The other examples of "losses" that have been given are not the same, because, as I stated before, what was lost was something that is known to only last for a limited time. They had something that they loved, but knew far ahead of time that it would end. Nobody spends 40 years flying fighters. Beauty fades. Here's another more common one: Many (most?) women mourn the loss of their fertility at some point, but it is a normal an expected passage. Women who have born multiple children, as many as they ever wanted, and absolutely, positively don't want to have any more, become depressed when they lose the mere ability to have more.
But those people all "got to be" whatever it was that defined them, for whatever period it lasted. None of these people were "ripped off". They had a "loss" to mourn, but its a different kind of loss. Or, perhaps you could say that what they had is a "passage".

Cac,

What you wrote above and in the rest of your post was similar to what I've been thinking about with a loss. Feeling like you were "ripped off" must feel different than a "rite of passage."

One of my best friends has Stargartz and was diagnosed as legally blind by 24. So she had to give up her driver's license and by 34 gave up teaching to go on disability. Her H (now XH) did not understand why she "got" depression after going on disability. He thought that she would now be happier since she didn't have the "struggle" of teaching. He was angry that she didn't "appreciate" her time more. What he underestimated was the loss she felt of having teaching "ripped away" from her. (Imagine someone telling you to "appreciate" the fact that you didn't have to do all that work with flying.) It's not normal to have to give up teaching at 34 and the decision also came very quickly - less than 2 months and she had to walk away in the middle of a semester.

She's struggled a bit at first with opening up to people because she thought they would just see her as whining and ungrateful as her XH did. She judges herself fairly harshly (her FOO) as weak and her therapist has used CBT very effectively with her to deal with this. She now notices how she "talks" to herself and is working to change it.

I don't think teaching is like flying but I do think my friend loved teaching as much as you loved flying if that makes sense.

Anyway... all of that to say that I think you are right that it is a different kind of mourning that happens with these different losses. I don't think it's worth debating which is worse. To me it's similar to the mourning at funerals. The loss of a child and the loss of a grandparent can both be tough but the losses definitely feel different and are different.

sure, "how do you top walking on the moon"?

Well Neil Armstrong eventually became a farmer near where I grew up. Those d@mn pesky farmers show up everywhere!

Seriously, a lot of unfair things happen in life and being able to figure out how to deal with them is probably what sets a "happy" person apart from an "unhappy" one. I wish I understood how some people manage to cope better than others!!!!!!! I think a lot of it has to do with eventually feeling some compassion for yourself and understanding that you were dealt an unfair blow and then figuring a way to move forward. I am sure there are many different ways that people follow too.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus