Piecing to Pieces....A New Arrival

[Aud31]

Hey brother,

I tend to get bitter when I lose all control of my time too.

Sorry about the crappy work environment. I hope you find something better soon! Have you gone down to register for those courses? Set a deadline, man! And, say it with me, "N-O!" You can do it. I know it's tough--you're a pleaser, just like me, but we tend to be not so pleasing when we're feeling buried.

Phew, I'm relieved that my suggestion wasn't too irritating.

I believe I promised to return with the most ridiculous thing I could be thankful for...hmmm, how about this? I'm thankful that D1 only smeared HALF the tube of rosy-pink lip balm over her clothes, face, hair and car seat on our 60 mile round-trip drive to visit one store at the mall yesterday!

[Aud31]

Oh, and ((hugs)) to you too.

[cliffy]

Whapu, just wanted to stop back in an see how you were doing. Lots going on for sure.
The child in the bed thing makes me nuts as well, except when W decides to not come home or sleeps on the couch. Although since we got the really cool "lightning mcqueen pillow" it was alot easier to keep him in bed. Repetition is the mother of learning on that one I suppose.
I started thinking like you on the sobriety issue, I got to the point of why and started drinking again. Not near as much, more social, but then after a really bad day with W I got to the point of blacking out and decided to give it another try. This time without the NA beer substitute. I certainly like myself much better when I am not using booze to drowned my sorrows.
Good luck brother, keep the faith, positives will get you to where you want to be. Ditto on the grateful list thing, it is easy to forget the good during all this crap.

[TreadingWater]

Whapu-

I've been following your thread for a while, and keep seeing similarities between you and my H. H is also generally unhappy, especially with career, but has decided that he wants to stay in our marriage. But, like you, I don't think he'd actually say we have a "happy" marriage. There is on big difference, in that H left me for 6 months (came back 6/2007), so he's the WAS, not the LBS.

Anyway, I'm writing because I think I might understand some of what your wife is feeling right now... She's recommitted to the marriage and wants to make it work, and it to be HAPPY. She's frustrated that you're not happy, and doesn't know what to do to help with that. Maybe there's nothing she can do - which is also frustrating. Maybe there's something she can do, and she just doesn't know. If she has/does do anything that helps, I think the best thing you can do is be sure to acknowledge it. Give her some positive feedback, so she feels like there's hope and progress. Even if it's a really little thing. If you can think of something she could do, consider asking for it in DB kind of way.

Hang in there.
- Treading

[whapu]

I am walking into the thread for a moment just to scatter a few thoughts and see if any stick..I want to thank all that peered through...and newcomers to boot!

Aud- As far as a deadline for courses that has been set for me (thank god)....12-21-07 is the start point for enrolling and last for one week. I have compiled all my data ready for the "mouse click" this time.

And, say it with me, "N-O!" You can do it. I know it's tough--you're a pleaser, just like me, but we tend to be not so pleasing when we're feeling buried.

Too true...I am going to use less letters from now on and mutter the NO word more often...because the more I try to please the less PLEASING goes on. Really your words Aud keep this little misguided raft through M afloat.....

Cliffy,
I cant believe you made a appearance!!! I have kept a lodged eye on your sitch as well. No words of wisdom flow from this here mouth so I havent posted anything. I didnt realize you were in the AA realm. I appreciate your words because "uniting" is easier than going at it alone.

Tread,
welcome to my dank thread and appreciate your perspective.

Anyway, I'm writing because I think I might understand some of what your wife is feeling right now... She's recommitted to the marriage and wants to make it work, and it to be HAPPY. She's frustrated that you're not happy, and doesn't know what to do to help with that. Maybe there's nothing she can do - which is also frustrating. Maybe there's something she can do, and she just doesn't know. If she has/does do anything that helps, I think the best thing you can do is be sure to acknowledge it. Give her some positive feedback, so she feels like there's hope and progress. Even if it's a really little thing. If you can think of something she could do, consider asking for it in DB kind of way.

I try to keep in mind that everyone needs to be noticed and acknowledged. Not trinkets, cards, etc etc but most of the time heart felt words of praise and touches of reassurances are enough. Daily stresses on everyone make this more difficult than it should be but you are absolutely right!


So with that..I came to an epiphany...I have been so swallowed up by the SERIOUSNESS of life that I have failed to see the flow of life. I have worried myself into a corner over analyzing each word I was to say to such an extent. Every action I was going to do was with the utter importance that it might be my last. This clouds my mind and with that only doom can occur. Nothing I do is going to "make or break" me Really....Life is rhythm as far as I'm concerned....I will no longer take myself seriously...I remember the days of long ago when I practiced this and I was much more happy....I let life happen...
I know none of this really is earth shattering...but it helps squelch some of the "marital campfires" that have been strewn about,,..probably more later on what is going on in my sitch,...just wanted to acknowledge those that stop in and HEY CAT...where is your new thread so I can LOITER in it?...peace

[cat03]

Hey toots! nice to see ya

I'm slowly getting up from my rock bottom stage, was going to start a new thread, a positive one but I need to follow my own advice so I haven't stared one. LoginName read me like a book on frank_d's thread, I turned into the needy moster for a 1/4 hr last night and put both feet on my mouth, you can loiter there

So i'm just trying to lay peacefully in a quiet corner, learning to take it one day at a time... not much fight in me for the time being.

[whapu]

Well...thought I would do some journaling and release some excess emotional feces from probably the only thing that spouts out correctly

For a couple of months I have been embroiled in my own self contained, constructed drama. I have been questioning the need for sobriety, I dont feel healthier, sharper or more at ease. I have questioned my direction in the workplace (which came to a head after my fortieth birthday). I have questioned every thread of my existence and have only confronted more questions.

