Just an update. CW called a total of 7 times. Left a message on #5.
I waited 90 minutes before calling back. She wanted to know what type of counseling I intended to attend as a couple etc. I tolf her what I had thought. She went on to say that she was willing to go, but with no guarantees etc. I mostly listened as she cried again talking to me. She said that she didn't like it tthat people were "on her" about not trying to save her M.
I told her I had to go, because I could feel the expectations rising and knew where I was headed.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
She is definitely having mixed emotions. You are handling this well. It was wise to get off the phone when you felt expectations rising, you must remain cool. I wasn't always that smart.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My $.02 - Let her lead from here. Your role is really to listen, empathize/validate and learn at this point. Learn what she is really feeling, why she chose this path, etc. Until she works through was got her here, there is nothing to work on in the M!
Good luck in MC!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Well the old expectations got me again. I thought that with CW talking counseling, that maybe she would be having a change of heart about the weekend away thing.
This AM she called and the talk turned to the weekend. She said that she is still going, and that it is a group thing and I don't understand. I asked her to explain and she said she couldn't right now (she was at work).
I told her it is hard for me to think that she is really considering working on our M when she is going away with the FFOM. (No I don't call him that to her.) She said that she really needs to get away, that she feels suffocated at her apartment. She also said that she feels like she is going to lose it.
I point blank asked her if she was considering seeing a C so she could tell people she tried or if she was doing it because she thought that we had a chance. She replied, "A little of both."
She also told me that after this weekend she is not going to have contact with the FFOM until after the D. Which sounded odd at first being as we are considering seeing a C, then she corrected it to saying that she needs to make the decisions on her own without any other influences.
This very well could be BS. I am too confused right now. She was crying again when she talked about her apartment. I ended the call because I felt sick.
One thing I told her was that I had no right to demand anything of her, but I wish she wouldn't go. Probably a mistake but who knows.
Advice?
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Towards what I thought was the end of my DBing and onto the D path my H was pressured by his best friend to try counseling so finally H did come to me and say we could go. But it never went any further - since I did not initiate finding the counselor, setting up and appt. I said if you really want to go for us then you do the leg work otherwise he'd only be doing it for his best friend - to show "see we tried C and even that did not work"...
Not sure what to tell you - she is definately confused otherwise she would just be done and have already just filed. Not what you really want to hear but she probably needs time with OM to figure out that he is not going to make her any happier...her happiness can only come from herself and she cannot figure this out at this point...
Not much help here - sorry...
Does she know if you D that there will no longer be the friendship you two have now???? I don't think she does...
These WAS just want everything - it is such a selfish mode they are in....
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
MC, I don't know if you have read anything on Marriagebuilders.com, but I found myself agreeing with a lot on this article, well the part about how it all starts. Not to the reconciliation part, but it does explain it.
Has your W ever had any C? I just wonder if she has any idea what it will involve?
She seems very confused. I wouldn't help her here - personally I would keep doing what you are doing and let her work it out.
Quote:
Which sounded odd at first being as we are considering seeing a C, then she corrected it to saying that she needs to make the decisions on her own without any other influences.
If she truly means that I would see that as a positive thing. Makes me think she is seeing that she needs to use her head a bit more.
mc - I'm not sure how good I am at giving advice at the moment. My H is with me and great but I am in a bit of a funk. Don't know why - I think I need more than a bottle of peroxide tho!! More like a head transplant. I worked my sitch out in the tough love way and my H has been constant since recommitting. It was short and intense - but I am on the boards, so obviously I am not sorted. And the more I joke generally means the more I am crying as I type.
Try to keep your distance so that if she goes on the weekend she doesn't see your pain. Assume she will go and then if she doesn't then that's a bonus rather than hoping she won't and being hurt when she does.
She is obviously confused - and even tho' she is crying she may be getting off on the drama. If it is making you feel sick put some distance in. Keep not answering the phone unless there is something you need to discuss. Don't be too available. Look after yourself.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
