Dancin' Like Nobody's Watching

[christarn]

I agree with the dating thing....I don't want to date for the pure fact that why drag somebody else into the mess I've already created...and hands down I would go back to my H if I had to choose, so here in lies somebody else getting hurt in the middle of our mess....IMHO you are doing the right thing...plus you have your kids to think of...no need to have them getting more confused. I think you are doing the right thing for your sitch too, your wife sees your changes and she is with someone who she thought was going to be her prince charming...and instead he's a fart in the wind! I'm sure she does compare, and probably beat herself up thinking what have I done...what mess have I gotten myself into...I know I do. Keep stayin strong, dancin the dance, sounds to me like you are on the right track!

[Kelley]

GD,
Glad you are feeling good about things.

I have always thought, the quickest way to break up two people is to have them move in together. There you start to see the real them and all their little habits start to get on your nerves
and the romance quickly fades.

I am wanting to date cuz I really can't see my H ever wanting to work things out but frequently thought that what would happen if I do date and H wants to work things out. I guess I will have to wait and see because I don't know how my feelings would be for H at that time.

[Nomopo]

I can honestly say I do not know what I would do if my W came back to me right now and said she wanted to work on things. If she seemed to be genuine interested in doing the hard work and making the long-term commitment (a BIG if), I would have a tough choice.

[C_K]

GD

I enjoyed reading about how your W's new relationship is working out.
Other than that it seems that you have yourself on track mostly. I agree with Nomo that now your focus needs to be what is right for you.
Dating , I have the feeling that you are nowhere near done with your W yet so it would be counterproductive in my opinion however it can provide a PMA boost , be aware though it could end up with you moving on more quickly and if thats your goal then go for it , if not tread with care.

Dave

[Nomopo]

Dating, [. . .] be aware though it could end up with you moving on more quickly

This is VERY TRUE!! One of the women I have been "dating" wrote this to me moments ago:

You are a gorgeous man!!! You're wife is crazy for letting you go...and I'm sure she will be upset when she does actually lose you and realizes what a great man she had. You're a great catch for any woman and you're sweet, charming, sexy, [Edited], warm, cuddly and a whole lot of fun to be with. I feel very lucky to have met you and [Edited]!! [Edited]

The VIBE is coming from you, [Edited]...feeling sexy after all this time, and looking darn sexy!!! This is only the beginning for you. Only good things are coming your way from here on in. (one of them being ME!) And you deserve it. I can't believe how you could go thru life without being with someone who cares about you, who could care less about your needs and desires. Baby doll, you deserve a lot more than what you've been given the past couple of years and it's time for you to enjoy being a man and feeling desirable. You need to flirt, have beautiful women look and smile at you, build up your confidence and make you feel good!!!

You know what GD? She's right!!! I do deserve more/better. And you know what else? That could have easily been written to you, without a doubt. You deserve more too.

Did we make mistakes in our M/Rs? Absolutely. Have we learned from and atoned for them? You bet we have. Are/were we ready to jump through hoops to make it right, to make it work? Yes we were, and maybe still are. Now, we each have two basic choices - (1) wait some more, because saving our M is still our primary goal and most important to us right now, or (2) move on with our lives realizing that our WAS may never want to be a part of it again (and seeing where things are, without knowing, if they decide to come back). That's a personal choice. For me, now, I am on to number 2.

Nomo

[SunnySeason]

Hi GD,

There's a lot on your post that I've been thinking about lately myself.

being friendly and not showing any pursuit, while simultaneously avoiding anything that might make her angry with me. Like all of us, I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I can do that will draw her toward me and my picnic. However, since I don't, I will just have to try and walk that tight rope and hope that I'm not making any mistakes. I never want her to interpret my kindness or politeness as pursuing, but yet I don't want to come across as negative in any way. It's hard for me to figure out where the middle ground for this is so I can avoid either pitfall.

I agree with Nomo, that if you don't pursue, it works itself out & you don't have to know what she's thinking or if she's attracted to your picnic.

Just them sensing that you're trying to figure them out...trying to say just the right things, will prolly come across as pressure.

I'll email you something that really helped me on this & might give you a good perspective also.

I'll be back tomorrow with some other thoughts I have on the rest of your post when I'm more clear.

As far as the BF, all you needed to do was sit back, relax, & wait for that R to unravel all on it's own. If you had interfered in any way it might have taken much longer.

L&L,

Sunny

[Not Much Left]

Sunny
Can u email to me as well?
U can get my email from Nomo
I would really like to see it

C

[chicki]

Sunny,
Can you post that info here for all who want it? I'd appreaciate it!
C

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks for feedback everyone!

Nomo,

To not show any pursuit, don't pursue. Simple, huh? In other words, worry less about her, whether it looks like pursuit, and whether what you do will make her angry.

You're right, and I know I need to get there. I'm pretty much done believing she's interested in me, but can't seem to completely shake the concern of how I come across. You're right when you say how I come across is only her interpretation, and she will either be right or wrong with that interpretation. I'll do my best to heed your advice and not concern myself with it anymore.

it's easier for you to stop worrying about pitfalls and to figure out what you want for you and what is best for you. Right?