I am now 100 % positive I am at the same exact spot my M was in last year just before the bomb hit. I had thought I made improvements but none of them stuck. I am taking entire responsibility for my M if it finally emits it's last breath.

My W birthday weekend happened and it was an utter disaster. I had been coming down with some sort of flu-cold that my W had had and one of the kids. This always brings turmoil in my home when I am sick because of two factors...One- It is always doubted that I am TRULY sick ... TWO- never as sick as my W...Let me just say when I am sick...I just like to sleep...I dont need meds, I dont need people hovering over me...just leave me alone. I also am not the person that has to be the SICKEST person in the house, but if I am not feeling up to keeping up with some things then that is all I ask...one day is all it takes. W felt this a slight. With her new job she has been having to work overtime and has been getting home late from work each night. I feel terrible but I have been feeling a lot of animosity for this. I am left doing all the shuffling of kids, domestic chores and it seems taht all her attention is directed at her new job.
Our washing machine died and I was unable to fix it so I bought a new one. It was supposed to be delivered fri...unfortunately I was 10 minutes later getting home (had to stay late as well because several people didnt show up at my job) so I missed the delivery. It wont be delivered until today. Mind you tehre are literal mounds of laundry that need to be done (our kids treat clothes like costume changes...they go through at least 2 ensembles a day)
That was the last straw when my W called and said that she again would be 2 hours late. Meanwhile I had been trying to coordinate a birthday dinner with her family and some of her friends to show up and was coming up NIL. No ones schedules cooperated so I felt like a complete schmuck. I bought her a nice watch, her favorite cheesecake from the "Cheesecake Factory" and still nothing was happening on the dinner. I was dizzy, vomiting but still trying to keep the house together to no avail.
I was very angry at my W over the phone and told her that I think it is very unfair for everyone else to pay for someone who wasnt capable to do the job they were hired for. (the reason she worked late was because her partner didnt know how to do a lot of what was asked)...Understandably, she didnt react well at all. She tore into me about how I was envious of her career advancement, wanted her to fail and that she was doing this for the family's sake...so we could have more money...
I told her that we need to have a new refrigerator, just paid for a new washing machine but all that she mentions she wants to spend her money on is BOTOX treatments and now the latest her LIP INJECTIONS. I stated that "I" and the family were VERY comfortable with her appearance and that isnt for the families sake but for HER sake.
From there on, the weekend tail spinned into an utter hell. My AA meeting again brought turmoil and was said that I am needed at home more and that I dont get anything out of anyway. So I went to the meeting and said that I would no longer setup and most likely not attend it anymore. They werent happy about it (more because they didnt want to set it up themselves). I went home to the usual household tubulence and told my W that she didnt have to worry about my Sat meeting anymore, I gave my notice...she just said "yea, right. You always say that." and then walked away mumbling under her breath how "No one cares about her birthday".
This post has become even too long for me..in a nutshell, she had told me her parents werent coming to the dinner I planned. So when we got there I told the hostess that we could be seated right away since no one else is showing up. 15 minutes later her parents show up and we had already ordered our food.

I paid for dinner and we went home for cheesecake. I was still not feeling well and there is more to the weekend than I can relay...muddled and murky....I really believe my M is near completion...not that I really want that but I feel I dont want to be around anyone at all. I stayed up until about 2:30am last night because the little was cranky and I thought my W needed some sleep for her true "birthday" today. I guess my half a$$ed present as well. I had to get up at 4:30am for work so a little punch drunk...My children are pi$$ed at me, My W is and I right now wouldnt mind a little time on a isolated island..we are still sleeping in the same bed but "cold" it is....so a long post that doesnt really need to be responded to...just trying to see if my self-esteem has any breath...peace

[cat03]

oh whapu, my heart sinks as I read your post, I'm so sorry you had such an awful time)))))))
I agree with MrH, your W is so self-absorbed right now and acting her shoe size, unbelievable. I so wish you wouldn't have to quiet your meetings, perhaps you could replace them w/a good C now and then to keep your sanity amid all the chaos?

I see you doing so much work and I do give you credit for trying to make your W's bday a good one, even if she doesn't deserve it, for doing so much at home, not every man has to deal with so much housework WHILE holding a job, you are amazing in my book.

Hope you find some time alone to decompress and detoxify emotionally from the crap your W is tossing at you, it's hard to stay mentally healthy around someone who deflects toxins around you, hard not to get dragged down.. but I pray you are able to remember that her mind is distorted, that you are a great father and a good husband, if only she'd stop looking at her unhappiness in the mirrow she'd see this.

[Fender]

What a h&llish weekend you had there buddy. I think HS is right, you need a vacation and all of you need some therapy. Don't discount it, it may just be what the doctor ordered.

I watched a movie the other night, You Kill Me, or something like that. Anyway the main character started AA for his drinking problem. As I sat watching the movie I asked my GF, she's Psychologist, what she thought of the program. She said and I quote, "It's best thing ever for any addiction."

I said all of that to say this. You know AA is where you need to be and that it has worked for you in the past. What needs to happen now is your wife and family need to be told by someone other than you, a therapist maybe, that it is CRUCIAL that you attend these meetings. That they support your Sobriety.

You're in a bad place and I wish I could help you out brother but you have to remember the serenity prayer. Please don't give up on your M or your sobriety. They both are worth saving.

[Aud31]

HS and Fender speak wisely. I can't add anything more than my support.

Whapu--any of us would likely have imploded already under all the stress you're bombarded with.

Love, hugs, and prayers.