I can't remember

[Dom R]

Hi Karen,

It's always nice to see a woman on here, who is very open about what she is thinking, where she is emotionally, and what has happened in her marriage.

Seems like to some degree, your lack of sex is largely a problem of your own making.

Comments on the one paragraph you wrote amoungst the longer stuff:

Why don't I let it be known that I would like a good screw? Several reasons (a)we aren't on birth control and need to discuss future procreation - I'm a no and he's a "if it happens it happens", (b)don't want a pity screw and (c)the bigger issues loom larger than my libido right now and (d)I wanted to see what would happen if I just quit trying and here we are.

Sex is a really important part of marriage.
you are doing a whole bunch of things around sex, that in some ways, boil down to you exerting control over your marriage, in negative ways.

yes, discussing how you will deal with a pregnancy is important...but in some ways... that's why people get married! people who arent willing to deal with children, shouldnt be getting married and having sex anyway. (or they should get themselves sterilized).

You claim you arent having sex because you both dont agree on whether or not to have more children, and you're the one who doesnt want more children.

But here's the thing: you have already taken control in that area. You have implemented the "ultimate birth control"; you're not having sex at all. You have taken complete control of that situation now; So claiming to not do it out of respect for your different wishes, is deceitful.

As far as "you wanting to see what would happen".... well, now you know the answer. So what's the problem.
It semi-makes sense as a reason to start an "experiment" to not initiate sex. The experiment is now complete. Time to start having sex again, if that was all it was.

For the "bigger issues" excuse... Come on now. If married people stopped having sex every time there were "big issues" hovering overhead, the birth rate in married couples would probably be close approaching zero.

So, that's 3 out of the 4 "reasons" you gave.
As for the last one: examine the following hypothetical situation:

W: I'm horney. I'd like a good screw
H: Ok dear. Would you like ties with that?
(ya know.. "ties", instead of "fries".... never mind...)

Is this:

a) a considerate husband showing love for his wife
b) a "pity screw"

Answer: what should be the most important to you, is weather(a) is true or not, wouldnt you say?

What the heck is so bad about "pity"? About a husband saying, "I'm sorry that you feel so bad: what can I do to make you feel better" ???

Bottom line: you have sexual needs (presumably). It's your husband's duty to try to fulfil them.
Whether or not he has "issues" to deal with, may or may not be true., But you are chosing to mess up your marriage, by withholding sex.

The irony is that most people who withhold, withhold it from their partner. But you have chosen to withhold it from YOURSELF.

It sounds like maybe you're giving yourself a reason to ditch this marriage, even though you've "decided" not to do that again.
Or that you're having a "pity party" for yourself, even though you are verbally distaining such things


Even if that isnt your intention... it seems like your choices, will directly make you less happy with your marriage.

We have been married 4 yrs, are psychology professionals

It is said that doctors make the worst patients

do think that H is having a sort of MLC.

It's kinda funny you said that, Karen.. because I'm reading some signs of a mini-MLC in you.

• you dont know what you want
• you dont remember what it was like to be happy in your marriage
• you're 40

little things like that, that make me ponder that perhaps you are maybe not going through a "crisis"... but instead, maybe a "mid life re-examination" of yourself?

you started this thread, by mentioning that your husband referencing that he "misses [being with you]"

5 months is a horribly stressful time for parents, last time I remember. maybe he's either being considerate of you (in HIS mind), or just too tired to normally think about initiating.

instead of inventing "reasons" not to have sex...

never mind about RJ feeling like a martyr... How about you try stepping out of your OWN "martyrdom", and go tell your husband that you want to be ----ed like a wild thing, and you want it now dammit

Someone said, that even medeochre sex, is better than no sex.

I totally understand, and empathise, with feeling of "wanting to be wanted" during sex. Of wanting to feel attractive, and so on.
But withholding sex (even from yourself) just makes your marriage less enjoyable for both of you.
It's not having any positive effect, now is it?


[wow.. this turned out long. Hope you find something of use to you in it]