Sadly, however, what I want for me is my W and family still. That's why I worry, I guess -- because making the best communicative decisions regarding W will give me the best chance of eventually reaching that goal of reconciliation. Of course I want it to be natural, but I don't want it to push me further from my goal either. Therefore, it is still a balancing act for me. I do wish that I could just move on and not care anymore, but I do. That's why I've worked so hard and continue to work hard with the way I communicate with her, the space I give her, etc. I guess a better question would be "What do I want and what is best for me if I can't be with my W?" What is the second best option for me...

Again what's best for you? Avoiding dating or dating?

Honestly, my primary reason for dating would be to help me move on. Unfortunately, I would likely be hurting whoever I ended up dating in the process, esp if I found any of the women were getting too attached and I wasn't ready for that. Sadly, there is a girl I've gotten to know through Lindy dancing that I really like. I mean, I like her a lot. I've avoided asking her out on any sort of date because a) I didn't think I was ready for it, and b) I didn't want to make our friendship awkward if it didn't work out or if she declined (fear of rejection sure sucks, doesn't it!). Recently, she has began dating someone from her work, though. I've met him and he seems like a real nice guy, so even if I decided I wanted to date her I won't compete with him for her. He deserves to have a fair chance at making an R with her work. Bottom line, I let enough time pass that my window to ask her out has closed, so I guess I'm not dating anytime soon. There are a few other girls that I know I could date, but I don't feel much of a connection with them. They aren't quite where I am maturity-wise (they are like 19 & 20!). I don't want to date for the sake of dating. I want to date someone who is attractive and who I can enjoy my time with -- THAT is what will help me to move on, I think.

Thanks for the advice, Nomo -- I think about you too and just keep waiting for that new post regarding the last JC session. I'd like to hear where the W is at now, what you have discussed with her, etc. I'm glad you are enjoying the dating experience -- if you are ready to move on then that is a fine place to be. I have no problem with the dating as long as it isn't being used as a manipulative tool to make the spouse jealous.

Sounds like the ladies are after you now, tiger (you lucky dog!)!

christa,

I think you are doing the right thing for your sitch too, your wife sees your changes and she is with someone who she thought was going to be her prince charming...and instead he's a fart in the wind! I'm sure she does compare, and probably beat herself up thinking what have I done...what mess have I gotten myself into

I'm not sure that she's thinking she should've stayed with me, but I'm sure she regrets getting into her current R. I just think there was too much damage done in our R/M for her to regret leaving me. Even with my changes, I think she still has a huge wall up that doesn't allow her to love me. I think it will take a lot longer for that wall to come down, if ever. The only thing I can do is be a good dad, keep my changes permanent, and enjoy my picnic.

I also think her pride has something to do with her decision to come back or not. Even if she wanted to come back, I don't think she can swallow her pride, which obviously means she still has some work to do on herself. Like I said before, she will have to hit rock bottom before such work can really begin -- but I think she's getting closer to this.

Kelley,

I have always thought, the quickest way to break up two people is to have them move in together. There you start to see the real them and all their little habits start to get on your nerves and the romance quickly fades.

Seems to be the truth with my W and her BF. She's stuck with him for now though because she can't financially afford to move out without asking me for help, and unfortunately I'm pretty sure she won't ask for my help with this problem (again, too much pride).

Dave,

Dating , I have the feeling that you are nowhere near done with your W yet so it would be counterproductive in my opinion however it can provide a PMA boost , be aware though it could end up with you moving on more quickly and if thats your goal then go for it , if not tread with care.

That would be my goal for dating -- to move on quicker. I don't want to be in the position I'm in now with her moved on and me dwelling on the hope that she'll somehow have a change of heart, yet not knowing when, if ever, that will happen. I want to be over her so I can move on, and I figure that dating will give me the best chance at getting that jump-started. If I choose to date, I don't want to do so just to have someone else -- I want to date to help me get over my W.

Sunny,

Just them sensing that you're trying to figure them out...trying to say just the right things, will prolly come across as pressure.

This is so true, and I think that's why the "short and sweet" communication when I see her is best. That way, I'm not lingering or fishing for some telltale sign from her -- I'm being polite, but in a completely business-like fashion.

And I do have that Homer McDonald e-book, but I think it would be good to re-read it, as well as DR. Thanks!

As far as the BF, all you needed to do was sit back, relax, & wait for that R to unravel all on it's own. If you had interfered in any way it might have taken much longer.

Exactly! I'm so proud of myself for keeping my tongue and actions in check with this. Just knowing where that R is currently at helps me to avoid bringing it up at all.

I'll be back tomorrow with some other thoughts I have on the rest of your post when I'm more clear.

Can't wait! I always love hearing from you and the good things you always have to say!



Thanks again, everyone!

GD

[Gone Dancin']

Go B.S.U.!!!!! Gonna rock the blue turf against Southern Miss on ESPN tonight! Don't forget to watch, sport's fans!