on, but I seriously doubt it. He's in his angry phase, and will just have to work through it.

Could be an attempt to control. But I actually, really believe it may just be his reaction to the pain of what he feels is rejection. This is how I feel right now. I honestly feel like my W doesn't want to be with me, doesn't see positives any me, doesn't appreciate me, and other women do. So, fine. I can't control her. I can't change her mind. I can only focus on me. And this is fun and feels good. He may be in a similar place mentally, again even if all the facts/detials/history of the sitch don't match up exactly with mine.

Hope it helps. Take care.

Nomo